I have a lot on my mind. I wonder if those things that you just can't seem to shake ever do go away. Those people, those thoughts, those feelings. I really hope so.

I am SO excited for the retreat, but have been avoiding the packing. =) So now of course it's after 10 and I have nothing done except some laundry and I'm tired. hehe, so it's going to be a little more of a late night than I planned, but it will be worth it. I'm looking forward to a weekend of being with the kids, and honestly being away from life and in a more intense spiritual environment. I just feel weak and undisciplined latley and I'm hoping that some time away will help. I'm looking forward to conversations, learning more about God, and a good time.

Speaking of relationships I officially suck at them. Tonight I can't stop thinking about some of the kids I got to know in PA near school as well as the winter retreat I've helped out with the past two winters. I'm so bad at keeping in touch. I still need to write my TLC girls an e-mail I haven't written yet. It's hard enough keeping up with the relationships right here, friends, family, youth group kids... then I have work friends... college friends... I guess having a lot of people in your life is not a bad dilemma, but I find it's one of those things I guilt trip and put pressure on myself about.

I'm finding myself fighting the "you're worthless, you're stupid, you're ugly, fat, a loser..." (i think you all get the picture) voices inside my head the past few days. I just wish I could conquer all of that once and for all. I'm so sick of what I think about myself holding me back from all the amazing things I could be doing. I wish I knew what the miracle cure was.

I've been really anxious latley too. Trying to figure out how school will all work out, wondering if not being able to find my passport is a sign about this summer. Everything is so exciting yet at the same time I can't stop fretting over details and to do lists in my head.

I need to learn how to handle life better.

Here's Me: Something bad enters Amanda world, she shuts down, gets really scared, cries, mopes, looks everywhere for a solution, realizes she's been ignoring God and that He is always the solution, turns to God, cries again, things look brighter...

... and the whole cycle starts all over again.

I need faith. I need a without wavering faith. But most of all I just need God.

Thanks for listening to my thoughts. I always wonder if I should bother writing out some of the same old things, but this is how I feel. Some days I feel broken, some days I feel like I can make it, and tonight is just one of those nights where I'm drained emotionally. Where I realize how I am nothing, God is everything, and how I fail so miserably in serving Him. But it is my heart's desire to be loving and serve Him. But I know deep down that the way I feel about myself will always interfere with my relationship with the God who created me.

Lord please help me to see myself as you see me. Special, unique, gifted, and most of all loved.


"Jesus, You are the only One
whose love is never failing
Creator of my life
You're here and that's not changing"


So with all of that I'm off to pack and go to sleep. The day is new tomorrow, and I am new as well. My chains are gone, I've been set free. My God my Savior has ransomed me. And like a flood His mercy reigns. Unending love, amazing grace.