So it's Christmas Eve again. I can't even believe it. The older I get the closer Christmas' seem to get from year to year.

It's mom and doug's anniversary tonight, they played the song that we recorded for them last year... that was funny because I had forgotten about it.

I love this time of year. Christmas eve service always feels special, and it's so good to see old friends who come around, and make their way back from school or different states. It's nice to sing Christmas music, and smell the Christmas tree. We always have cinnamon rolls in the morning, and SJ is known to wake up super early then wake me up to turn on the 24 hour "A Christmas Story" marathon until everyone else wakes up. (He also sneaks around the tree trying to figure out what Santa brought) hehe... then we send andrew upstairs to jump on mom and doug when we can't wait anymore... oh tradition :-)

I don't know about you all but I'm especially feeling thankful tonight for Jesus.

Have a Merry Christmas everyone!!!

PS: NORAD says santa is in Maine... I better get to sleep ;-)

Joy

What does that mean?

I know better than to think it's happiness. I've had good teachers in my life who have told me otherwise. My emotions tell me otherwise. People, money, contentment, jobs, status... they tell me otherwise, because all these things come and go. Yet why does it seem so easy to compare joy to happiness? It's easy to think of joy as being the "feeling" you get when things are going well, when you feel comfortable and content. Those times when smiling is easy and genuine. But I think we all know that life isn't always like that. Yes there are good times, but we've all had our ups and downs. So Joy has to be something bigger and greater.

Mr. Griffin said something yesterday that really hit me. And for the life of me, even when I asked him after the service to re quote what he had said, I STILL can't remember the exact words. :-) It was something like, "You can't have joy when you are full of yourself. Joy is letting go of you and letting the knowledge of God and what He has done take your place." He said it so much more eloquently than I ever could, but my attempt at his words is what I learned.

Erica Mariany in a Poem she wrote ended with, "You- my infinite joy."

Or in a Rascall Flatts song, "I hear you find strength in your moments of weakness."

Where does this Joy come from? How do you aquire it? How is it possible to be joyful in the good AND in the bad? In the times when you feel strong, but especially in the times when you feel weak? When there's death, hurt, pain, and sorrow?

There must be an answer.

"Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. 31Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord." ~1 Corinthians 1:26-31

I think that joy comes from knowing what we were, and then knowing what we are now, or discovering and knowing what you could be and becoming that.

What we were. We were sinners without hope. Living lives focused on ourselves and our own needs. Seeking after things of this world that are meaningless.

What we are now. We are chosen. We are loved. We are saved. He took us who meant nothing to the world and gave us the gift of knowing Him. He took human beings who many times feel worthless and use them to share the most amazing gift ever given to this world.


God gave us the gift of Jesus. And 1 Corinthians says that Jesus is our righteousness, holiness, and redemption. In the ASV or better know as the "Amanda Standard Version" I think if there were to be another word at the end of this list it would have to be Joy.

It is because of Jesus who died on a cross, sent from God, to become our righteousness, holiness, and redemption, that should give us joy. That God loved us enough to choose me... to choose you, who used to be nothing, and to love us and change us. To send Jesus to be our righteousness because nothing we could ever do could make us stand righteous before God, except for Jesus' willingness to die on the cross... to be our righteousness. Your righteousness and my righteousness. Jesus became our holiness because we used to be filthy in the eyes of God but because of Jesus we are wiped clean and holy. And Jesus to be our redemption because we are redeemed in His sacrifice.

So I think that knowing and learning and filling ourselves with these truths, and pushing aside our own truths, needs, desires, and wants, that nothing could shake us. It's when we stop thinking of joy as happiness that we can be truly joyful. When we are not focused on ourselves but on God is when we can find joy in the hard times that life will throw our way.

So if you don't know my Jesus I hope you will think about Him. I'm still learning and growing, and figuring out how to make all I said a reality in my own life. It's hard. But the other great Truth is God is always there waiting when we are ready to let Him be our Joy. And even when we turn away He doesn't leave. But I can guarantee you, from someone who has looked high and low trying to find her joy in all the wrong things, it's been the times when I've been on track with God that I have been truly joyful. So I pray that as I work hard to find joy in my God all the days of my life, that you who are reading this would try as well.

