So I thought it would be fun to look at some recaps of 2008.

Let's see... I'm having trouble remembering things, looking back through pics for help...

January...ummm... Probably was starting to be conned into the 08 Namibia trip which I swore I wasn't going on.
Also was our winter youth retreat with the youth group! It was such a neat weekend for me, to see the kids bonding and finally seeing a hint of unity amidst our diverse group of kids.


February... SJ's 19th Birthday! We took a road trip to Boston to Celebrate.


March... 11th- My dad's bday, 31st- My Mom's bday!!!



April.. I took some big steps in upgrading my car :)


May... This was a very eventful month and I was probably thinking, it's been a year since I graduated from BBC, what should I do with my life?
I also went for a roadtrip down to Florida with the Shaw's! :) I remember long car rides, complete with lots of Sister Hazel and Bruce Springstein, being back at Disney for the first time since I was five, and having a blast spending time with a really great family. Oh yeah and the palm trees. LOVED them.


May was also a time for a visit down to BBC to see my friend Shirley Graduate. It was also the 30 hour famine which was a time to see the kids sleep in cardboard boxes and put their faith in action by bringing sandwiches to the homeless in the streets of Nashua. It also ended with a church service where the kids shared and Dieter was in town to preach and put so many things in perspective.


June... I turned 21 and was overwhelmed with the amount of love I felt from family, friends, coworkers and students.


June also was the end of the school year at my first "real job." I was thinking how blessed I was that God put such an amazing little boy in my life to work with, because I am definetly not the same person because of him in so many ways. June also held a random trip to Maine and a memorable walk with my grandfather, and lots of 21st bday outings. :)

July... Oh Namibia. I really didn't think I would be back there. I didn't think I would be a team leader again. But life sure surprises you. :)



August- Also a very busy and memorable month. It started out with a roadtrip to boston with kayleena, a dinner cruise with the fam, Andrew's 14th birthday and my first patriot's game!


September- A new school year. I also made a big decision to go back to school, and somehow went from baptist school to catholic, I just want to cover all my bases. ;) We had our labor day kick off party, SJ got his white lab coat, had my first and last King Kone of the season, and took a roadtrip to Vermont so my mom could have a break.


October- Corn Maze, Pumpkin Festival, and seeing old friends.


November- Thanksgiving!!!! Always a crazy time to get together with family! ;) Then there was the yearly turkey bowl and I got bangs for the first time since I was about 8, which therby followed lots of sarah palin comments. Then our crazy black friday outing.


December- Ice storms, Power outages, my Nana... :) Oh boy, let's remember the good times, like Parties and friends and our Savior's birth.


It's been quite a year. Happy 2009 Everyone! Looking forward to many amazing and crazy things to come! :)

No one knows what the future holds
Except the one who made it all
But it's alright with me
maybe my dreams just aren't meant to be.

I'm too young or maybe too old
to know what this life is about
But faith is what always pulls me through
The doors are wide open now.



I need to start writing and playing again. But I'm really thinking about the next couple of years. What do I want to see happen? How does God want me to spend these next couple of years? I know we are not guaranteed anything, but I really don't think there is anything wrong with having an idea or dreaming.

So many options. Like this website:
http://www.teachabroad.com/search.cfm

I looked into Namibia and Greece and there are so many options, some short term, some long. Some I'm not qualified for yet. But I don't know if I could honestly say I really want to go, part of me does, but then the other part is, what about my family? What about my friends and all the people I love, how do you just leave all of that?

I'm concerned because as of now, there are no class being offered next year that fit my program. :( So then there is the question of transferring, taking the year off, joining the army. haha just kidding on the last one. I just really don't want to be in school forever. I want to get my bachelor's then maybe my master's. I want to teach or work solely with children who have special needs.

The options are endless and at some point I need to remember that I should let nothing hold me back. I need to just run towards Jesus and He will guide me from there. No matter what anyone thinks or no matter how much I want certain people to always be close by. Maybe sometimes when you let go of all the other things, maybe just maybe I could be more brave.

I've been hearing that over and over again. I have accepted that life is difficult and I believe that God is in control. I am almost 100% sure He loves me and that He allows things to happen to those He loves because in some weird, crazy way it brings me closer to Him and glorifies Him. I think I've been over my being angry and running away from God phase for a little bit now, and it feels like a huge weight is lifted. But just because there isn't as much anger and fear, there is still pain. A lot of it. And it tends to hit me when I least expect it. Like tonight, so many things assaulting my mind so quickly that I just shut down. I go into this self preservation mode where I just cry and want to escape any people around me. People tend to ask too many questions before I'm ready for them.

Tears were spilling down my face as I listened to lyrics of songs that talked about pain and hurt. I just don't understand why people are so... awful. I don't understand why I have to be holding my mom's hand because Christmas doesn't bring "merriment" because now it feels to all of us to signify the end of what she thought was a beginning. I don't understand why things keep coming and coming. But there are so many real life stories of people who went through awful things, like we heard tonight, and they are capable of doing great things. I think that somehow pain brings beauty in the end. Although most of the time I feel anything but beautiful.

Tonight just reminded me all the more that I just wish I could feel God like I do a friend. I know God is always there. I know I can pray to Him and read my bible and spend time with Him. But what does it mean for God to be your everything. What does that mean when all I want is for someone to walk through my mess of a life with me, remind me that things will be okay. Why do I always want something that God can fill, or is it maybe deep down I feel He can't fill that spot? I just for once, want to feel taken care of. I want to be held, I want to have someone do little things throughout the day to make me smile. My whole life has been spent trying to take care of others. It brings me joy, I love to encourage people and help others.

I guess I'm just feeling selfish tonight. I'm just trying so hard to let God be the one to comfort me, but sometimes I just wish I could physically feel His presence. I just wish I could honestly say that God meets all my needs, so then why do I still feel so empty sometimes and like something is missing?

So I've been thinking that I could probably write a book on my experiences this past week alone.

More to come...

My heart feels so burdened tonight. I'm hurting for my brother, for my mom. From recent tests it was found that Andrew's epilepsy has now spread throughout his entire brain instead of the spot it was before. He has also been having some weird dizzy spells this week, which we assumed were side effects from his new meds but the doctors don't think so. So we are off to the emergency room at Children's tomorrow. I just feel scared.

God says not to be afraid, that He is with us. I know that and I do know He is there, I just miss the closeness I once felt with Him, where I felt I knew Him. I miss feeling genuine in my faith where I felt an overflow out of my heart instead of feeling like I have to force it. I know God knows me better than anyone else, and I believe He loves me even though I don't understand why. I just want to be true and pure and set apart and sincere. I want Jesus to be what I live for. I just wish I could feel it. I know that God doesn't change when my emotions do. But does anyone ever feel like this whole faith thing is crazy? That this whole story, that there is a heaven, that Jesus is alive, that when I confessed with my mouth and believed with my whole heart almost 8 years ago, that the wrath of God was replaced with love and forgiveness... doesn't it sound crazy? Praise God that just because my heart is confused and unsure it doesn't change who God is and what I believe. I think that faith is believing when you can't see, through the doubt and uncertainties. Continuing to struggle and fight and hold on when everything is screaming at you to just give up.

Sometimes I wonder why it feels like it's just one big thing after another. Why my family has had to go through so much. All I know is I don't know. But I don't feel anger, I just feel tired. I just pray that God would grow my faith to trust in Him. I'm not sure what they will say tomorrow, and who knows maybe the tests will reveal some good news, but I just hope we would seek Him no matter what they say. Please pray for my family.


"You are my strength when I am weak,
You are the treasure that I seek,
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all."