It's midnight and I've been trying to go to sleep for awhile now. It's just one of those nights where I have a pit in my stomach, and I can't stop thinking. Story of my life.

"What you dwell on is who you are"

~Me

I graduated from High school with Rachel Barker and she is the sweetest girl. She is Miss New Hampshire so please go vote for her here and hopefully she will be miss america! That would be so cool!

I've ran into her at a few school events that she goes to. One of the 1st grade girls in the class I work in said, "my favorite princess used to be snow white, but now it's the princess of amherst." It was the cutest thing!

So go vote for Rachel, a girl who wants to make a differece. Vote ASAP and tune in THIS Saturday, January 26 at 8 to see who wins!

So I'll admit it. I have a crush on a few actors. Michael Vartan and Matthew McConaughey are two.

But I was deeply saddened at the news of hearing one of my favorites passed away today. His big brown eyes and accent probably were what made him one of my favorites. Heath Ledger at the age of 28. My favorite scene of him ever was in 10 Things I hate about you where he sings, "Can't take my eyes off of you" from the bleachers. I'm saddened at the reasoning behind his passing as well, it saddens me when people get so depressed that they take their own life.

I'm so thankful for the hope I have in Jesus, because even though I've come to really low points where I thought far too much about suicide, my relationship with God has been the hope that has always given me a reason to want to keep living.

I had the best weekend ever.

God is stretching me so much lately. I had been feeling like a tired car battery, drained of any spiritual energy I had left, and this weekend was just the jump start I needed.

I tried new things. I played/sang a song I wrote at an open mic in front of about 100 people. I got in one of those crazy sumo suits, and also boxed Andrew with those giant boxing gloves. I had so much fun. I like when I'm brave, the feeling after is great. These experiences also help boost my confidence and make me more accepting of myself.

I had great conversations. It’s always so neat to watch how God is working in the lives of the kids. I love it. I get excited and pumped and feel so blessed that God lets me be apart of something so amazing that brings me so much joy.

The following song lyrics from Tim Hughes really stuck with me. They were powerful and such a picture of who Jesus was and who I want to be.

God of Justice, Saviour to all
Came to rescue the weak and the poor
Chose to serve and not be served

Jesus, You have called us
Freely we've received
Now freely we will give

We must go live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go

To act justly everyday
Loving mercy in everyway
Walking humbly before You God

You have shown us, what You require
Freely we've received
Now freely we will give

The ministry was very involved with the country of Haiti, so it was so neat to hear stories and learn about the work that is being done there.

The trip was just overall AMAZING! I'm so thankful for the weekend I had and the awesome group of kids I got to spend it with. I am overwhelmed by their love and support, the notes of appreciation I get and the phone calls. I am so blessed.

~I should know tomorrow about whether or not I got the OneRepublic tickets (crossing fingers)

~I should also be hearing back from Rivier soon!

~Please continue praying for my uncle, his next appt. is Feb. 4 and we should know more by then.

~I got an amazing devotional called fearless. It's 40 days looking at how to be fearless for God. I'm looking forward to having a devotional that will hopefully help me be more focused.

~Doug's 40th birthday tonight, I posted a few pics on facebook.

I have a lot on my mind. I wonder if those things that you just can't seem to shake ever do go away. Those people, those thoughts, those feelings. I really hope so.

I am SO excited for the retreat, but have been avoiding the packing. =) So now of course it's after 10 and I have nothing done except some laundry and I'm tired. hehe, so it's going to be a little more of a late night than I planned, but it will be worth it. I'm looking forward to a weekend of being with the kids, and honestly being away from life and in a more intense spiritual environment. I just feel weak and undisciplined latley and I'm hoping that some time away will help. I'm looking forward to conversations, learning more about God, and a good time.

Speaking of relationships I officially suck at them. Tonight I can't stop thinking about some of the kids I got to know in PA near school as well as the winter retreat I've helped out with the past two winters. I'm so bad at keeping in touch. I still need to write my TLC girls an e-mail I haven't written yet. It's hard enough keeping up with the relationships right here, friends, family, youth group kids... then I have work friends... college friends... I guess having a lot of people in your life is not a bad dilemma, but I find it's one of those things I guilt trip and put pressure on myself about.