Be Blessed and thanks for reading

Everything you would wish to see during one of your trips to Africa and so much more. Make sure you watch the whole thing though... the turn out is pretty funny. It was the perfect girl ending for me though =)

I had a really great day today =)

Music: Worship team this morning was a good lesson because I think God was using it as a way to trust in Him. First service I broke my pick because I was nervously playing with it during a break. Fortunetley there was one behind me. Second service was the kicker because right before one of the songs the WWJD bracelet holding my guitar strap on broke in the corner and the guitar started falling, lol. So while I'm trying to fix it I'm bumping into everything and Jimmy said he heard me say "oh stink" from where he was sitting =) I think I handled it pretty well even though I was panicking inside, but the whole time I was giving myself a pep talk. No one is perfect, things like this happen to everyone and all you can do is make the best of it. So I did my best to not feel more self concious than I was already feeling, and just shake it off and do my best. I really enjoyed this morning though, it makes me want to get so much better at the guitar. I selfishly can't wait till Jesse's studio is done, because I will be one of his first students to sign up! :-) That way when I write songs I can use more than the 10 chords or so that I only use in my songs. I think more oppurtunities like this might help me get my confidence up a bit.

Christmas: Today my family, the Rentz', Jesse H, Kyle, Rose and her two granddaughters went to the little museam in our town. It's really cute and talks a lot about the towns history. I also had the priveldge of standing on stage for the pre-tree lighting events with the first grade class that I work with because they got chosen to sing, so I got to stand up there with my little guy. Then went to the Burns' open house where I saw my little boyfriend Peter. =) hehe, he's four and so stinkin adorable. I hope to get that pic up tomorrow.

"Oh God, I turn to you. I'm sorry for being satisfied in everything but You. I've turned away wanting to be loved, but all along you were the greatest love of all"

I had some good conversations tonight. One with a really great woman who is very encouraging, the other with one of my guy friends who has been making me laugh a lot lately.

Loving others is good, loving others is hard sometimes, but loving others is always worth it.

goodnight.

Wow. What a day. I accomplished a lot though. Picked Andrew up from basketball and was traumatized when one of andrew's friends called me hot.... ew, did three loads of laundry, one of the loads were the sheets on my bed, so I'm looking forward to sleeping in my bed tonight. There's just something nice about sleeping in a freshly made bed. I worked out, helped get the lights on our tree up (decorations are being saved for another day,) baked cookies, cleaned my room and somehow managed to watch the movie Step Up while I was doing everything... it's been a good, productive day. =)


It's been so nice having snow and having everything look so beautiful, although I only like it when the roads are plowed well. The Kiaguar has only slid once so far, and I'm so glad because I hate that feeling. But I love the lights on houses that make the snow look extra pretty, and Christmas Music. I'm on worship team this weekend so that should be a good experience for me as well.

Ran into manda shaw today when I was walking out from work, so that was so fun. Going to the tree lighting Sunday where my little guy will have a part in it because his class was chosen to sing, so that is exciting. =)

Well I should be practicing geetar, so I will for a few minutes... then bed cuz I am tiiiiirrreeed!

Today I'm thankful that God helped give me grace in dealing with the situations that came up, and that He helped me keep the right focus and not worry about the things I can't change. So thank you God for helping me get through another day of my crazy life, and to bless me enough to not just help me get through it but to give me moments of joy. Thank you for teaching me that I can always have joy when I think on You.

So like Jackie, I've been thinking about what my challenge could be for this month. And although I might not blog everyday, any time I do I want to make sure I take time to think about what I'm thankful for and share it with you. I also hope that maybe I can post once a week about what I am learning in God's word so that I could do more than just read, but to know and understand what I am reading.

"We stand and lift up our hands
for the joy of the Lord is our strength
We bow down and worship Him now
How great! How awesome is He!"

So I just have to praise God for how great He was to me today.

I'm thankful that He gives me hope when I feel it running thin.

That He gives me joy and peace when I can't seem to find any within.

