Prayer
amanda
Hey Everyone, I'm doing MUCH better despite current circumstances. Yesterday was probably the last day of my "homesick/weird" adjustment phase, and I think I am beginning to get into the swing of BBC life. Now that classes have been kicking in, things have gotten a lot better. I am taking 18 credits, but I am also taking a youth min evangelism class where I audited it even though I am still doing all the work, so we might pay some extra money so I can credit for that. So I am carrying a work load of 21 credits which should be intense since the most I have ever taken is 18. I also have to complete this year 4 field experience credits for the early childhood requirements. Here are my classes for this semester:
Old Testament Prophets
Romans
Issues In Early Childhood Education
Theology II
Active Learning for Early Childhood Education
Development Learning
Youth Min Evangelism

As you can tell I switched to early childhood, it's been interesting so far and I'm not going to lie... in all my early chilhood classes I'm always comparing in my head what I'm learning to teenagers and taking note of the similarities and differences to make it more interesting :-) My bible classes also seem like they will be hard and a lot of work, and many big words that I don't understand... should be fun ;-)

I went to Church for the first time last night and at the end Pastor Colin asked for anyone who was interested in doing stuff with the junior high/senior high to come talk to him. So I did and he said he already gave the people in charge my name. So that is exciting, I've only been praying for an oppurtunity to get involved in the church here for a year now :-) So classes are good, I'm making some new friends, and catching up with the old ones. On Saturday I am going to work at an amusement park up here, because I found out that since I am graduating this year I am considered a senior so Alyssa and I are planning on going on the Senior Class trip, which is a Cruise to Bermuda and the Bahammas :-) So I get to go help run rides for half a day, make 50 bucks for the trip then ride the rides the other half of the day, I thought that was a pretty sweet deal. So that's whats new in my life currently. I have a few updated prayer requests though:

~My roomate Alyssa is in New Hampshire right now because she was planning to see an ears, nose, and throat specialist because she has been having throat problems since june. Well she just found out she has mono, and is not sure when she is coming back. So needless to say I miss my best friend a lot and BBC isn't the same without her. So pray that everything works out and she will be back in a week.
~ My little brother will be in Children's Hospital for the next two days to go through a lot of testing to hopefully find out more information on him, and to hopefully find a medication that works better.
~I'm looking for a babysitting job or possibly at a daycare 2/3 days a week

Miss you all, but thankfully I've been too busy to think about it so that I think helped with the whole homesickness thing. I will leave you with the lyrics of a song we've been singing in chapel that past couple of days, It's really beautiful and I love the chorus and bridge:

"The mystery of the cross I cannot comprehend
The agonies of Calvary
You the perfect Holy One, crushed Your Son
Drank the bitter cup reserved for me

Chorus
Your blood has washed away my sin
Jesus, thank You
The Father’s wrath completely satisfied
Jesus, thank You
Once Your enemy, now seated at Your table
Jesus, thank You

By Your perfect sacrifice I’ve been brought near
Your enemy You’ve made Your friend
Pouring out the riches of Your glorious grace
Your mercy and Your kindness know no end

Bridge
Lover of my soul
I want to live for You"

Jesus, Thank You by Pat Sczebel
© 2003 Sovereign Grace Worship
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A lover for the lonely... this is our God
amanda
I'm at BBC. The rain is pouring down, making me feel that God understands the hurt in my heart. Yet more than ever I just keep clinging to God and recognizing how good He is. I have a busy week ahead, but God will get me through it. I unfortunetly don't have a computer at the moment because mine decided to break two days before I left, and the one that someone lent me doesn't work with the BBC internet, so word from me could be far and inbetween till it all gets worked out. Just know to those few who actually read this, and who know that I love them very much that you are in my prayers, and that I miss you so much. Hold onto the hope that God is faithful, just like He is faithful in my loneliness right now :-)