I'm finding myself fighting the "you're worthless, you're stupid, you're ugly, fat, a loser..." (i think you all get the picture) voices inside my head the past few days. I just wish I could conquer all of that once and for all. I'm so sick of what I think about myself holding me back from all the amazing things I could be doing. I wish I knew what the miracle cure was.

I've been really anxious latley too. Trying to figure out how school will all work out, wondering if not being able to find my passport is a sign about this summer. Everything is so exciting yet at the same time I can't stop fretting over details and to do lists in my head.

I need to learn how to handle life better.

Here's Me: Something bad enters Amanda world, she shuts down, gets really scared, cries, mopes, looks everywhere for a solution, realizes she's been ignoring God and that He is always the solution, turns to God, cries again, things look brighter...

... and the whole cycle starts all over again.

I need faith. I need a without wavering faith. But most of all I just need God.

Thanks for listening to my thoughts. I always wonder if I should bother writing out some of the same old things, but this is how I feel. Some days I feel broken, some days I feel like I can make it, and tonight is just one of those nights where I'm drained emotionally. Where I realize how I am nothing, God is everything, and how I fail so miserably in serving Him. But it is my heart's desire to be loving and serve Him. But I know deep down that the way I feel about myself will always interfere with my relationship with the God who created me.

Lord please help me to see myself as you see me. Special, unique, gifted, and most of all loved.


"Jesus, You are the only One
whose love is never failing
Creator of my life
You're here and that's not changing"


So with all of that I'm off to pack and go to sleep. The day is new tomorrow, and I am new as well. My chains are gone, I've been set free. My God my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood His mercy reigns. Unending love, amazing grace.

"Oh Crap, Oh Crap, Oh Crap," must have come out of my mouth a million times in those few seconds. I don't think that I have ever said that phrase so much in such a short time.

It was the ice's fault. I was driving into the church and was parking when all of a sudden the kiaguar started going in a slightly different direction than where I was turning the wheel. In those few seconds it felt like forever as I knew what was going to happen. The breaks were being worthless, there was nothing I could do. So at a very slow speed of under 5 mph I made contact with the back of lisa's gorgeous car. I'm pretty sure I was having a heart attack. I felt like such an idiot and was petrified to see if I hurt her car and secretly was hoping that none of the kids saw the scene (they didn't... my ego is still in tact.) Andrew was my passenger, I'm not quite sure what was going through his mind at the moment, but he didn't seem to be as affected as I.

Then it was time for the fateful moment. I had to go tell lisa. I walked into the kitchen and apparently my face said it all. I told her what happened, and she later told me she was trying not to laugh. So we went out to assess the damage, and praise God, after a quick check the lisamobile and the kiaguar were announced both safe and unarmed.

I guess for my first and hopefully never again car accident that it all worked out in the end. But I'm pretty sure I am going to have a new phobia of parking for the rest of the winter...

My Uncle is going in for more testing tomorrow. Friday night he got some blood work back that the doctor's thought might have been a mistake, but after retesting they knew it wasn't. The doctor's are 95% sure my uncle has a form of Lukemia :-(

The news was devestating and shocking as what went from a normal checkup turned into a nightmare. So just pray for my family. My mom is going with him tomorrow, and we should know the definite results by then.

Tonight's Youth Group was awesome. It was one of those reminder nights of why I love youth ministry so much. We had an awesome game courtesy of this amazing website I stumbled upon earlier. So between watching the kids do ridiculous things like wrap eachother up in toilet paper, and being in the small group with the jr. highers and listening to the junior high boys' questions... it was so cool. It was one of those affirming/remembering what youth ministry is all about nights. I love it =)

Then we watched one of the Nooma videos. I felt like God was talking to me. I have felt so frusterated lately in the fact that I feel like I fail so often. How easy it is for me to stumble or mess up. I know it goes back to not spending time with God. But one of the lines was reminding us that God chose us. God chose us because He believes in us. It was so cool to think of that. As he said, he always thinks of believing in God, but never the other way around. God chose us because He knows we can do His will and He believes in us. That is just such an example of love to me. I am so self concious and insecure most of the time, and just hearing that God believes in me, when I so often feel like a failure meant everything tonight.

