June 28, 2004 (Just turned 17, right before my first trip to Namibia)

I'm not sure how I'm feeling at this moment. It's weird but the sense of piece I felt in my last entry is something I'm not really feeling right now. I really like this journal and I'm glad Lisa got it for me. She said she thought of me when she saw it, and she thought it would be good for when I go to Namibia to record my thoughts and things I learn. I'm leaving in exactly one month tomorrow. I'm having mixed feelings about the whole thing though. I am very excited and I know this trip will have a huge impact in my life. I guess I'm just worried at what those changes might be. I trust God with everything... it's just that I've never liked change, it's scary and new. Changes in my life have been good in the past once I adjust... it's just hard at first.

June 29, 2004

In my first entry I mentioned the book "Wild at Heart" and how some of the things had hit me. One of the things that touched my heart is when he says that in every "beauty" there is a desire to be rescued, and in every "knight" there is a desire to rescue the "beauty." He also states that some other desires of a woman is for her to know if she is lovely or worth pursuing. These two hit me so hard because next he ties these to "father wounds." He says there are two ways a father can cripple his daughter, if he is abusive or passive. Unfortunetly, I've had to deal with both. I guess that scares me because those are the desires of my heart... The only father that has said I am worth it and I am lovely is God. I know it's enough, I just know I missed out on something big, and it's a constant reminder espcially when I see Pastor Darin and his girls. Even though I've tried to push those feelings away... I really wish I had had an earthly father who made me feel like I live up to God's answers. Instead, even now I feel ashamed, guilty, dirty and unloved. Alot of people don't understand why I still feel this way but at times I do. It's weird but lately I keep thinking about marriage. It's something I want more than anything. I guess I just want the chance to feel a man love and protect me, and I want someone to cuddle with and to share my dreams. I want to marry a knight... I want someone who is willing to fight for me. I want someone who loves God more than me, and I want to know that I am lovely and worth fighting for. I love you God.
<3 always, Mandy

Picture- Did you notice that I changed the once scenery picture to a cool picture I took of my flip flops a couple months ago?

Music- I added my playlist from myspace to my blog! =) The first song on the playlist is one of my new favorites. I heard it for the first time at MCC last Sunday when I visited. It's a beautiful song.

Who I was, has made who I am- The title (at least for now) of a new segment I am going to be adding to my blog. I will be posting at least once a week from journals of my past. I have found myself reading back through entries I wrote even as early as thirteen and it's neat to look back on and remember all that God was doing. And possibly even see how some of my readers have made an impact in my life, dun dun dun.

What does this mean?!?- I hope to start posting every now and again about confusing topics in the bible that may be controversial. Or maybe bringing up questions that I always don't know how to answer when explaining my faith to others. I'm hoping that through this segment that I will continue learning.

Imprint of the week- I hope to post weekly about something that left an imprint on my heart. A conversation, song lyrics, verse, quote, picture... you get the idea.

I hope that by posting some regular segments (I'm copying Pastor Darin, hehe) that I can get more of a hold on this whole blogging world that I'm really coming to love and enjoy!


Thanks for reading! =)

"There is no place in all the world You do not call Your own.
Creator of all peoples every, nation every tongue.
From every corner of the earth, boundless is Your reign.
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, hear us sing Your praise.

We Your people call to You, asking for Your help.
God be merciful to those whose pain we�ve never felt.
Give them rest from worldly sorrow,
Bless them Lord with food to eat.
We ask You, Gentle Shepherd call,
The ones that are Your sheep.

All seeing Lord now look to those in city and in field,
Who seek to spread Your fame and love,
this broken world to heal.
See Your persecuted children, soothe their violent wounds.
In their weakness be their strength, that they might hope in You.

Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, may Your kingdom come
In all the earth as it is in heaven, may Your will be done.
In all the world in all our hearts, Jesus You are King.
We wait, we hope, we trust, we know,
Your face we soon shall see."
~Josh Bales