May the Lord bless you and keep you, may His face shine upon each one of you,

love always, amanda
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PS:
amanda
I spent a lot of time outside this morning. Sometimes all you need is a little nature, some journaling, praying, and singing to get your heart back on track. I wrote an entry this morning before all of this (you can read it, it's the previous one) and I had a lot on my mind. Yet as I went outside I looked around me. The clouds literally dance for God, the birds sang along as I played my guitar, and the trees stood still in awe of an amazing God. I wrote my heart out in my journal realizing once again, that this life is not about me. It's not about me being scared about going to BBC, but it's about the fact that God wants me there to be able to prepare me for future ministry. It's not about my dissapointment in myself for not being able to say what I want to say, but it's about God teaching me that He is all I need and that even though I am far from perfect He loves me enough to do a good work in me and will give me words when I'm ready. It's not about my desires, plans, and heartache- it's about God's timing and His better plan for my life. I can dream, regret, wish, and want but none of that competes with living a life solely for Him, finding pleasure in Him and glorifying Him through finding my pleasure in Him.

I know it's quite possible that I could forget this in two minutes, which is why I am doing this slowly. Reminding myself each minute that this life is for Him, and feeling God's grace when I forget. As for all of my hopes...? God knows. God will give me peace when it's time to act, and time to guard. I need to stop worrying thinking that because I don't do something I will ruin His entire plan, because His plan will play out no matter what I do or say. But I still think that's a hard line to draw, when to act and when to wait... But God is good :-)

I hope this encourages you all as much as it did me! Sorry for so much writing today, but God proved this morning once again that He never let's go, because He gave me a major heart change.

"Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise
when the darkness closes in Lord
Still I will say:
Blessed be the name of the Lord..."
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You Never let Go
amanda

First off....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDREW!!!!

I cannot believe my baby brother is 12, time sure does fly!


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So I woke up at seven this morning. It's one of those mornings when I should still be sleeping, but sometimes anxiety has other plans in store. Sitting here staring at the screen with tired eyes, there is just so much on my heart. Sometimes I will go to biblegateway to look at the verse of the day for some encouragement.. check out todays: :-)

"When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." ~Psalm 94:18

God is the only comfort I need, why is it that I so quickly forget that? I just wish that I was braver. I wish that I didn't get teary eyed every time someone says, "i'll see you in three weeks." I wish I didn't have to say goodbye to people I love, I wish I didn't have this ache in my heart from saying goodbye, and I wish I could explain how I feel.

haha... boy do I wish a lot. It's just I have that quote that I've been trying to live my life by- "Life is a journey, seize every moment." I've come to the conclusion that I suck at that. It also doesn't help after seeing World Trade Center. I'd say the biggest theme that struck me is when you wake up to that alarm clock make sure you make every moment count, because you don't know what today is going to hold. It just seems to be such a fine line between seizing a moment, and not pushing God's plans too fast. Knowing how much to say and when to stop and guard your heart. All way to confusing for me to figure out. Sometimes I would love to be able to just open my mouth and have everything come tumbling out, but I have a feeling if I did that I wouldn't be able to stop for a long time and I might say something that breaks the waiting on God's timing thing. A very ironique idea from a recent conversation, how I regret not saying some things, yet I fear that I might regret something I might say. I hate waking up feeling anxious and with regrets, but maybe the fact that I keep my deepest thoughts so close, is that it is my form of protecting myself from more hurt when I leave. Selfish? maybe...

I'm scared to leave because that ache in my heart only gets bigger as soon as I pull onto that BBC campus. Although I am so tempted to just drop out, I'm going to let God stretch me one more time through BBC. I have one more year. I know it will be hard, I know I will be crying on alyssa a lot, and I know that a lot of my heart will still be in New Hampshire. But God is going to get me through just like He did last year, and Lord willing He is going to bless me with an Associate's degree, and send me home to find the other piece of my heart again. Until then I will cling to the verse I memorized when I was 13:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct Your paths." ~Proverbs 3:5-6

I will also cling to this song that talks about God casting out fear, and that we need to hold onto hope of a day when all of these troubles will fade away, but listen to this line- "But until that day comes still I will praise you." I hope that this year teaches me to be joyful in my sorrows and worries and that I will develop a more praising heart. Thanks for reading and know that I love you all so much. If you think of it please pray that I live out all of what I just said. I will leave you with the chorus to this Matt Redman song, it's such a good reminder that through every up, and every down God NEVER lets go.

"Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me"





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Forever God is Faithful
amanda
This song has been my theme song the past few weeks....

"Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems i dont know where to start
But its now i feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I dont see I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises i still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain

The only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers in brokeness
I can see that this is your will for me
Help me to know you are near"

Jeremy Camp's lyrics resonate with my heart so much. Life is full of questions, uncertainty, and pain. Yet God is still always faithful :-) I've come to decide that part of His faithfulness is trusting in Him and giving Him the chance to show us that He is faithful. A speaker at TLC said that it is easy for someone with lots of blessings to praise God and to trust in Him, but a faith that is really deep is one that can still trust in God when things are not going so hot.

I have so many questions and a desire for so many answers- yet I love how his lyrics portray a person who is so helpless. In life none of us know where to begin, and when God "slowly unwinds" the answers, we need to remember what a joy it is to experience seeing our hearts, that only He could have prepared, and how everything fits together so perfectly. Yet Jeremy Camp's honesty that even though he recognizes God's sovreignty, he still has so many struggles and doubts, but he says even in all of that, even when he cannot see, he will choose to believe. Faith is so amazing when you really think about what it means! It is so comforting to know that we can go to God absolutley broken- even when tears won't seem to stop, and your heart aches, God hears our prayers that might not even seem clear to us at the time. Jeremy Camp closes his song with a desire to know God is near. It's human nature to want to feel close to someone, to feel loved and protected, I know for sure it's something I desire, yet even though we cannot see God we can still feel His closeness if we just ask!

That's my hearts desire for tonight... to recognize that God is near. The very common verse in Matthew that says "knock and the door will be opened to you, seek and you will find, ask and it will be given to you" caught my eye tonight. I don't know if it was from the pink highlighting in my bible, but I think God wanted me to see that verse.

I don't seek Him enough, I've been struggling with a lot of things as of late. Feelings that I am not good enough, wishing I could be different... let's just say I am not happy with my self. But that's just it, I'm blaming my unhappiness with myself and my frusteration with life on God. I try and fix things on my own, yet when I constantly fall short, or wind up dissapointed I think deep down I blame God for me being so stupid. Yet every time I end up in tears because lets face it I don't understand anything, I come crawling back to God. Matthew reminded me tonight that the last few weeks especially, I have been going about life all wrong. If I'm unhappy with an aspect of myself I need to pray and ask God to help change me, not rely on what I can do, because God is the faithful one and not me... trust me or ask anyone of my close friends... I mess up ALL the time :-) Yet God is so good because He still loves me, and He has blessed me with a mom who still loves me even when I'm moody, and friends who love me even when I fall short of meeting their needs.

(Abrupt shift in thoughts here... hehe... no good transitions come to mind :-)


I have two more weeks at home, then off to BBC. I'm really struggling with a decision (that might not even be possible) to get an associates in early childhood education along with taking the youth min courses that I feel will be profitable. I've really been struggling with what I am going to do after graduating in May... I would be fine if everyone would stop asking me!!! hehe :-) but since that's not likely, I have really enjoyed working with kindergarteners this past week. And since my dream job is not likely to happen anytime soon, I thought maybe next year I can work at the daycare I have been working at as a teacher. I think it would be a good thing, and a practical thing (i know that contradicts ALL of my past posts :-) but I figure that I could get that job so that I could actually have one, and make some money cuz who knows maybe I can go to Namibia for the whole summer in 2008, I would love to go this summer, but financially that would be deemed impossible. But I guess I should just focus on today and see where God takes me from there ;-)

Who knows... all I know is that I am emotionally exhausted all of a sudden, I'm bored out of my mind on a friday night, and I can't even say I'm anxious about the next couple of weeks... I'm anxious about my entire life at this moment :-) have I mentioned yet how messed up I am? I apologize in advance to my future spouse because the only thing good in me is God, which is very good because there could be no greater thing living in such a horrible person.

But God is faithful so I am doing amazing.... when I remember that fact of course :-)
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