So... I didn't get the job at the villiage school, but i have another interview at 9:45 am friday. I'm really praying for a lightning bolt or something so i'll know what i'm supposed to do.

The stress of life has surely been getting to me, I don't handle things nearly as well as i should. I finished this fictional book at Barnes and Nobles this past week. Instead of paying the $14.95 I read the 300 pages in 3 visits, and got to enjoy orange mocha frappuchinos. :-) The book was one of those christian suspense book series, I think it was by Dee Henderson. It's amazing how a fictional book can have such an impact on me. The story took place in today's setting but a picture of what would happen if all of a sudden all electricity, cars, watches, cell phone, pretty much anything with a signal or connected to something, including all water, shutting down. The stores ran out of everything, etc. It was at the end and the mother in the story was talking to this older woman and realizing how much of a better person she wanted to be in the situation, a better wife and mother, and how she was so scared that God's will would be her husband dying or her kids. She came to the scary realization where nothing was secure, or comfortable, and taking care of her family was completley out of her control. The older woman asked her the tough question- will you trust God and glorify Him not knowing what will happen, and knowing that those things could be in His will, but basically summing it up with- do you trust Him with the plans for your life? I literally just sat there in my seat by the window with tears streaming down my face. It hit me that I don't trust God. I hold onto my plans and people so tightly because I'm so afraid of losing them. That's just it. I'm not trusting God when I'm so afraid, and how I have been told that before by someone who I didn't want to listen to. Trusting God does not bring about fear. It's that simple. I mean we will always have that nervousness to do new things, but I fear way too much. And I know it's not healthy. My life quote- "life is a journey, seize every moment" rings in my head all the time, yet i think maybe i take it to a not so good extent. I tend to start things too soon, or try and force things because I am so scared of losing them. I have so many connections I need to figure out in this crazy head of mine, and stop hiding behind that fake smile and laugh that i play off so well. Most importantly, I need to get back on track in trusting God. I just feel so lost right now... I'm in a standstill and I keep feeling like I'm doing everything wrong. But I still feel that tug on my heart even when I try to run away, because honestly that's all I want to do right now is go far away like the "Augustana" song says where nobody knows my name, But I'm thankful that God truly never lets go. So please just pray... i don't really want advice, or to talk right now, but prayer and me getting my thoughts out does wonders for me.

On a completley different topic, this one is for those of you who like country music, which I realize is like none of you :-) But I LOVE this guy Rodney Atkins. http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=47380508

Three of my favorite songs are on his myspace. His "I've been watching you" song is so what I want my kids to say about their dad someday, minus the 4 letter word part. :-) His "going through hell" song just makes me smile. And "Cleaning this gun" makes me laugh, but tugs on my heart strings at the same time. It's what I would want my dad to do for me, and if I ever have a daughter I would want her to know she is that protected and safe. So if you want to listen to some really cute songs, check them out or at least give the "I've been watching you" one a chance.

well, I'm falling back on the trusty Proverbs 3:5-6 tonight as I have so many times before. Lord, help me to make these words true in my life...