I've been hearing that over and over again. I have accepted that life is difficult and I believe that God is in control. I am almost 100% sure He loves me and that He allows things to happen to those He loves because in some weird, crazy way it brings me closer to Him and glorifies Him. I think I've been over my being angry and running away from God phase for a little bit now, and it feels like a huge weight is lifted. But just because there isn't as much anger and fear, there is still pain. A lot of it. And it tends to hit me when I least expect it. Like tonight, so many things assaulting my mind so quickly that I just shut down. I go into this self preservation mode where I just cry and want to escape any people around me. People tend to ask too many questions before I'm ready for them.
Tears were spilling down my face as I listened to lyrics of songs that talked about pain and hurt. I just don't understand why people are so... awful. I don't understand why I have to be holding my mom's hand because Christmas doesn't bring "merriment" because now it feels to all of us to signify the end of what she thought was a beginning. I don't understand why things keep coming and coming. But there are so many real life stories of people who went through awful things, like we heard tonight, and they are capable of doing great things. I think that somehow pain brings beauty in the end. Although most of the time I feel anything but beautiful.
Tonight just reminded me all the more that I just wish I could feel God like I do a friend. I know God is always there. I know I can pray to Him and read my bible and spend time with Him. But what does it mean for God to be your everything. What does that mean when all I want is for someone to walk through my mess of a life with me, remind me that things will be okay. Why do I always want something that God can fill, or is it maybe deep down I feel He can't fill that spot? I just for once, want to feel taken care of. I want to be held, I want to have someone do little things throughout the day to make me smile. My whole life has been spent trying to take care of others. It brings me joy, I love to encourage people and help others.
I guess I'm just feeling selfish tonight. I'm just trying so hard to let God be the one to comfort me, but sometimes I just wish I could physically feel His presence. I just wish I could honestly say that God meets all my needs, so then why do I still feel so empty sometimes and like something is missing?
Tears were spilling down my face as I listened to lyrics of songs that talked about pain and hurt. I just don't understand why people are so... awful. I don't understand why I have to be holding my mom's hand because Christmas doesn't bring "merriment" because now it feels to all of us to signify the end of what she thought was a beginning. I don't understand why things keep coming and coming. But there are so many real life stories of people who went through awful things, like we heard tonight, and they are capable of doing great things. I think that somehow pain brings beauty in the end. Although most of the time I feel anything but beautiful.
Tonight just reminded me all the more that I just wish I could feel God like I do a friend. I know God is always there. I know I can pray to Him and read my bible and spend time with Him. But what does it mean for God to be your everything. What does that mean when all I want is for someone to walk through my mess of a life with me, remind me that things will be okay. Why do I always want something that God can fill, or is it maybe deep down I feel He can't fill that spot? I just for once, want to feel taken care of. I want to be held, I want to have someone do little things throughout the day to make me smile. My whole life has been spent trying to take care of others. It brings me joy, I love to encourage people and help others.
I guess I'm just feeling selfish tonight. I'm just trying so hard to let God be the one to comfort me, but sometimes I just wish I could physically feel His presence. I just wish I could honestly say that God meets all my needs, so then why do I still feel so empty sometimes and like something is missing?
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