2007!!! Wow, crazy how time flies... this month it will be 6 years since I trusted Christ as my Savior. Man has it been a journey since then. Here's a look into my heart as the new year begins.
The past year has been a hard one, I've been at BBC for a year and a half and i finish up in one more semester! :-) talk about being really excited but scared out of my mind! But looking back I think one of the hardest aspects of Bible College for me has been the fact that you are constantly given information- Information about the bible, what your relationship with Christ should look like... there has just been so much amazing, life changing information. The problem with that is I see how much change I need in my life, I see so many aspects of my life that I wish I was better at, I see so much hurt in the world around me through the many wise men that told stories as they stood up in Chapel. It's just an overwhelming amount of information to the point where I've been falling.
When I'm at school I feel at times like I'm on this standstill where I don't see growth. I have felt that my life this past year has been so surreal, that every moment I see myself acting out a motion but it feels so fake and that I'm watching myself do it and that I'm not really there. I've had a lot of doubts this past year, not really doubting the fact of God's existence because I do believe that with all of my heart. But it's been a long battle of fighting myself and my doubting of my salvation. This has been a scary experience for me because I have never struggled with that, and it's something I never thought I would struggle with. And I've really been trying to pinpoint the "source" of my doubts. I think it comes back to me. It comes back to my long term battle of insecurities and feelings of worthlessness. It's funny how you can see worth in every person around you and really try and love them like Christ would love them, yet you do the complete opposite to yourself.
To tell you the Truth I don't know how to stop that. I know a huge part of this insecurity stems from a lack of a good father figure for the majority of my life, as well as a season of being abused when I was younger, yet God has definetley provided a man in my life who has been that father figure to me, and who I love very much. God has even gone above and beyond by blessing me with other men in my life who are so protective of me that I don't know what I would do without them. Although I have a different relationship with each of them, each one has slowly been used by God as a building block to set up my foundation to have the ability to trust again. I haven't "arrived" I don't think I ever will, but I'm getting better. I know these four men know who they are, and I could never thank them enough for loving me the way Christ wants me to be loved, and that's still something I can't fully comprehend. But it helps me see more of who Christ is, instead of the hurt that I was formally used to.
But most of all I am so thankful to Christ because He still loves me despite my doubting and insecurities. He has been molding me the past six years to look more like himself, even when I fight against that. Praise God for loving me truly and completley and being patient with me because it's still going to take a little while till I will visibly be comfortable with who He created me to be.
My mom bought me a book for Christmas called, "His Princess, Love Letters from your King." This book has been a life changing one for me, and I have been reading a love letter or two everyday, and each one touches my heart and my struggles so close to home I usually find myself in tears. God's love for me is so overwhelming, and it's hard for me to accept love because I know how undeserving I am and how I have nothing to offer. Yet God wants to be intimate with me and say all of the things that I've been longing to hear yet scare me at the same time because I let my trust issues and my feelings of worthlessness get in the way.
The love letter I read today said, "Don't let your light hide behind your uncertainties and insecurities." All I can say is that I CONSTANTLY fail at this, especially with those who I want to share my heart with, all I can say is that I'm scared... I'm scared of letting you down. Yet the other letter I read today talked about letting God's grace lighten my step, and letting go of seeking approval from others. Isn't it funny how God uses so many different ways to speak to us?
I loved a quote from Augustine that was on Mike's blog, it said, "Instead of fearing, as I ought, to be held back by all that encumbered me, I was frightened to be free of it." It's funny, I don't like where I'm at now, but it's in a way easier to stay here because I am afraid to let go. I'm afraid of letting who I am be out there completley for all to see because I don't know what that means. And I certainly don't know how to live that way because I have yet to really let myself get to that point. But I do know that scripture will help teach me. An encouraging verse has been 2 Timothy 1:7 which says,
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." In my study bible notes it references that Timothy had an extreme lack of confidence which was a serious problem for him. Boy, can I relate :-) But the end is so encouraging! The Spirit (which I think might be the Holy Spirit? You bible scholars can help me out :-) is NOT a spirit of timidity, but it IS a spirit of power, it's of love, and it's of self discipline! amazing! :-)
I have also been really reading the book "Don't waste your life" by John Piper. I got the book a long time ago, but have really just been getting into it. I don't think it would have meant as much to me as it does now if I had read it when I first got it. All I know is that as the new year starts, I don't waste my life. A story Piper references is hearing a man say late in life, "I've wasted it, I've wasted it!" That to me hit really hard, I don't want that. Piper says that, "God created me- and you- to live with a single, all-embracing, all-transforming passion- namely, a passion to glorify God by enjoying and displaying His extreme excellence in all the spheres of life."
We need to glorify God with everything, and for me that means with my imperfections and by letting Him into my life in the areas where I'm scared to let Him come in. He wants to love me I just need to let Him.
