June 28, 2004 (Just turned 17, right before my first trip to Namibia)
I'm not sure how I'm feeling at this moment. It's weird but the sense of piece I felt in my last entry is something I'm not really feeling right now. I really like this journal and I'm glad Lisa got it for me. She said she thought of me when she saw it, and she thought it would be good for when I go to Namibia to record my thoughts and things I learn. I'm leaving in exactly one month tomorrow. I'm having mixed feelings about the whole thing though. I am very excited and I know this trip will have a huge impact in my life. I guess I'm just worried at what those changes might be. I trust God with everything... it's just that I've never liked change, it's scary and new. Changes in my life have been good in the past once I adjust... it's just hard at first.
June 29, 2004
In my first entry I mentioned the book "Wild at Heart" and how some of the things had hit me. One of the things that touched my heart is when he says that in every "beauty" there is a desire to be rescued, and in every "knight" there is a desire to rescue the "beauty." He also states that some other desires of a woman is for her to know if she is lovely or worth pursuing. These two hit me so hard because next he ties these to "father wounds." He says there are two ways a father can cripple his daughter, if he is abusive or passive. Unfortunetly, I've had to deal with both. I guess that scares me because those are the desires of my heart... The only father that has said I am worth it and I am lovely is God. I know it's enough, I just know I missed out on something big, and it's a constant reminder espcially when I see Pastor Darin and his girls. Even though I've tried to push those feelings away... I really wish I had had an earthly father who made me feel like I live up to God's answers. Instead, even now I feel ashamed, guilty, dirty and unloved. Alot of people don't understand why I still feel this way but at times I do. It's weird but lately I keep thinking about marriage. It's something I want more than anything. I guess I just want the chance to feel a man love and protect me, and I want someone to cuddle with and to share my dreams. I want to marry a knight... I want someone who is willing to fight for me. I want someone who loves God more than me, and I want to know that I am lovely and worth fighting for. I love you God.
<3 always, Mandy
I'm not sure how I'm feeling at this moment. It's weird but the sense of piece I felt in my last entry is something I'm not really feeling right now. I really like this journal and I'm glad Lisa got it for me. She said she thought of me when she saw it, and she thought it would be good for when I go to Namibia to record my thoughts and things I learn. I'm leaving in exactly one month tomorrow. I'm having mixed feelings about the whole thing though. I am very excited and I know this trip will have a huge impact in my life. I guess I'm just worried at what those changes might be. I trust God with everything... it's just that I've never liked change, it's scary and new. Changes in my life have been good in the past once I adjust... it's just hard at first.
June 29, 2004
In my first entry I mentioned the book "Wild at Heart" and how some of the things had hit me. One of the things that touched my heart is when he says that in every "beauty" there is a desire to be rescued, and in every "knight" there is a desire to rescue the "beauty." He also states that some other desires of a woman is for her to know if she is lovely or worth pursuing. These two hit me so hard because next he ties these to "father wounds." He says there are two ways a father can cripple his daughter, if he is abusive or passive. Unfortunetly, I've had to deal with both. I guess that scares me because those are the desires of my heart... The only father that has said I am worth it and I am lovely is God. I know it's enough, I just know I missed out on something big, and it's a constant reminder espcially when I see Pastor Darin and his girls. Even though I've tried to push those feelings away... I really wish I had had an earthly father who made me feel like I live up to God's answers. Instead, even now I feel ashamed, guilty, dirty and unloved. Alot of people don't understand why I still feel this way but at times I do. It's weird but lately I keep thinking about marriage. It's something I want more than anything. I guess I just want the chance to feel a man love and protect me, and I want someone to cuddle with and to share my dreams. I want to marry a knight... I want someone who is willing to fight for me. I want someone who loves God more than me, and I want to know that I am lovely and worth fighting for. I love you God.
<3 always, Mandy
Posts
hey girl!
I love you... I understand the father wounds... my dad was passive and out of my life for most of it. God prepares and changes things in ways that you can never imagine. after the death of my mom; my father & I have become a lot closer... he stepped up instantly. just know that His word is true, but there can be a lot of pain in getting there. God has called you for a purpose... a beautiful purpose, and I pray that He takes less time to show you than He has me... but I do see it and it's more and more beautiful everyday... a short time ago... I may not have said that, but have held onto the hope that He is faithful and now today I know it holds true.
Love ~G
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
~Romans 8:28
Amanda,
Thanks for your courage in sharing these heart-rending journal entries.
Wild at Heart really spoke to me as a man. I was raised to be good. To perform but not to risk.
There are so many ways we can be crippled... I pray for you as I pray for my own daughters, that their warrior princes will find them, will not be passive but bold and wild.
It's a scary prayer for a dad, because I also pray that you and my daughters will be protected from the pain of your beauty being misused.
But for you, for G, and for my two girls, may God richly supply that wonderful man of which you dream.
Dave
Thanks Dave, that means a lot to me. Especially because I've given up hope in that department. I've decided maybe some things are better left not hoping for. I'm not saying nothing will ever happen, I'm just not going to hold my breath. The men in my life continue to be real winners, especially lately.
So prayer would be great. I miss our conversations!
And yeah, you are probably gonna have your hands full with your daughters... haha. Better start getting into itimidating dad mode for all the boys showing up at your door.