The sun sets delicatley, but with bursts of color. This is still only a backdrop to the beauty of what is before me. Children run in the streets, laughing and smiling, playing together. One community but on their own seperate journeys to what they call home before it gets too dark. I smile, thinking that I am so blessed to have been able to spend the day with them. A chill begins to form in the air as the brilliant pinks and purples on one side, and the golds and reds on the other all blend into navy. The darkening of the sky is only a preperation for something grander. Shimmering lights, none of which are the same, begin to appear. Ready to shine brightly throughout the evening, making their entrance into what could have been nothing but darkness. Some locals walk past me, as I try to continue on my way as well, trying not to trip over my own feet for I cannot help but look up. I start to wonder if I could ever get so used to this sight as to just walk past it? I decide that it would be impossible, and continue my efforts to both gaze into the heavens and methodically move my feet forward.
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Every trip to Namibia is so different. Watching it through the eyes of those who have never been before is a learning experience. I observe a 23 year old dancer, her blonde hair moving to the rythym of her dance, but her radiant smile never leaves her face. A young man stands before a crowd to share his gift of music, but it's not the great sound of his guitar or voice that stand out. It's his goofy smile and dancing and love in his eyes for the children in the audience that's memorable. My heart smiles watching two of my youth group kids growing and learning, and serving their God in a way that's meaningful to them. Watching my beautiful friend who has been through so much, come out of her shell and for the first time seeing true joy and purpose in her smile as she gives of herself to those around her. As always I see change and love, and that moment when eyes are opened to the realization that this life is so much bigger than us.
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Many smiles are before me, but this time it's different. A generation of people I have never spent time with in Namibia. Wrinkles on faces and hands, and bodies that at their ages should look worn and weathered, but instead are still bursting with life and energy. I am stunned by how appreciative they are, and it begins to sink in that recognition is not in their lifestyle. I am priveledged to spend time with this group. The hard workers, the ones that take care of the children in the community, and all without trying to get something out of it. I am before the humble and selfless, and I am filled with love for them. They sing and dance with smiles that show years of life experience, but more importantly a desire to truly live with nothing holding them back.
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"I love to dance," he says to the three guests in his living room. This man in his seventies keeps us laughing the entire length of our visit. All that runs through my mind is that this is a true depiction of joy. Loving with all of his being. A great husband, and caretaker to all of the children in his home. In that short length of time I see what a great man of God looks like.
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We are finally allowed to leave the room and see what the boys have been up to the past couple of hours. I nearly fall over when I see a table with roses and candles. Such time and love was placed into this event that they were so looking forward to. We sit down and are served wine and a delicious meal. In this moment I feel more special than I ever have in my whole life. Tears won't stop running as I try to put into words and explain what I'm feeling to the concerned pairs of eyes looking at me from around the table. I share that no man has ever put this much effort into making me feel special. That I am overwhelmed because I felt so loved and appreciated, and I realized that God desires to sweep me off my feet like this. That when I see a sunset or the stars that they are love letters from His heart to mine. I continue to twirl my rose, and even though tears continue to fall, I smile.
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I am pouring my heart out as the group of about 15, eleventh grade girls stare wide eyed at me, holding onto my every word. In that hour I speak about life. I share my past and about the God that has brought me through it all. I cannot contain my passion to encourage and stir the souls inside each of these beautiful girls that God loves so greatly. I wish they could see what I see. The potential, and all the great things they could do if they hang on and don't give up. We share tears and laughter together, gripe about boys, and share our fears. I always get asked why I keep coming back to Namibia. What an easy question. "Because I love you," I say.
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One of my greatest vices is that I am so self concious and worry about what others think. All of that dissapated when my dear friend and I each put in an earbud, and the first notes of "Can you feel the mountains tremble" begins to play. I feel free as I sing at the top of my lungs and dance like an idiot. Quite the contrast to the beautiful ocean in front of me. My smile could not stop even if I focused really hard. A moment of true joy in realizing that God is real, He loves me, and I'm going to live for Him and praise Him with everything in my being.
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It's the last day in Arandis. My heart literally hurts as I glance around the congregation worshipping. It's hard to leave a place before you feel you're ready to, but experience has taught me that it's not goodbye, it's "see you soon." My eyes lock across the room with those dark brown, almost black eyes of a certain seven year old. Tears stream down my face as my mind drifts to moments imprinted in my mind and heart. Memories of hugs, smiles, and conversations I've had the past week with a child I met five years ago. At the end of the service, I chase him around the building because he won't come over to me. Finally I pick him up and hold him tight. He runs off again but quickly comes back. I hold him somehow tighter than I did before not wanting to let go. It's moments like this where the desire to pour your heart out wins. So I tell him I'm never going to let go. He just smiles and I tell him I love him and that I'm going to miss him greatly. He once again slips out of my grip and goes to play with his friends. I walk around aimlessly. I cry harder with each conversation I have following that interaction. I have to let go of so many; JP, Marcus, Cyprian, Elaine, Pearl, Chandre, and so many others desperate for a hug. After it's over I stand with my back to the stage staring blurry-eyed over the crowd. I watch the members of my team hold on tightly, each surrounded by children who don't want to let go, but more importantly they don't want to let go either. I suddenly start to feel very alone when little arms from above wrap around me. I take one last look into those deep eyes, and observe that a look of seriousness has taken over the cute, little face before me. He says, "I'm going to miss you too," and then he runs off for the last time.

Trip number 5 is just about to begin.

I'm realizing this year, or understanding more, how hard this trip is for my family especially my mom. It's so hard to let go of the things you love.

Last night, I couldn't find the pillow case I've brought on every trip with me. It's the one thing I know of that I have that was given to me while my mom and dad were still married. It's a source of comfort and home for me. Last night I was also going through an old box of pictures from when my mom and dad were still married and when I was a baby. Needless to say I spent last night bawling my eyes out thinking about how life could have been different, and how I wish I could remember what it was like to have both mom and dad at home. The thought of leaving without the pillow case and certain pictures was too much for me. Because it's a way to bring my mom and dad with me. Yet how much more difficult is it for them to watch me go, which I have done to them for the past four years, and now as of today a fifth year.

Love is by far the most amazing thing, and the most painful thing. Because it hurts like none other leaving those you love behind.

So mommy and daddy I love you both very much, and I know this is hard to watch me go across the world but it's what God wants me to do. I will see you soon. Love you!

Amanda


PS: I found my pillow case, God is oh so GOOD! So now I'm ready to go to Africa. Which is where I will be till July 16th, and will be home the 18th. I'm very excited to be sharing this trip with the people who are going. We have some returning dancers and also some first timers who I am very excited to get to know! So check out the blog and leave some comments.

Namibia 2008 Blogspot