That He gives me strength and courage when I feel like I have none,

yet when I'm brave and trust in Him, He ALWAYS gives me some.

hehe... this is why I'm not a poet :-)

So praise God for being faithful. Praise God for keeping His promises. Praise God that He listens to my feeble prayers, holds me when I cry, and smiles with me when I think the littlest things are funny.

"Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
Praise Him all creatures here below.
Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts.
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.
Amen"

So know what's really fun? Being able to look at all your thoughts the past couple of years at the touch of a mouse. The first Blog Post I ever wrote was on November 13, 2005. I have been blogging for 2 years and 18 days! Wow! That's pretty crazy. It was fun to look back this morning. To see all my emotions while I was at school, and to see how much I have grown. It's just so neat.

I think I'm addicted to the blogging world so this might become an almost daily thing. And look at the beautiful little picture to the left. I think there is so much symbolism in that little icon. You have to sieze the moment because you never know when it's going to be swept away! Pretty neat, huh? :-) Pastor Darin you have created a monster... hehe

So it's the first day of December. I'm entering one of my favorite seasons. Everything is just so beautiful this time of year. The lights, the snow, the house decorations.... I'm just excited about it all. It will be good to have something to look forward to and focus on.

Well, I need to go get myself ready for whatever the day may hold. It's so much more meaningful when you look at every day as an adventure, not setting any expectations, just preparing yourself for whatever might be in store. So that's what I am going to try on this Saturday.

So it's currently 9:18 p.m. on November 30th and the Nablopomono site is not working, I'm kind of sad because I really wanted to keep all my posts together, but in case it doesn't show up, I don't wanna miss my last post!

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So it's amazing how much can change in thirty days. When I first made the spontaneous decision to do this back on November 1st, I was probably at one of the lowest points in my life, wanting to just die, and be done with life. Since then God has really been working on my heart. A lot has changed. I'm learning how to let go of things, and being more careful with the things that make my emotions go haywire. Life sure isn't easy, but I am more than blessed. I have so many great friends, and have been able to do so many things.

I have truly learned this month how quickly things can change. When you write everyday and look back on those daily postings, you see how fragile life is. How things never turn out like you think, and the things that take you by surprise. You never know what is just around the bend, which gives me hope that my dreams aren't over. I'm still breathing, and this is a new chapter in my life. Looking back on that night 30 days ago when I poured my heart out into writing about how broken I was, I know I was right in my prediction. I had said that I think sometimes God lets us get to a very low point so that He can be the one to put us back together again so that way we come to a point where we have to rely completley on Him. I've been seeing that in my life.

I think Blogging will continue to be a normal part of my life now. Writing my thoughts and getting comments by some people that have impacted my life and who I have heart to heart talks with pretty regularly has been so great. They have seen the in person, bawling my eyes out side of me or the happy side of me, and now they've seen my writing part of me which seems to be a little easier to pour out my heart.

I'm really proud of all of us. Jimmy and Erica even though you guys didn't finish I'm so proud of you guys and it was so good to read what you had to say. I hope you guys might continue even if just occasionally because I loved both of your writing styles and hearing more detail about what God was doing in your lives.

Pastor Darin and Jackie, It's been fun, but I'm not gonna lie... it will be nice to blog at my leisure and not freak out when I'm being a roadie and realizing that I forgot to blog =)

So Pastor Darin, Jackie, Erica, and Jimmy- You four have been so good at giving me Truth and helping me focus on the right things in a time I have needed it most. Thank you for letting God use you to bring me closer to Him again. I love you guys!

PS: My mom is watching the news and there was some crazy lady on the news talking about how santa claus should thin down so he doesn't have an impact on child obesity. That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard today. Okay... just had to say that.

Well friends only one more day of my Nablopomono Challenge... I still don't even know how to say it after looking at it everyday! gosh!

Well this blog looked a little lonely so I decided to stop in and say hi. So... hi! =)

I will be posting here for awhile:

http://nablopomo.ning.com/profile/hisstar333

Thanks for reading about my life that is ever messing up, ever changing, and thanks to God's grace, ever growing.

