My heart feels so burdened tonight. I'm hurting for my brother, for my mom. From recent tests it was found that Andrew's epilepsy has now spread throughout his entire brain instead of the spot it was before. He has also been having some weird dizzy spells this week, which we assumed were side effects from his new meds but the doctors don't think so. So we are off to the emergency room at Children's tomorrow. I just feel scared.
God says not to be afraid, that He is with us. I know that and I do know He is there, I just miss the closeness I once felt with Him, where I felt I knew Him. I miss feeling genuine in my faith where I felt an overflow out of my heart instead of feeling like I have to force it. I know God knows me better than anyone else, and I believe He loves me even though I don't understand why. I just want to be true and pure and set apart and sincere. I want Jesus to be what I live for. I just wish I could feel it. I know that God doesn't change when my emotions do. But does anyone ever feel like this whole faith thing is crazy? That this whole story, that there is a heaven, that Jesus is alive, that when I confessed with my mouth and believed with my whole heart almost 8 years ago, that the wrath of God was replaced with love and forgiveness... doesn't it sound crazy? Praise God that just because my heart is confused and unsure it doesn't change who God is and what I believe. I think that faith is believing when you can't see, through the doubt and uncertainties. Continuing to struggle and fight and hold on when everything is screaming at you to just give up.
Sometimes I wonder why it feels like it's just one big thing after another. Why my family has had to go through so much. All I know is I don't know. But I don't feel anger, I just feel tired. I just pray that God would grow my faith to trust in Him. I'm not sure what they will say tomorrow, and who knows maybe the tests will reveal some good news, but I just hope we would seek Him no matter what they say. Please pray for my family.
"You are my strength when I am weak,
You are the treasure that I seek,
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all."
God says not to be afraid, that He is with us. I know that and I do know He is there, I just miss the closeness I once felt with Him, where I felt I knew Him. I miss feeling genuine in my faith where I felt an overflow out of my heart instead of feeling like I have to force it. I know God knows me better than anyone else, and I believe He loves me even though I don't understand why. I just want to be true and pure and set apart and sincere. I want Jesus to be what I live for. I just wish I could feel it. I know that God doesn't change when my emotions do. But does anyone ever feel like this whole faith thing is crazy? That this whole story, that there is a heaven, that Jesus is alive, that when I confessed with my mouth and believed with my whole heart almost 8 years ago, that the wrath of God was replaced with love and forgiveness... doesn't it sound crazy? Praise God that just because my heart is confused and unsure it doesn't change who God is and what I believe. I think that faith is believing when you can't see, through the doubt and uncertainties. Continuing to struggle and fight and hold on when everything is screaming at you to just give up.
Sometimes I wonder why it feels like it's just one big thing after another. Why my family has had to go through so much. All I know is I don't know. But I don't feel anger, I just feel tired. I just pray that God would grow my faith to trust in Him. I'm not sure what they will say tomorrow, and who knows maybe the tests will reveal some good news, but I just hope we would seek Him no matter what they say. Please pray for my family.
"You are my strength when I am weak,
You are the treasure that I seek,
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all."
Posts
Great post. Praying about what God will do with all of this.