PS: I watched a couple of black and white detective movies (nancy drew!!! <3 ) and am now addicted to spider solitaire.

That's what happens when you think too much like me. Sleep doesn't always come so easily.

I'm struck tonight with the thought of how quickly everything can change. The plan or the events of a day can completley turn into something else in a matter of hours. It's a reminder to take nothing for granted and hold your loved ones dear. It's a reminder that we are guarenteed nothing, that we have the current moment we are living in and that is all. So we better make it the best moment we can. It's like my quote, "Life is a Journey, Seize Every Moment." Today was one of those reminder days for me. It turned out to be a very difficult day with really hard news, but I will write about it next week when we know more.

Just so you all know I'm excited about life right now. Anxious to get going on my next steps, and overwhelmed at all the possibilities and work ahead of me. But I need to take a deep breath and remember that all I have is the now. But it's fun to reach towards some dreams and goals.

I'm not accepted yet, but it appears that night classes in March at Rivier is in my future. I got my Clep Test study guide book today, and my goal is to CLEP out of US History, College Algebra, Chemistry, and Bio. It's a tall order, but that's the goal. I hit up staples last night, they gave me a teacher's rewards card =) and I bought a bunch of index cards for the many nights of studying ahead to hopefully pass these exams as it will save a lot of time and money. The way the road looks is having my Bachelor's within 2 1/2 years, but you know me, I like to get things done faster =) This would also include a semester of Student Teaching which scares the life out of me, but I don't have to think about that for awhile. I started writing my book, I only have a page and a half so far, but it's a start. Some of my music is in the recording works. Plans for the license plate are in March. I'm learning to enjoy this phase of uncertainty. It gets to me at times, but I'm excited about the possibilities now instead of avoiding and being scared to death of change. Things happen as they happen, and I need to enjoy and trust God for what He has planned. I'm just thankful that He has brought me this far, that I enjoy my life again and that depression hasn't been consuming my mind like it had been.

But with all of these changes it's easy to not spend time with God. I've been struggling with that lately. Coming to the end of a day and realizing that my prayer life had been pretty minimal and bible reading none. It was so much easier at Bible College =) The Balance of life is hard. I'm trying to balance work, friends, working out, youth group, family, and pretty soon school! But it's good for me. I really have been feeling like I'm growing up, becoming more responsible and learning all of those adult things.

Yet in that Balance God seems to be the last on the list that I get to... when the reality is He should be in everything. You don't compartmentalize when it comes to God. I hope to be more concious of that.

Well it's 1:23. A twenty minute post... not too bad.

goodnight <3

I have no idea what the rest of my life will hold. I don't know how long I have left, what events might occur, or if I'll work at anything I'm about to write.

All I know is that God is so cool. I'm in a job I never thought I would have, or thought I would be good at. Yet a little boy, and lots of learning have made me absolutley fall in love with the field of special education. I'm not sure if I want to teach, or I have dreams of going over to Namibia or another foreign country for a longer time period of time to help with the special education efforts, or maybe continue with what I'm doing now. And who knows, maybe I'll end up doing all three.

But I want to be prepared.

I think I'm going back to school. Yes, it's me and I really did say that. The girl who has been against going back to school really wants to. So I've been pulling paperwork together, and I have an appointment tomorrow at 4:30 so please pray. Not sure if I will be able to start taking night classes this semester, but I can start preparing for the fall. Yes, this means more loans... yes it means homework, but it also means oppurtunity. I want to get my Bachelor's in special education, and then who knows, maybe I'll even go for my master's which I heard is a short (and very intensive program). But I think it's the best decision. 1) It will help me get paid more, and for the girl who doesn't want to live at home for the rest of her life this is VERY appealing. 2) I would be able to teach and have more job oppurtunities. 3) And probably the most important, I will be more knowledgeable and prepared for whatever comes my way.