Here's my attempt to start a conversation :-)

1) So what is your take on dreams? Not the kind you have at night while your sleeping, but the having desires and hopes kind. We always tell kids to dream big, but does that result in expectations in life, or following after your own plan? Just curious...

2) A part in Blue Like Jazz stuck out to me (I read chapters 7 and 8 yesterday and nine today) I'm trying to slow my reading pace down so I will get more out of it. I tend to blow through books without retaining what I read and that is really frusterating for me. In chapter 8 this conversation leads to a pretty intense thought:

"Here is a guy using Islamic verbiage to make himself look spiritual, and yet he really hasn't researched or subscribed to the faith as it presents itself. He's just using it. Raping it for his own pleasure."
"Why are you convicted about that?" I asked him. "I've never heard you talk about Islamic ideas that way."
"I know," Tony said. "But I do the same thing with Jesus." (Miller, Donald. "Blue Like Jazz." pg 93)

This really just hit me. I think that strong language does that, but it really made me think about how often I just use my faith for my own pleasure, for my own happiness, my own desire for some form of contentment.

How do YOU feel about this quote?

3) What's been a situation in your life where you have struggled with trusting God, and what have you learned through it?

This post is for Jackie :-) Jackie knows that I think far too much, which is a correct statement. But I think my real problem is I don't think about the right kind of things. I'm very inward, it's like pulling teeth to get me to speak up about how I feel (sorry guys :-) So I'm gonna make some changes. (And no, that doesn't mean next time you ask me a question I'm going to start pouring my heart out no problem, but nice try) :-)

I've also decided that I really want to see the beach in winter, I bet it's beautiful.

So maybe it's because I stayed up ridiculously late last night (time out... can I just say I have the best church ever! I have so many amazing friends. Who else could I possibly laugh with at the farting pastor videos at 1:30 in the morning other than pastor darin, shari, jimmy, and erica :-) My Church is so unique and we are so close. Yeah, we may be weird, but I have never felt so at home. It's so good to see a body that genuinly loves and cares for one another and that blows my mind. On any Sunday I always have at least 5 people come up to me and ask me how life is going. I am so blessed to be a part of the church I am at, and I can't imagine how different I would be right now if God didn't put Christ's Church into my life for the past five years. okay, time in.) or maybe it's because the hardness on my heart is slowly starting to chip away. All I know is that I'm beginning to desire change and growth again, something I have been avoiding. I really have been feeling stupid lately, not reading as much as I normally would, not getting in the word enough or deep conversations, and avoiding God, because as you can tell from previous posts I haven't been really liking life so much lately. But God does make things new, and He has made me new. And even though I don't always believe it, He can make me into the person He wants me to be. So here's to new beginnings... a new template for my blog, (yes it's very white) but that's because with my Jesus I am made as white as snow! Praise the Lord for that because there have been times where I thought that my sin was so black it could never be scrubbed away.

It's funny how much better I can feel in the morning... kind of... still feeling a lot of things from my last post, but these are going to help...

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~Phillipians 4:7 It's the peace that only God can give me that will help me guard my heart.

"Hold on to the pattern of wholesome teaching you learned from me—a pattern shaped by the faith and love that you have in Christ Jesus. Through the power of the Holy Spirit who lives within us, carefully guard the precious truth that has been entrusted to you." 2 Tim 1:13-14 The word wholesome here makes me smile. I really do want to live a life that is pure in speech and in faith and in purity. And loving like Jesus loves, I used to think I was pretty good at that, now I just have to not care that chances are you can get hurt when you do love so deeply. All in all I know it's worth it though, and I do want to model that love with my life.

time f0r work!

I can't sleep, I hate when that happens. And I know I will be so tired at work tomorrow, but I just am too lost in my own thinking to sleep. I was talking with someone I hadn't talked with for a very long time tonight and he asked me how life was. Oh that question, I'm not too fond of it. Life is just so... different than I thought it was going to be. I guess that's my problem. I think too much, and I fall for all the lies. As a little girl it's all about fairy tales, but real life isn't a fairy tale. It's hard to get over that when that's what you have been told all along. I don't like the fact that I am so discontent with life right now, and I think that's because maybe I don't know or live out what life is supposed to be in the first place.

