On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand...
amanda
So being home is a good feeling... yet surreal all at the same time. It's a weird feeling to not feel like I particularly belong in any one place anymore... I cannot believe I am done with my first semester of college?!? I cannot believe I am in college. Watching movies growing up traveling home for Christmas break always seemed so out of reach... yet at the moment I feel like God is opening up the world to me!!! I am not sure where to go, or which path to take... I will just have to keep looking down the path that is good, and traveling down the narrow path no matter how hard it is. It's been so neat to see how God could literally take and use me anywhere... NH, PA, and even Namibia. He brings such cool oppurtunities and chances to impact the lives of kids wherever I have been going, and even though at times the lack of feeling at home is missing, each kid reminds me that all this uncertainty is worth it. Even when I miss NH like crazy none of it matters because I need to be in PA for now... and who knows where I will end up... even though I am clinging to what I desire I think God is slowly helping me let go.

I was reading through part of Matthew today and I was reminded of how important it is to have our foundation in Christ. We need to make sure that our faith rests in Him alone, because Matthew reminds us that a foundation built on sand (the things of this world) crumbles when the rain and storms hit... but a foundation in Christ is unlike the foundation of the world... no matter what trials we face, or how hard it rains, if our hope is in Christ we will always stand firm. That's so amazing :-)

My recent encouragement is to keep journeying to become more like Jesus, and always remember to keep praying in anything and everything... sometimes expectations get you down, but then we need to take a step back and remember that God's plan is the best of all... no matter how perfect our plans seem in our minds! Jesus is our precious gift, and it is by His sacrifice on our behalf that we have the Holy Spirit! We need to make sure that it is the Spirit who is leading our lives and not our fleshly desires. If you need it, go read romans 8:28 again and keep renewing your mind of God's amazing promises!
Be blessed!
Love in Christ,
* amanda *

PS: here is a pix of me and a few of my friends on a trip to NYC!
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God's Surprises
amanda

As Rachel and Bethany are giving a dramatic reading of "On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand" (haha... don't ask) I can't help but think how amazing that song is regardless of their horrible rendition (haha!!! kidding!!!)
God has been so amazing recently... it's hard to put into words... God has been surprising me, and molding me, and helping me guard my heart more. I never really noticed how much I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm not even sure how God brought that before me, but I've been trying to keep more things between just God and I. I am still going to write about things, and talk to my girlfriends about them, but God has just been showing me what the role of a woman is. She is gentle, submissive, quiet, discerning, wise, and fears the Lord. I realize how often in my life it is so easy for me to impulsively jump into something and start up conversations when I want to talk instead of using the discernment that God calls me to use. I am trying to learn to control my impulsive nature and be patient. God knows my needs and I just need to trust in Him that if I need to talk, He will provide me an oppurtunity, but I need to be careful when and whom I share things with. As you can guess I'm talking more about guys, and not my girlfriends. I have been finding that I initiate and lead conversations far too much, and I'm learning how hard it is to truly draw a line... but God is slowly taking me through it. But if there is one thing that I can say to encourage my fellow girls it is... guard your hearts. We are precious in God's eyes and we need to make sure that we are keeping our hearts, minds, and bodies pure, because that is what God calls us to do. God loves you so much and we need to always remember that He is the only one that will fill our deepest desires. I think of the verse in Phillipians where it says:

"8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

This is what I am working on... patience, waiting and purity. I hope that as I work on these things, that you will come alongside this journey with me of learning how to become the women that God calls us to be. I know it can be hard, but when your struggling with something grab a friend and pray. I can't even tell you how much that has been helping me. No matter how little an issue may seem, or how many times you have prayed about the same issue, just keep praying. When your anxious about something pop in a CD that relates to what your going through and sing your heart out. And sing and pray to your Saviour and only Him... these are just some things that have been helping me.
I find that God knows when we are ready and completley catches us off guard with surprises. For example the day before my late night with the highschool girls that came to stay in our dorm, I had a weird realization... God calling me to youth ministry is the only thing in my life that I have yet to doubt.. that was so weird to me... then getting to know these girls i felt God hit me on the forehead and lovingly say "Duh! The reason you have not doubted is because I have given this to you. I have given you the desires and the passion, and the heart." I just smile when I think of that.. then I go to church and as I'm leaving, one of the mother's of the girls catches me and asks if I would like to help run a monthly event and maybe a bible study... that was so out of no where but such a blessing.
Working with kids has been my escape from a world that doesn't make sense. Guiding kids when they can't find there way and loving them is when my world most makes sense. I am a whole new person. The outgoing, advice-giving, and even at times leading worship with guitar is not from me. That is not me. I am a self-concious girl with no confidence, and I am nothing without God. God has been graciously changing me though, and i know that when I work with kids anything that occurs in purely God and God alone because at times I sit back and look at myself and ask... "where did that come from?" So even though nothing ever makes sense to me, I am so blessed and thankful for this one area in my life that God reveals Himself to me so clearly. wow...
okay I'm done with this latest "book entry" but I just encourage you all to really and truly evaluate where you are in your walk with God. What in your life needs changing... and trust me... God will reveal it to you.
love you guys,
~Amanda


"I am a dreamer, take me higher. Open the sky up, start a fire. I believe even if it's just a dream..." ~Bethany Dillion
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A Change of Heart
amanda
God has been using a lot of my emotions that I had in my past post to really shape my heart. The past few days have been awesome and instead of going to God and dumping all of my anxieties and all of my fears and whining and complaining that He never answers me, I just spent time with Him these past few days. It's been amazing.
So many times I just go to God, thank Him for what He's done, and load tons of prayer requests on His plate. None of that is wrong, but I should be becoming more like Christ and how can I do that if I am not spending time really enjoying Him and spending time with Him?
Last night I was planning to go to the cardio room only to realize that the guys basketball team had taken it over... My first thought was to be annoyed but I decided to make the best of it. I went for a walk outside. As I started to walk thoughts of "God why can't you just answer me... Why can't you just tell me what to do" surfaced, and I decided to push them away. I thought of nothing, I just walked, enjoyed our beautiful campus covered in snow, and felt God there with me... I have not felt that for awhile... Just feeling God like He was hand in hand next to me Even though it was chilly, it was incredible. I felt like I was 5, and my love for God was overflowing... I wrote I <3 God in the snow, and just had some fun quiet time, and I ENJOYED my Saviour. I did not ask for anything, I just answered God's plea to spend time with Him. I had been ignoring that plea for awhile because it had gotten smothered by my crazy life here. As I walked another blessing occured to me, on my walk I passed a few couples, and although I was a tad jealous God put a new thought in my mind. I now fully understand what it says in 1 Corinthians about the benefits of being single. Although I am so excited for the marriage part of my life if that's what God wants, it made me realize how couple's really can't do that. The couple's enjoying the same night sky that I was were more wrapped up in eachother... it is really nice for now to not have any ties... to be able to let God love me and no one else. I am still processing through this past week, but I know God used that hard night for good, because my devotions the last couple of days have been amazing. I have been learning so much about Faith and how we we need to stop questioning God and feeling like He needs to hand us a book on every event that will happen in our lives. We need to have true Faith... not a Faith with a foundation of doubt, but complete Trust in our Saviour after we have handed everything in us over.
I really admire those of you who care enough to actually read my long posts.... I love to write and writing has always been a way for me to go into my own little world and discover what it is that God is doing, and express my feelings. I encourage all of you to get all bundled up and go spend time with God and think about your Faith...
Are you just going through the motions or do you truly give every aspect of your life over to God and Trust Him with it?
We all are constantly growing, and I hope this somehow pushes you guys to think. Enjoy the last few weeks before Christmas! Love you all
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Longing for Heaven
amanda
Ever been too scared to turn something over to God? It's when you have given most of something over, but inside your just afraid to let that other part go. I'm holding onto the pieces of my heart with everything in me yet I feel like God is telling me to let go. Why can't I let go? why is fear grabbing on? I'm going to be honest no matter how horrible this sounds. I don't trust God. I don't trust Him with how long He wants me here at BBC, I don't trust Him with who I am going to marry, and I don't trust myself. So who am I gonna leave these things up to anyways? I feel like everything is moving... life is circulating around me and all my hopes and dreams are shattering in my face.... given I don't even know how anything will turn out, but truth is I just want to go home... and not my NH home. I want to be with Jesus, I want to stop hurting and being confused, I want to escape my desires and love for the seemingly impossible. A man back home just died last night from a brain tumor. It's funny how you can not really know someone and have something hit you so hard. I have been praying for this man for months now and I have visited him only two times but my heart has been burdened for him and his family. As I cried last night and told my mom that I had still been praying for a miracle, she told me that his miracle is that he is dancing before Jesus right now. It makes me cry just thinking about it. In my lowest times I recognize that the true cry of my heart is for God and God alone. I want to be dancing before Jesus. I want to be wrapped in the arms of someone who loves me like that. Even when I think I am in love it is bitterly dissapointing because it will not fill that void for God. I just want Jesus to wrap His arms around me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. It's what I want more than anything... so why won't I just let go. I pray for my heart to break tonight. To completley shatter. I am too worried, too self-concious, and too wrapped up in myself. I love you Lord I just want to love you so much more...

