This past weekend was awesome...

This was our small group this past weekend minus one of the girls who had to leave early.


A brief recap of the retreat is that I got to see rachel and shelby again who were two highschool girls who visited BBC last semester! I had an amazing small group.... I really thought the retreat was well organized... it was so encouraging to be around such a God seeking group of teens. It was also encouraging to be around such a great group of men who led this thing. The retreat consisted mainly of main sessions, small group stuff, comedy night, games and lots of memories. I also got a couple of geetar lessons yay! For comedy night we had to make a skit within our small groups, i had a blast even though it pushed me out of my comfort zone a little. My favorite message this weekend was about God and His desire for His name to be known... it was amazing! On Sunday after we left the retreat, I got to hang out with Alyssa and her friend Michael. We had so much fun, he bought us lunch and took us on a tour of Lancaster which is absolutley beautiful, gotta love Amish Country! hehe lyssy I need to hang out with your guy friends more often, I would never have to pay for a meal again, lol. If you wanna see more pictures look under my links.

I am going to Lancaster this weekend to help out at a retreat. I am so excited because two of the girls who will be there were two girls who came to visit BBC mid last semester and let's just say God worked in huge ways! I can't wait to see them again!

God provided for me in a big way too... It was not looking good as far as me being able to go, but God provided someone to cover my shift saturday... I have to admit that I am excited. I know nothing besides the fact that I will be a small group leader, but I know that God will be with me for whatever I am required to do. It will be really good for me too, because I miss the kids back home, and although technology is great and I can talk through IM and phone conversations it will be good to spend time with kids even if I will only get to know them for a weekend, but I have learned in the past that God can really use short periods of time in big ways!

So the big announcement is that I finally chose the team I want to be on for Namibia so I will be going to Hope's Promise Orphan Ministry, which I am excited about. There is something about that place that makes me come alive.. I have to get in gear with support letters and such, but I am gonna be working a lot so hopefully that will help. I am so excited Don that you are joining us... and just so you know Pastor Darin I knew he was coming before you did :-P... we will have to work on your acting skills though Don ;-). I am so excited though!!! our team is going to be amazing and Jackie it will be so awesome to spend more time with you... you, shari and I will team up when the guys get out of hand :-)


First couple of weeks of classes are going pretty well... keeping up with the work load so far. In one of my classes we are reading a book called "Why Nobody Learns Much of Anything in Church and How to Fix it" this book has been pushing me to try and find the delicate balance between teaching and letting others be pushed and figure things out themselves to avoid a dumbing down of the culture by handing over all the answers. I think I'm gonna write an english paper on it so if it's any good I might share it.


In my devotional "Utmost for His Highest" today it talked about being open to God and giving Him room to work. It also said that we need to be expectant but that God never works in the way you think He will... He is a God of surprises, and I have certainly discovered that!

Be Blessed and remember to seek God out in everything... PRAY, PRAY, PRAY.... I have been seeing tons of answered prayers lately... God is SO amazing.

Have a great weekend everyone,
as for me... I'm off to Lancaster :-)

wow... so being back at BBC is pretty much amazing! it's funny how once again I worried about something way too much unnecessarily and it is turning out great. I love being back with my amazing friends, not to mention coming back to a place that I know and am accustomed to was good, i feel a lot more comfortable here than i ever have which is good...

God taught me a really cool lesson today in the weirdest way. In chapel today Ken Riley from Lake Ann Camps in Michigan came and spoke to us. He showed a video and in it was this 70 year old woman who talked about fear, faith, and following God. She speaks at the camp, and does everything the kids do. Let's just say the things the kids do pretty much scare me to death... high ropes courses, rock wall climbing, and jacob's ladder. So I am sitting there watching this old lady do all these crazy things that she did to show the kids how she takes steps of faith in following God, as she fights her human fears. So this old crazy lady pretty much convicted me. I live a life of fear. I worry way too much about what other people think of me, and of looking stupid, and of just pure fear. There are so many things I would love to do.... I used to love skiing but now that I haven't skied in 8 years, i dont want to look stupid and im just plain scared. I have always wanted to try surfing but im petrified of sharks.
But today I conquered one of my fears! All throughout highschool I always wanted to try out for a play... i even signed up a few times to try out but I would always chicken out and miss my time slot. So today I went! i had such a blast! I was so excited and I just kept praying and it is so cool how God gave me the courage to do that. Even though i didn't get a part it was still amazing. I had a hard time cuz u need to have an english accent for this play, and well i don't do accents all that well so this play def. wasn't for me, but i will try out again next time and hopefully i can speak normally, hehe. but yeah it was pretty much amazing! i keep realizing how short my life is and i want to make the most of it and do things that I wouldn't normally do. I'm hoping my next crazy thing for me will be skiing with alyssa... haha petrified but I bet I can do it. Well I hope you guys are all doing awesome and enjoying being back here at BBC. Let God use you in big ways and don't be like me and let fear get in the way of something great! Be sure to live your life following God and to do things that make you happy and to be with those you love because life is too short to miss out on the adventures and to miss spending time with those special people in your life... remember that!
Be Blessed!
<3,>