I know I'm hard on myself at times, but it's only because I see the person I would like to be. I'm not deep enough, I don't understand why I believe things enough, I don't trust God enough... I'm really at a stage of my life where I'm discovering what life is and what the point is. I can't even tell you how much I have failed in this area, because I would not be so miserable lately if I hadn't gotten so off track. I have a new life now with work and doing different things, I just don't know how I feel about it yet. I know it's too soon to tell. But pretty much I'm just feeling so... wishing I was someone else. I'm at the point where I'm so sick of hearing all the nice things people say about me, because they really don't have a clue who I am. Funny... I get mad when people don't turn out to be who I thought they were, and I am just as guilty of that myself. Or always being told that everything will be okay when it never seems to feel okay again. I have honestly never longed to be comforted or loved by someone and to just be held so much in my life. Yet right now I feel like that is the WORST thing I could ever feel. It's such a distraction to me, because I can't focus on God when I desire attention from a human who could never meet my needs like God can. I must admit, lis that I'm a tad bit jealous only because I see the comfort and safety and openness in your marriage and I want that. Maybe I long for it so bad, because I have never even had a relationship that even comes close. Out of all of my friends, (and I love all of you dearly and it's not your fault it's mine for not being open) but I have only one friendship that is at such a deep level where I feel safe and have literally shared everything with, no rock unturned. I guess I have a problem with being myself, but the other part is a security issue. A lot of times I don't feel safe enough to open up, or I feel like I have to put on a performance with whoever I'm talking to, to be the person they want me to be. It's tiring to try to be someone who I'm not yet. But even more frusterating to not be the person I want to be. I hate worrying, I hate being discouraged, and I hate the fact that more that half of my blog postings are probably me griping about life. I truly need to get over myself. I really need to let God quench this desire in me to be loved, because I desire that more than anything. But as I mentioned to pastor darin today i don't think that anyone could ever love me enough to look past my screwed up family, my mess of a life that i only make messier, and to love me for me. Not the me where I put on the show to try and be this spiritual young woman that everyone admires where inside she feels more empty than you could ever imagine. But someone who encourages me to fill that emptiness with God, and to be intimate enough with me to show me the messy person that they are. Because deep down we are all messes, none of us are perfect. ( I need to read that book again). But that's what happens when you give your heart away. You end up empty. You run away from the only One that can make you feel true joy for something less. Yet why is it that the something less seems to always be what I fall for?

I had the best conversation while helping my friends move in on saturday. I love those conversations with people that you don't know well, but you get deep fast and learn so much. It was on a trip to a dump nonetheless where we talked about how relationships with your dad affect your view of God. Pastor Darin's sermon that sunday left a mark on a lot of us. But not just with fathers but with people in general. To be quite honest, pretty much all of the most important people in my life have completley screwed up. They have broken my trust, hurt me, and have caused quite a lot of hurt in my life. That's the cause, well with every cause there's an effect right? I suck at trusting people. Even worse when I do trust people they only end up breaking my trust to encourage the cycle even more. Well no wonder that in my relationship with God and others I feel like a scared little puppy waiting expectantly for the next hurt to come. And maybe deep down I feel like God likes to let me hurt, or maybe I know He is trying to get my attention. But maybe I'm mad at Him because He won't give me the one thing I want more than anything. One day, or maybe never I will understand what the heck He is doing in the big picture. But I'm so thankful in the small picture that He let me have a pretty amazing day today. Youth Ministry kicks (insert word that I can't say here) haha :-) I must say it's one of the only times where I feel completley in my element and actually feel almost like I'm good at something.

well it's almost one, so I need to wrap up my ranting :-)

I am so glad that my God searches me and that He knows me. That He is with me now and that I will hopefully be able to fall asleep. Meditating on Phil 4:8, I'm really glad that God has given me a desire for purity, and sure I fail, but I try so hard to guard my mind and to not put junk into it. But I really need to work on purity in my heart, because I give far too easily and sometimes when you give something away you just can't get it back. I should be saving everything for my God.

officially a working woman as of Monday when I start :-) thank you all for the prayers!

