I can't sleep, I hate when that happens. And I know I will be so tired at work tomorrow, but I just am too lost in my own thinking to sleep. I was talking with someone I hadn't talked with for a very long time tonight and he asked me how life was. Oh that question, I'm not too fond of it. Life is just so... different than I thought it was going to be. I guess that's my problem. I think too much, and I fall for all the lies. As a little girl it's all about fairy tales, but real life isn't a fairy tale. It's hard to get over that when that's what you have been told all along. I don't like the fact that I am so discontent with life right now, and I think that's because maybe I don't know or live out what life is supposed to be in the first place.

I know I'm hard on myself at times, but it's only because I see the person I would like to be. I'm not deep enough, I don't understand why I believe things enough, I don't trust God enough... I'm really at a stage of my life where I'm discovering what life is and what the point is. I can't even tell you how much I have failed in this area, because I would not be so miserable lately if I hadn't gotten so off track. I have a new life now with work and doing different things, I just don't know how I feel about it yet. I know it's too soon to tell. But pretty much I'm just feeling so... wishing I was someone else. I'm at the point where I'm so sick of hearing all the nice things people say about me, because they really don't have a clue who I am. Funny... I get mad when people don't turn out to be who I thought they were, and I am just as guilty of that myself. Or always being told that everything will be okay when it never seems to feel okay again. I have honestly never longed to be comforted or loved by someone and to just be held so much in my life. Yet right now I feel like that is the WORST thing I could ever feel. It's such a distraction to me, because I can't focus on God when I desire attention from a human who could never meet my needs like God can. I must admit, lis that I'm a tad bit jealous only because I see the comfort and safety and openness in your marriage and I want that. Maybe I long for it so bad, because I have never even had a relationship that even comes close. Out of all of my friends, (and I love all of you dearly and it's not your fault it's mine for not being open) but I have only one friendship that is at such a deep level where I feel safe and have literally shared everything with, no rock unturned. I guess I have a problem with being myself, but the other part is a security issue. A lot of times I don't feel safe enough to open up, or I feel like I have to put on a performance with whoever I'm talking to, to be the person they want me to be. It's tiring to try to be someone who I'm not yet. But even more frusterating to not be the person I want to be. I hate worrying, I hate being discouraged, and I hate the fact that more that half of my blog postings are probably me griping about life. I truly need to get over myself. I really need to let God quench this desire in me to be loved, because I desire that more than anything. But as I mentioned to pastor darin today i don't think that anyone could ever love me enough to look past my screwed up family, my mess of a life that i only make messier, and to love me for me. Not the me where I put on the show to try and be this spiritual young woman that everyone admires where inside she feels more empty than you could ever imagine. But someone who encourages me to fill that emptiness with God, and to be intimate enough with me to show me the messy person that they are. Because deep down we are all messes, none of us are perfect. ( I need to read that book again). But that's what happens when you give your heart away. You end up empty. You run away from the only One that can make you feel true joy for something less. Yet why is it that the something less seems to always be what I fall for?

I had the best conversation while helping my friends move in on saturday. I love those conversations with people that you don't know well, but you get deep fast and learn so much. It was on a trip to a dump nonetheless where we talked about how relationships with your dad affect your view of God. Pastor Darin's sermon that sunday left a mark on a lot of us. But not just with fathers but with people in general. To be quite honest, pretty much all of the most important people in my life have completley screwed up. They have broken my trust, hurt me, and have caused quite a lot of hurt in my life. That's the cause, well with every cause there's an effect right? I suck at trusting people. Even worse when I do trust people they only end up breaking my trust to encourage the cycle even more. Well no wonder that in my relationship with God and others I feel like a scared little puppy waiting expectantly for the next hurt to come. And maybe deep down I feel like God likes to let me hurt, or maybe I know He is trying to get my attention. But maybe I'm mad at Him because He won't give me the one thing I want more than anything. One day, or maybe never I will understand what the heck He is doing in the big picture. But I'm so thankful in the small picture that He let me have a pretty amazing day today. Youth Ministry kicks (insert word that I can't say here) haha :-) I must say it's one of the only times where I feel completley in my element and actually feel almost like I'm good at something.

well it's almost one, so I need to wrap up my ranting :-)

I am so glad that my God searches me and that He knows me. That He is with me now and that I will hopefully be able to fall asleep. Meditating on Phil 4:8, I'm really glad that God has given me a desire for purity, and sure I fail, but I try so hard to guard my mind and to not put junk into it. But I really need to work on purity in my heart, because I give far too easily and sometimes when you give something away you just can't get it back. I should be saving everything for my God.