So it's 2 days 5 hours and 39 minutes away! I'm so excited!!!!
God renew me. Help me to remember that passion I used to have in following after You. Jesus speak to me as I return to a place that has always felt like "home."
For those of you who don't know the link, check out the Namibia blogsite- there will be journal entries, pictures, and you can leave comments
Well that's all you'll hear from me in awhile as I will be busy the next couple of days preparing and packing.
Please keep our team of 18 in your prayers, it is going to be amazing to see how He works in each of our hearts and the incredible things He will have us do. I can't wait to see my Namibian friends!
love you all!
Two things to start out... HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATIEEEEEEEE!!!To start off on a non-serious note, this was my face when pastor darin, amanda, and katie walked in to surprise me for my graduation... hehe, i was only a little excited and very shocked... :-) Keep checking my photobucket, I hope to get my Graduation pics and my cruise pics up soon!
"People really like me a lot when they only know me a little, but I have this great fear that if they knew me a lot they wouldn't like me."
"And the scary thing about relationships, intimate relationships, is that if somebody gets to know us, the us that we usually hide, they might not love us; they might reject us."
"... I always thought marriage, would be the ultimate fullfillment. It is great don't get me wrong, but there are places in our lives that only God can go."
"I mean that to be in a relationship with God is to be loved purely and furiously. And a person who thinks themselves unlovable cannot be in a relationship with God because he can't accept who God is; a Being that is love. We learn that we are lovable or unlovable from other people. That is why God tells us so many times to love eachother."
~Quotes from Donald Miller's book "Blue Like Jazz"
These quotes were awesome because they capture a lot of how I feel a lot of the time. And by these quotes I don't mean that I am always this way, it just seems to be a struggle I can't completley let go of. Fear is a horrible thing to let rule your life, it's an area I am growing in, but I look forward to continued growth because I am so far from where I would like to be. I just liked these quotes so much because it made me feel less alone in being fearful. It was nice to just feel like someone understands today (even if it was only words on a page ;-) instead of having people start listing all I have going for me and getting frusterated that I can't see what they see. But I know that until I feel that acceptance myself, I will only think you are crazy :-) ... but I continue to try, because I desire a life where I fear only God. I think that maybe I should start a personal bible study on fear... I just typed the word "fear" into biblegateway and just a little under 400 references came up. That's such a reminder to me that God is indeed perfect and knows me so deeply that He provided a way to teach me about one of my biggest struggles, and I think one of mankinds biggest struggles. I need to take advantage of that.
Updates: three more days at work and 12 days till Namibia- I am SO ready...
So I haven't been able to get Pastor Darin's sermon out of my head today. I love how He described God as this furious love. A love that keeps taking you back no matter what you do, and that pursues you. I don't get it. I tend to run away from the things I don't understand. I was looking at some of my friends xanga pages and stumbled upon some lyrics that really hit me. I have been processing so much this past week. I've been truly struggling with remembering that my human relationships aren't like God. God doesn't make mistakes, or hurt you, and He's worthy of your trust. That's so hard to swallow because if you're like me you put too much faith into people. And you wonder how a God so big could love me when the people in your life who are supposed to can't and they mess up... alot. So much hurt from my past has resurfaced this past week. I feel like a scared little kid sometimes hiding from the world because I don't want to be noticed. I like to hide and blend in because I don't want people to see who I am. But God doesn't want that. He never grows tired of me and He wants me to break down all of my walls, He wants me to be free of myself, and to hope and to have dreams. I wrote my own version of Psalm 139 because I desire that love, but I'm also afraid of it. I'm afraid to dissapoint, and I know there will be times when I will, and I don't want to be given up on or hurt anymore. But love requires risk and even getting hurt, but it also means never giving up. It requires forgiveness. I need to be a more forgiving person, but as Pastor Darin said "forgiving hurts." Because when you forgive you know in the back of your mind that there is still the risk where you will be hurt again in the same way, yet we still need to forgive anyways. Because real love is a love that always forgives and perseveres, that never gives up. I'm really glad that God is so good at this loving thing, because I am really not even close to as loving as I would like to be. Most of all, love isn't fearing somone so much that you can't be yourself. But you can't be yourself without loving yourself first and knowing your worth in Christ. I have a long road in this area, but I am so so thankful that God NEVER gives up on me, and will never hurt me. I'm glad for that love that pursues me and never let's me go. I am so excited to go back to Namibia in about 15 days. I can't wait to be taken out into the dessert where my God will speak to me tenderly and I will feel all of my doubts pass away and just be loved by my lover who won't let me go. (And for those of you that didn't hear the sermon I'm referring to, check out Hosea 2.)"In your eyes a moment ago I saw fire and rain Surely after you smiled at me It all melted to painYou cannot be true to me Until you're true to yourself You say you have to leave And put your heart on a shelfWhat taught you that you've gotta run? What inspires this fear? When you start to feel something real, You always disappear You have to disappear
I wanna get inside of you Find what makes you tick You can see I am getting thin And your walls are too thickI've given my heart and mind What more can I do?You cash out any time See I'm getting throughWhat taught you that you've gotta run? What inspires this fear?When you feel something real,You always disappear You have to disappear
I know you have dreams Don't hold them insideTake hold of your heart and open it wideI know you have fears Just push them asideYou'll never feel love if you never try I know you have dreams Don't hold them insideTake hold of your heart and open it wideI know you have fears Just push them asideYou'll never feel love if you never try
Who told you that you've gotta run?What inspires this fear?When I show you somethin' real Please don't disappear, don't disappear" ~Stephen Speaks ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh love I've always known you, and Oh love, you've always been mine. Oh love, I'm only asking you for your life." ~Nevertheless
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What I'm thinking about: Colossians 3:23 and why I do everything I do. Also how I wish I didn't get so easily distracted when big things are changing in my life. It's easy for me at times like this to push God away and I feel like I have been doing that. I'm just meditating on the fact that my God loves me and that's all that matters. I thought it would encourage me to write out my own personal Psalm 139 based on the life of Amanda... :-)
He has always known me, He knows my innermost being. He knows when I will finally fall to sleep tonight and the time I will wake up. He knows what I will eat for breakfast and which two year olds are going to get on my nerves the most tomorrow. He knows what makes me smile and He understands me when I'm shy and I don't make sense even to myself. He understands what I feel and what I am going through. He understands my desire to be loved and He wishes I would just let Him love me and that I would love Him back with my whole heart. He wishes I wasn't so easily frightened by life and that I would Trust Him in everything. He holds me when I cry and when I'm scared. He knows that I have a freckle underneath my little toe on my left foot. He knows the days of my life and how many hairs are on my head. He knows I could listen to music forever and that His creation has a way of taking my breath away. He knows that sometimes all I need is a hug, and He always provides just the right person to give me one. He knows my hopes, that I am struggling to dream, and that I feel so tired lately. He knows I am compassionate and that I love hard and that I am sensitive. He loves me even when I'm scared to draw near because my finite mind cannot comprehend a love so great that would still love me even when I can be so distant and selfish. He knows that my favorite inventions are my geetar, a hammock, and ice cream. He loves me even though I am far from perfect. He knows the mistakes I will make, and He is proud when I do right. He loves me forever the same. He is my true father, the dad I have always longed for. I am His princess who makes Him smile- from the day I came out crying, my childhood, through the tough teenage years, and He will continue to be with whatever phases of life come next. He is the greatest love I could ever have. He knows me better than I could ever hope to know myself. He loves me. :-)
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