Just go out and rent it. I picked it up out of a Red Box (thanks erica for introducing me to that concept :-) it's a clean movie, with a great story. S.J. even liked it! So for a movie that both my mom and S.J. loved is like a miracle. It was so good! It's definitley a tear jerker, but it's about change in the hardest of lives and about changing the world. So if you haven't seen it go rent it.

Here's a pic of the BBC girls at lyssy's wedding, it was a beautiful and special day. I was glad to share the day with alyssa and jared.

So I'm finally home after a crazy summer.

Africa was amazing. And I just got back from being a counselor at BBC for their Teen Leadership Conference. It's so cool to see how God can use someone like me even though I feel so inadequate most of the time.
Some lessons I learned:
~Putting yourself out there and doing crazy things isn't such a bad thing afterall
~My joy needs to come from the gospel and I need to remind myself of what Jesus did for me every morning, because it sure gives you a whole new and much more joyful perspective for the day
~I made a commitment to pray for six unsaved people that I am really burdened for everyday
~ That I really hope I have some amazing "poor stories" to tell someday(if you wanna hear a great message click on my TLC 2007 link in my "frequented websites" section and then click on audio and video and listen to Dwight Peterson's Wednesday Night Message)
~ I don't know the bible even close to as much as I should. I realize more and more how I struggle with both retaining/memorizing information so I want to work harder at knowing my bible better.

So as you can see God was really doing a lot. And it was so cool to see what he did within the hearts of the 21 girls I had over the two weeks! God is so good :-) And I praise Him for wanting to use me even though I feel so undeserving.

Prayer Requests:
~I have a job interview thursday at 11:15 for a job that I really want so pray that it all works out. I would be a full time 1-1 and get to work with special needs kids. I would be out a lot earlier than most jobs everyday, have all the school breaks off so I could help with andrew, and have summers off :-) hehe...
~My best friend is soon to be Mrs. Jared Gordon and I am so excited. Pray that it doesn't rain Saturday as the ceremony is outside. I love Alyssa so much, she is my best friend and I'm so glad God put her in my life two years ago.

So I'm looking forward to the rest of the summer. I'm not going to lie I am stinking nervous to see what God has in store for me next, but I'm getting more excited about it. Knowing I will hopefully have a job lined up soon, that I have tons of friends who are dying to spend some time with me and are glad that I'm not going back to school, girls nights with alyssa at their new apartment. So I guess that even though I'm nervous about this next chapter in my life, I know God has it all planned out. He knows where I will be working, and what my crazy schedule will look like. I'm so glad He has it all planned, because my life would be in absolute shambles right now if I did it myself. One of my good friends really made me look at my life differently last night, he asked me where I put my happiness and my attention, and I think on that note that my life is going to be looking a whole lot different. I really pray it will anyways

love you all, thanks for sharing this journey with me. On that note I will end with some lyrics from a fun song we did at TLC.

"OH!!! Happy Day, Happy Day! You washed my sin away. and OH! Happy Day, Happy Day, i'll never be the same. Forever I am changed."

~Tim Hughes

Here are the lyrics to a song I wrote while in Namibia. Hopefully sometime I'll get the song up here and maybe even some of my other songs I've written. This song contains pieces of my journey this year and a few stories containing people that have made their way into my heart.

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Dear Namibia,




I miss you and all that you include. The people, the children who smile and melt my heart, and the dust that ends up getting in your blood along with everything you own. I miss the familiar smells and it always takes me a week to have the heart to wash that last item of clothing that still has the faint remains of campfire. I miss the sunrises and the sunsets, and the starry night sky. I miss being around a group of people that you come to know and love so quickly and who are always so close by. I miss having African feet, staying up late and waking up early.

You never fail to teach me more about myself and who I would like to become. Thank you for always pushing me closer to my God and Savior. Thank you for your warm sun and mountains that scream God's love for me to the point that I can't escape even if I wanted to. Thank you for changing me and softening my heart so that I could become more like Christ. I hold you in my heart Namibia, and Lord willing I will be back someday.

Until next time,

love, amanda

PS: Keep a good eye on Toivo for me, he is one amazing kid who I miss very much.

Two things to start out... HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATIEEEEEEEE!!!

