...all my fears and failures.

So speaking of failures. Talk about me being a walking accident. My brother SJ, (aka. stevo, steve, tall one, etc) was walking so fast and I was trying to keep up with him. On the way to the parking lot we saw a wild turkey with her babies (SO CUTE), but this was the weirdest turkey I had ever laid eyes on. It had super jumping powers and was trying to attack a squirrel. It was awesome :-) Anyways, back to the walking. My knee has been bothering me for over a week and we approached some stairs. Well my brother climbed the set of stairs faster than a junior higher on red bull, and I decided I would try and take the stairs two at a time like he was to test out my knee. So yes, I ended up falling UP the stairs (I'm known to do this pretty often.) But I hit my foot instead of my knee.

Then we went to the world famous mall cop mall. SJ bought me a new red sox hat which was sweet, so we are all ready to go to the red sox game in a couple of weeks!

Now I'm on my comfy hospital cot, which suprisingly is starting to feel like home because it's familiar. My homework still is not all the way finished and the goal is to attack it now. I also might be going on a road trip tomorrow depending on how my mom is feeling. :) Gotta date to go check out a truck.

Well my hyperness at the beginning of my post is quickly fading so I leave you with this...

"So I pray that God, who gives you hope, will keep you happy and full of peace as you believe in Him. May you overflow with hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

Hope has always been difficult for me, because when I hope I tend to get hurt. Sometimes it's because I've hoped in the wrong thing, and other times it's been because things just don't turn out like I thought they would. But just because hoping can be painful and scary, sometimes the things most worth waiting for require taking a risk. To take that step of hope and faith, even though you might not know the outcome. My theory is that it's better to hope and have faith than to go through life expecting the worst. Because maybe sometimes things will all work out when we least expect them too. So I'm not just taking a little step into hoping, I'm gonna be a risk taker and recognize that God is with me no matter what. And that He grants us the desires of our hearts in His timing and in His way. <3

It's good to be blogging again... I guess you could say I have some extra free time on my hands, and I forgot how much I enjoy writing. So please excuse my randomness and lame sense of humor. Writing is more for me than any of you anyways. ;-) And someday when I publish my wicked sweet book you can say, "wow, I used to read her blog. Her mind was always all over the place." And I will smile and say, yeah... that's how God made me.

night night.

"Jesus I am resting, resting.
In the Joy of what thou art.
I am finding out the greatness,
of thy loving heart."

So here I am in the hospital, exhausted physically and emotionally after having to watch my mom in a great deal of pain yesterday. It was the worst I had seen her, and I'm thankful to see her looking better today. I've been trying to blog for a couple of days now, but unfortunetley our computer/tv that we've been paying for has not been working very well. However, one of the guy nursing assistants has been overly helpful today, and it's back up and running! :) And don't worry germaine especially, i will keep all the boys away from me. But I must say that men seem to make good nurses, so go kevin!

I have been having the most awful time getting all my homework done. I called my professor though and she is letting me mail all my homework to her because last night was my last night of class. So that was very nice of her and I need to get all of my assignments out today. So if you think of it pray that I can focus, my mind is in ADHD mode.

I'm just very thankful for all of the texts I've been getting saying that you all have been praying. Your love and support are very helpful when I feel somewhat alone. This experience more than ever makes my heart break for my mom as she doesn't have a husband to support her through all of this, its been a rough week, so I'm hoping that nothing else happens now that she has this drain in. Seeing my mom in so much pain makes me long for Jesus to come back so that we can all leave these sinful bodies and be apart of God's original intent. To be with Him and enjoy Him forever, in a place where there is no more pain or tears. That has been very comforting to think about.

Well, waiting to take a shower cuz the light is out in the bathroom. But my new friend is already on it. haha. just what i need, but at least my mom and I have been laughing some today. I'm sure now that this is up and running I will be on here a lot, because getting my thoughts out of my crazy head has always been helpful for me.

Ants
So sometimes I just have to laugh at the stupid, stupid things I do. My brother has been home from college for a week now, and since he's been home I've been doing nothing but cleaning up after him. :-) Haha, because you know the ten feet to put your dishes in the sink, is VERY difficult. Well yesterday I noticed he still hadn't thrown his Wendy's bag away that he left outside, so me being the nice, smart older sister I brought it in for him and threw it away. (Maybe this is the part of the story when those who are much older and wiser are shaking your heads. But I'm still young and need to learn by my own stupidity.) ;-) SJ and I were watching quite a few episodes of CSI and at one point he's like, "I've killed 3 little stupid ants!" And I said, "no way, me too!" So he goes into the kitchen... and yup you guessed it. Little ants EVERYWHERE! SJ and I began our own little exterminating adventure that ended up making the kitchen look pretty good. Nothing like bringing siblings closer than killing little obnoxious ants that are about the size of.. well they were barely there. But nonetheless, SJ and I took turns squealing because of the never ending amount of them. Words like "die!" and "Where did YOU come from?" were heard for about an hour and a half, as a bottle of Raid and cleaning supplies were used. So the moral of the story is don't clean up for your college aged brother, make him do it himself. ;-) Kidding, don't bring in trash from outside because chances are you have some new friends living in there. Thank God our friends were small.