Here is a song by Mercy Me off their Christmas Cd... It is called Joseph's lullaby.. it's precious...

"Go to sleep my son, go and chase your dreams, this world can wait for one more moment, go and sleep in peace.
I believe the glory of heaven is lying in my arms tonight. Lord I ask that He for just this moment simply be my child.
Go to sleep my son, baby close your eyes. Soon enough you'll save the day, but for now dear child of mine, oh my Jesus sleep tight."

I pray for rest... I pray for renewal of trust... I pray for Peace. God I know that you love me even so much more than Joseph loved Jesus. You are the ultimate lover. Help me to not try to find love in the wrong places, but instead in you. Help me to turn over whatever I am holding back from you... I want you to have all of me...

"Take it all away, all my hopes that aren't of your will. This pain I know will see better days, I just need to trust in you. Love more beautiful than anything is within my grasp, help me to give in //make me fall in love with you/ I'm too scared to move/ I want to fall in love with you/ I'm your child I shall not fear/ your precious grace rescues my soul from anything that has brought me here/ beautiful Jesus just hold me tonight/ I want to fall in love with you// Pain consumes, love overtakes. The future seems too far, but in your hands you will lead the way. No matter how far I try to run you help me find my way back to you. Forever resisting, help me give in. //make me fall in love with you/ I'm too scared to move/ I want to fall in love with you/ I'm your child I shall not fear/ your precious grace rescues my soul from anything that has brought me here/ beautiful Jesus just hold me tonight/ I want to fall in love with you// Rest and comfort I find in your arms. Sin is no match to you, I'm giving in. I'm falling in love with you."
~Me

PS: this is something i wrote on a friend's site awhile back... i think i should take my own advice:

6/26/05: I think that one of the coolest things about God is that He knows all the answers and we don't. there have been so many times when i want to figure something out, and i hate feeling that i don't know or understand anything, which i admit is all the time. the overwhelming sense that we constantly have more to learn and understand can be frusterating, at least for me anyways. God has been showing me especially in recent days though, how perfectly everything works together to the point that it scares me. i guess i've come to the conclusion that since we are all ever condemned to incomplete understanding that its okay. plus if we knew everything would real faith exist? i don't think so... i think its not knowing all the answers that leads us to keep seeking after God and to learn more about His character, which is why we fall in love with Him. i think its when we are able to discover on our own that God is loving, and merciful, and that he will never leave our side is when we can begin to live a life of love and faith, and seek after figuring out the delicate balance you described. our process of spirituality is never ending, and our fear and love for God is what brings us to the point of discovering what true faith is.

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