To start off on a non-serious note, this was my face when pastor darin, amanda, and katie walked in to surprise me for my graduation... hehe, i was only a little excited and very shocked... :-) Keep checking my photobucket, I hope to get my Graduation pics and my cruise pics up soon!

So I haven't been able to get Pastor Darin's sermon out of my head today. I love how He described God as this furious love. A love that keeps taking you back no matter what you do, and that pursues you. I don't get it. I tend to run away from the things I don't understand. I was looking at some of my friends xanga pages and stumbled upon some lyrics that really hit me. I have been processing so much this past week. I've been truly struggling with remembering that my human relationships aren't like God. God doesn't make mistakes, or hurt you, and He's worthy of your trust. That's so hard to swallow because if you're like me you put too much faith into people. And you wonder how a God so big could love me when the people in your life who are supposed to can't and they mess up... alot. So much hurt from my past has resurfaced this past week. I feel like a scared little kid sometimes hiding from the world because I don't want to be noticed. I like to hide and blend in because I don't want people to see who I am. But God doesn't want that. He never grows tired of me and He wants me to break down all of my walls, He wants me to be free of myself, and to hope and to have dreams. I wrote my own version of Psalm 139 because I desire that love, but I'm also afraid of it. I'm afraid to dissapoint, and I know there will be times when I will, and I don't want to be given up on or hurt anymore. But love requires risk and even getting hurt, but it also means never giving up. It requires forgiveness. I need to be a more forgiving person, but as Pastor Darin said "forgiving hurts." Because when you forgive you know in the back of your mind that there is still the risk where you will be hurt again in the same way, yet we still need to forgive anyways. Because real love is a love that always forgives and perseveres, that never gives up. I'm really glad that God is so good at this loving thing, because I am really not even close to as loving as I would like to be. Most of all, love isn't fearing somone so much that you can't be yourself. But you can't be yourself without loving yourself first and knowing your worth in Christ. I have a long road in this area, but I am so so thankful that God NEVER gives up on me, and will never hurt me. I'm glad for that love that pursues me and never let's me go. I am so excited to go back to Namibia in about 15 days. I can't wait to be taken out into the dessert where my God will speak to me tenderly and I will feel all of my doubts pass away and just be loved by my lover who won't let me go. (And for those of you that didn't hear the sermon I'm referring to, check out Hosea 2.)





"In your eyes a moment ago I saw fire and rain

Surely after you smiled at me It all melted to pain

You cannot be true to me Until you're true to yourself

You say you have to leave And put your heart on a shelf

What taught you that you've gotta run? What inspires this fear?

When you start to feel something real, You always disappear You have to disappear

I wanna get inside of you Find what makes you tick

You can see I am getting thin And your walls are too thick

I've given my heart and mind What more can I do?

You cash out any time See I'm getting through

What taught you that you've gotta run? What inspires this fear?

When you feel something real,You always disappear You have to disappear

I know you have dreams Don't hold them inside

Take hold of your heart and open it wide

I know you have fears Just push them aside

You'll never feel love if you never try

I know you have dreams Don't hold them inside

Take hold of your heart and open it wide

I know you have fears Just push them aside

You'll never feel love if you never try

Who told you that you've gotta run?What inspires this fear?

When I show you somethin' real Please don't disappear, don't disappear" ~Stephen Speaks

What I'm thinking about: Colossians 3:23 and why I do everything I do. Also how I wish I didn't get so easily distracted when big things are changing in my life. It's easy for me at times like this to push God away and I feel like I have been doing that. I'm just meditating on the fact that my God loves me and that's all that matters. I thought it would encourage me to write out my own personal Psalm 139 based on the life of Amanda... :-)