Prayer
My mom's fever hit 101 this morning. We are heading to the hospital today to have her checked out. Her fever keeps persisting even with all of the medication she is on. Please pray that she does not have an infection, and that whatever is going on can be fixed simply.

Maybe it's because the book Messy Spirituality just came to my mind the other day, or maybe it's because I keep relearning this lesson. When I flip through my bible I've always been amazed that there have been people that could actually SEE God, or HEAR his voice, and yet they still turned away. Because for us in these times we have not physically seen God, and I've always wondered if I had been in the times where you could literally take a walk with Jesus, would I be a more faithful servant? I'm not sure I would be. I want to be, but looking back even before Jesus came, when the exiles doubted God OVER and OVER again, and they did this even though they witnessed great miracles. That David with a heart for God was an adulterer and a murderer. I'm just in awe of a God that chooses people who are nothing. He chooses people who are the "worst" sinners, He chooses people who are undeserving and completley disobedient, but then again... aren't we all?

"18For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. 19For it is written:
"I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;
the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate."[c]
20Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? 21For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. 22Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, 23but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, 24but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. 25For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

26Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. 27But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 28He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, 29so that no one may boast before him. 30It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. 31Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord." ~1 Corinthians 1:18-31

These verses touch my heart because there have been plenty of times in my life where I have felt like nothing. Where I felt like I had nothing to offer, and I had no idea why God would want such a crazy, disobedient girl who feels like she messes up all the time. It brings tears to my eyes knowing that God doesn't need me to complete His plans. He WANTS me. Even with my baggage, even with my fears, and even when I want to run away from Him. He still holds on tight.

And even after He chooses us, He still loves us when we continue to mess up. Looking through Psalms, I'm so encouraged because people like David experience deep emotions. And those of you that know me, also know that I can be juuusst a little emotional sometimes. ;-) Although, for awhile now I've stopped looking at those emotions as a bad thing. I think God made me to be a caring and loving person who feels deeply, and who thinks constantly, because I'm learning that the growing process is going on all the time. I also think He made me that way because it's a great tool in ministry. Being able to share in the journey of others as they experience life, the joys and pains, and having others get to be a part of my life is something I treasure. I'm thankful that God knew this even from the beginning. He knew Adam shouldn't be alone, so He gave him a friend... well they were a little more than friends but you get the idea. :-) God lets us experience His comfort so we can comfort others. God put his "little or mini Christs" (like jesse called us in his sermon) on earth so that we can be a reflection of Christ to others. We have God which is all we need, but that He didn't stop there because as our creator He understands the desires of our hearts, and He chose to make us relational beings. And I don't know about you, but I'm thankful I don't have to walk this journey by myself, because I think we learn and grow from one another along the way.

So when you feel unworthy or like a complete mess remember that... you probably are. BUT ("and i'd like to say that's a big Badonkadonk" ~Pastor Darin) that God wants and chooses us who are a mess, and how great of a love is that? He wants us even when we are not at our best, or feeling at the top of our ladder. He wants us from the day we take our first breath, on the days we wish we could erase, and He continues to want us no matter what we do. A love like this should transform us into obedience, and I just pray that my life would always be turning to obedience because I do mess up. But growing isn't about being perfect, it's about becoming more like the One who is perfect.

Blogging:

This is my first post in forever. You can also subscribe to my feed now which there is a link in the left hand column :-)

Music:

David Crowder Band is back in action with a new CD coming out in September! Check out their new song that I am falling in love with. The link and some of the lyrics are posted below:

David Crowder Band Myspace

"And I realize just how beautiful you are, and how great your affections are for me.....We are his portion and He is our prize, Drawn to redemtion by the grace in his eyes, If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking." ~DCB

This is my new favorite love song:




Quote:

"Good teaching comes not from behind the desk, but from behind the heart." ~Elizabeth Andrew


Homework:

...stinks


My mind is full of deep thoughts, but right now I am so tired and my bed is calling my name, so I'll share another time. Goodnight! :-)