God's plan for each of our lives is bigger
greater
& more amazing
than we could ever imagine.

now that we've got that straight I wish I wouldn't have to remind myself of that Truth so often... sigh... anxiety and constantly wondering when the things I desire will happen pretty much haunts my existence. Then I have to remember that I need to focus on God's desires and not my own. I am not excited about going back to BBC. It will be good to see everyone, but I just... I love it here in New Hampshire so much. Everything I want is here, and yet I don't even try hard or commit myself that much while I'm here because the fact that I have to soon leave is always looming over my head. But... with God I will be strong I will go to school and learn, because that's what God wants and His plans are far better than this romantic teenage girl could ever imagine. I know this has been the topic of my entries as of late, but I write on here more for myself and I really want to grasp this Truth as much as I can and I am willing to work at it as long as it takes.
In other news I am trying very hard to choose which team I would like to be on for my Namibia trip this summer... another decision with two good choices... I think God loves watching me go back and forth a bazillion times till i'm sick... hehe kidding... i know he does it because he is trying to teach me to be a good decision maker.
My time here in New Hampshire I would love to say has been great but I think it has been difficult for me. I regret to confess that the thought of leaving here to go back to school has gotten in the way of my fun. My vacation has consisted of lots of good things though regardless of my stupid anxious nature. For example I spent yesterday morning with my pastor who I think of as a father and I had so much fun. He is so good to talk to, and it was nice to vent and get a lot of things off my mind with someone who cares about me. My Christmas was also good and my family... i love them! so with only a few days left- pray that I make the best of them and that I won't let the thought of leaving ruin my last few days here like I have been letting them.
wow... i can't gather any of my thoughts... sorry nothing deep from me today... just me expressing my struggle living life with a sinful nature! gosh I can't wait for heaven when all that sin will be gone! i have so much anxiety lately... but God is still so Good.
be blessed!
<3,>

Honesty...

honesty has been becoming more and more easy for me the closer I grow to God. The more I realize that I am nothing without my Saviour, the more I am willing to share about my weaknesses, my faults, and my struggles. So prepare yourself for some honesty from a heart that is tired, but is still standing strong only from the strength of my God.

I am very confused at the moment, uncertain about pretty much everything and anything in my life, but I am not confused about the most important thing- how much God loves me, and how much I love Him back. I think right now that is the only thing I am certain about... and I am trying very hard to be content in that, and I'm getting there :-)

Decision Making...

yikes! Just the thought of the word "decision" brings a whole bunch of things to mind regarding my current circumstances, my past, and my future... and reminds me of how much I struggle with decisions, and the fear of making mistakes. But even still, God is so incredible! How is it that the past few days I have been struggling, I talked about my life just last night with a few friends... only to arrive at church today and it was about.... you guessed it...decision making... I don't believe in coincedences :-)

I do not know where I am supposed to be anymore, I don't know where I even want to be. I'm caught in the middle of something where my true self is not revealed either way. When I am around the people I love the most I am scared to open up. I am trying so hard to live the way I am told that is best- to "live for the moment" or to "make the best out of my circumstances" well, i'm sorry but it is hard for me to even let myself get too close to anyone anymore out of fear of leaving them behind. I don't want to reveal my heart when I will have to soon leave behind that openess that I so long for, but the fear of being known and inconsistency wins out. I hate thinking of all the things I have missed and am going to miss here at home, most of the time I would love to just give someone a big hug when all I can do is respond to questions with "I don't know" or a superficial grin saying "everything is great" How is it that I want to be myself, I long to have deep meaningful relationships, yet the fear of loss and the concern of making a mistake blinds the desires of my heart? Bethany Dillion lyrics come to mind when she sings,
"I want to hide what’s deep in my eyes, I’m scared to be known by you"

Numbness is the story of my life at the moment, I am not sure what I love or where I am supposed to be, but I do know that in everything God is in control, and even in my uncertainty I just have to keep trusting and remembering that God is the love of my life. If I keep seeking after Him He will give me the desires of my heart... even through this uncertainty I still have desires...I have dreams, In fact God has put a couple of things in my heart that He says He is going to do... and it's just difficult waiting to see how all of these things he has been revealing to me will work out... but I guess it's okay that I don't know for now.... cuz when you think of it my journey is only a small part of a big story, and things like school, ministry, marriage, summer plans aren't too hard for God to put together.... thank God for that... let's just say if all these things were in my control... yeah... ;-) I just need to keep making sure my heart is a heart after God.

I guess I will just have to be patient, trust God, make decisions, and see what this next year holds.

Love you all and happy New Year!