He has always known me, He knows my innermost being. He knows when I will finally fall to sleep tonight and the time I will wake up. He knows what I will eat for breakfast and which two year olds are going to get on my nerves the most tomorrow. He knows what makes me smile and He understands me when I'm shy and I don't make sense even to myself. He understands what I feel and what I am going through. He understands my desire to be loved and He wishes I would just let Him love me and that I would love Him back with my whole heart. He wishes I wasn't so easily frightened by life and that I would Trust Him in everything. He holds me when I cry and when I'm scared. He knows that I have a freckle underneath my little toe on my left foot. He knows the days of my life and how many hairs are on my head. He knows I could listen to music forever and that His creation has a way of taking my breath away. He knows that sometimes all I need is a hug, and He always provides just the right person to give me one. He knows my hopes, that I am struggling to dream, and that I feel so tired lately. He knows I am compassionate and that I love hard and that I am sensitive. He loves me even when I'm scared to draw near because my finite mind cannot comprehend a love so great that would still love me even when I can be so distant and selfish. He knows that my favorite inventions are my geetar, a hammock, and ice cream. He loves me even though I am far from perfect. He knows the mistakes I will make, and He is proud when I do right. He loves me forever the same. He is my true father, the dad I have always longed for. I am His princess who makes Him smile- from the day I came out crying, my childhood, through the tough teenage years, and He will continue to be with whatever phases of life come next. He is the greatest love I could ever have. He knows me better than I could ever hope to know myself. He loves me. :-)

Oh my Lord, forgive me for doubting your perfect provision and plan. For not seeking You with the devotion that I should have. Help me to remember that...

One look at your cross I lose sight of me
Your beauty and grace are all I need

It's when I focus on Truth that my attitude is glorifying to You.

There are so many updates in my life, and so many changes. Life is definetley not how I pictured it being when I came home, but I know that God has a purpose for everything. I have been reading a lot which is good. The picture I added is one of my favorites that I took in the Bahammas. Although there are times in life where there are obstacles that try to block or turn us off of His path, His light always shines through, we just need to take the time to look for Him. A little bit of light shining brightly in a dark place is so beautiful. I pray that I could be a bright light to this often dark world.

So it's a hot afternoon and I'm sitting at my desk for the last time. There have been a lot of lasts lately. Alyssa helped me come up with a list of ten things we are going to miss at BBC. Some are funny and some are serious, but I don't think I could come up with a word to describe my past two years. It's just been intense and amazing. So as I try to put this together in the few minutes I have before our graduation rehearsal, I hope you enjoy it :-)

10) The College Deal at Subway. Alyssa and I are seriously going to be at a loss of what to do.

9) Dino & Francesco's & Mannings

8) White Glove ;-)

7) Visits to the mailroom and never getting any mail and being so excited when you actually do :-)

6) Having to fight for the bathroom in the morning :-)

5) SInging "All Your Anxieties" with Dr. Loescher

4) Seeing Doc Harris' smiling face in chapel

3) Chapel

2) My proffessors who always impacted my life. thank you.

1) My amazing friends. I am going to miss being able to walk just down the hall or in the next suite to see you guys. love you!!!

So many questions I have for You
Yet outnumbered Your answers and plans
I could never give what is due
Yet You hold me in Your hands

Chorus:
Jesus, You are the only One
Whose love is never failing
Creator of my life
You're here, and that's not changing

Dazzling Splendor You do not oppress
Far greater the questions You bring
See how the morning stars shine for You
And yet You still somehow see beauty in me

You're here and that's not changing
You're here and that's amazing

Most of the words are influenced from reading Job last semester, and again this semester, and the little phrases that stuck out to me in chapters 37-38. Job and the topic of suffering has been a common theme in chapel this year. There is so much suffering in our world, as the Virginia Tech shooting especially reminds me of today, as well as thinking about Columbine's almost 8 year anniversary. Sin is at the base of it all. The thing that continues to amaze me is that my God who knows how messy I am, who knows every deepest part of my life, still loves me. I cannot comprehend a love so deep that overlooks my weaknesses and instead sees Jesus changing my heart. A God so beautiful that even the morning stars dance for joy. And still... He loves me.

Those are the lyrics to one of the three songs I wrote. The other two are titled, Here at Your Feet and A Mess of Romance. But the words to this one "You Don't Change", aren't as cool without the whole thing put together, but I figured I'd share anyways :-)

PS: I graduate in 24 days... Please pray for me as that completley boggles my mind. Here's just a few of my favorite pics of me and my amazing friends :-) ... how I will miss them!