So I want to help change the world, and I think spending some more time refining my passions, and learning, and figuring myself out some more will be a very good thing.

I've been doing some research on special education and oppurtunities overseas. It looks like education has many venues, as does youth ministry so I looked up both. And Namibia made the list, I could go teach for Nan :-)

www.sim.org/index.php/career/education

www.sim.org/index.php/career/children-and-youth

This last link absolutley breaks my heart. I want to help. There is little to nothing happening in Africa in regards to special education. In my research I came across very few stories of missionaries involved in this effort. So it's definetley something that's been on my mind and heart a lot.

http://www.africaspromise.org/special_school.html

So this dream is probably one of the most important. I want to use my gifts and abilities, passions and desires, to serve God to make a difference.

hehe... someday... :-)

I love Music. Music relates so well to my emotions. There's good driving music that's happy and perfect for a sunshiney day. There's music for meditation, for when I'm angry, for when I'm sad, anxious, depressed, excited... There's rock, country, rap, instrumental, worship music, Three Chords... :-)

But not only do I like to listen, dance to, and watch musicians play, I like to create music too. My dream is to be able to have the confidence and get better at the geetar to play at some open mics (with my fellow band member jimmy). We've been recording some stuff (songs I've written) and it's exciting. I actually wrote a new song the other night. I love being able to create music. One of the coolest experiences for me was dorm life. The girls in my dorm loved my music, and when I would play they would sing along to the songs I had written. I tell you there is no cooler feeling than seeing other people singing along to the words you have put together, and for me I always seem to write songs during hard times. So to see those girls relating to the emotion and everything that went behind those songs to create them is just so stinkin cool.

So I guess my dream is that I would be brave enough to share my love for music with others and maybe touch some lives through it. But some dreams you have to work for, so.... :-) more confidence, guitar lessons, and learning to not feel like I'm going to throw up everytime before I play a song for an audience... hehe :-)

For the next few days, I want to make posts about my dreams. I actually started a post tonight that was perfect material to be apart of the book I want to write someday. So yeah my first dream is I want to publish a book, and I started writing it tonight :-) It's really fun to come up with chapter titles, and to just remember details of points in my life. It's going to be about my story... the good, the bad, the lessons, and the God that was with me in every step... even when I couldn't see it. I don't know if an almost 21 year old has enough knowledge to publish a book anytime soon, but I'm gonna work at it.

So dream #1... God's given me a desire to write. Whether in my journal, songs, personal essays for school. So we'll see what happens.

PS: The reason for tonight's post and the next few to follow, are because God has been changing me and I want to share it. A couple of months ago I was blogging about how pointless dreams are, and how I don't believe in them. Praise God that I'm dreaming again, and that I'm beginning to have enough hope that my dreams are possible.

Here's what I wrote back in the beginning of September:

I've been thinking a lot about the whole dream question. I had an amazing talk with Pastor Darin about dreams last week.

I'm trying to change my view of them... I guess I have a very cynical view of dreams at the moment. Here it is... Why dream? Because dreaming only gets your hopes up about something that might never happen. Wow. Seeing that in writing makes me sound like I'm lacking a lot of hope. So I guess I'm LEARNING to dream. I think I get scared to dream because I tend to hold too tightly to them, because when I want something, I want it.

Something Pastor Darin said that has stuck with me... "Sometimes it's not the dream that's wrong, it's just the details you have planned." <-or something to that effect. It just struck me.

Trusting in God... Okay, ready for the honest Amanda? I'm struggling with this. I'm refiguring out what my dreams are, and figuring out what God's plans are. But I really think that God gives us the passions and desires that we each have to be able to dream and use them for His glory.
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So Praise God that I've been moving away from the "why dream?" camp and more on the side of what I had written in my last sentence. That God gives us passions and desires to have dreams so we could use them for His glory.

Goodnight and sweet dreams ;-)

New Year. New song. Fresh starts and beginnings. New outlooks. New Changes. New conversations. New people. New experiences. New life lessons.

... And hopefully me making some changes for the better.