The past year has been a hard one, I've been at BBC for a year and a half and i finish up in one more semester! :-) talk about being really excited but scared out of my mind! But looking back I think one of the hardest aspects of Bible College for me has been the fact that you are constantly given information- Information about the bible, what your relationship with Christ should look like... there has just been so much amazing, life changing information. The problem with that is I see how much change I need in my life, I see so many aspects of my life that I wish I was better at, I see so much hurt in the world around me through the many wise men that told stories as they stood up in Chapel. It's just an overwhelming amount of information to the point where I've been falling.
When I'm at school I feel at times like I'm on this standstill where I don't see growth. I have felt that my life this past year has been so surreal, that every moment I see myself acting out a motion but it feels so fake and that I'm watching myself do it and that I'm not really there. I've had a lot of doubts this past year, not really doubting the fact of God's existence because I do believe that with all of my heart. But it's been a long battle of fighting myself and my doubting of my salvation. This has been a scary experience for me because I have never struggled with that, and it's something I never thought I would struggle with. And I've really been trying to pinpoint the "source" of my doubts. I think it comes back to me. It comes back to my long term battle of insecurities and feelings of worthlessness. It's funny how you can see worth in every person around you and really try and love them like Christ would love them, yet you do the complete opposite to yourself.
To tell you the Truth I don't know how to stop that. I know a huge part of this insecurity stems from a lack of a good father figure for the majority of my life, as well as a season of being abused when I was younger, yet God has definetley provided a man in my life who has been that father figure to me, and who I love very much. God has even gone above and beyond by blessing me with other men in my life who are so protective of me that I don't know what I would do without them. Although I have a different relationship with each of them, each one has slowly been used by God as a building block to set up my foundation to have the ability to trust again. I haven't "arrived" I don't think I ever will, but I'm getting better. I know these four men know who they are, and I could never thank them enough for loving me the way Christ wants me to be loved, and that's still something I can't fully comprehend. But it helps me see more of who Christ is, instead of the hurt that I was formally used to.
But most of all I am so thankful to Christ because He still loves me despite my doubting and insecurities. He has been molding me the past six years to look more like himself, even when I fight against that. Praise God for loving me truly and completley and being patient with me because it's still going to take a little while till I will visibly be comfortable with who He created me to be.
My mom bought me a book for Christmas called, "His Princess, Love Letters from your King." This book has been a life changing one for me, and I have been reading a love letter or two everyday, and each one touches my heart and my struggles so close to home I usually find myself in tears. God's love for me is so overwhelming, and it's hard for me to accept love because I know how undeserving I am and how I have nothing to offer. Yet God wants to be intimate with me and say all of the things that I've been longing to hear yet scare me at the same time because I let my trust issues and my feelings of worthlessness get in the way.
The love letter I read today said, "Don't let your light hide behind your uncertainties and insecurities." All I can say is that I CONSTANTLY fail at this, especially with those who I want to share my heart with, all I can say is that I'm scared... I'm scared of letting you down. Yet the other letter I read today talked about letting God's grace lighten my step, and letting go of seeking approval from others. Isn't it funny how God uses so many different ways to speak to us?
I loved a quote from Augustine that was on Mike's blog, it said, "Instead of fearing, as I ought, to be held back by all that encumbered me, I was frightened to be free of it." It's funny, I don't like where I'm at now, but it's in a way easier to stay here because I am afraid to let go. I'm afraid of letting who I am be out there completley for all to see because I don't know what that means. And I certainly don't know how to live that way because I have yet to really let myself get to that point. But I do know that scripture will help teach me. An encouraging verse has been 2 Timothy 1:7 which says,
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." In my study bible notes it references that Timothy had an extreme lack of confidence which was a serious problem for him. Boy, can I relate :-) But the end is so encouraging! The Spirit (which I think might be the Holy Spirit? You bible scholars can help me out :-) is NOT a spirit of timidity, but it IS a spirit of power, it's of love, and it's of self discipline! amazing! :-)
I have also been really reading the book "Don't waste your life" by John Piper. I got the book a long time ago, but have really just been getting into it. I don't think it would have meant as much to me as it does now if I had read it when I first got it. All I know is that as the new year starts, I don't waste my life. A story Piper references is hearing a man say late in life, "I've wasted it, I've wasted it!" That to me hit really hard, I don't want that. Piper says that, "God created me- and you- to live with a single, all-embracing, all-transforming passion- namely, a passion to glorify God by enjoying and displaying His extreme excellence in all the spheres of life."
We need to glorify God with everything, and for me that means with my imperfections and by letting Him into my life in the areas where I'm scared to let Him come in. He wants to love me I just need to let Him.
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hey there... thanks for sharing your heart... I am going to let you use my book "Captivating" by John & Staci Eldridge... you can bring it back to school with you and read it if you'd like... I know it spoke to me.
Another quote that really hit me recently is:
“No punishment anyone might inflict on them could possibly be worse than the punishment they inflict on themselves by conspiring in their own diminishment.” ~Parker Palmer
Love ~G
Hey G- thanks for the encouragement. As for the book I've already read it but thanks for the offer! I love John Eldredge and it was cool for him and his wife to write a book together.
<3, amanda
Yea... I agree... I am SO not into girlie books... heck... I just barely know how to be a girl... but last summer the book "jumped" out at me and I loved every moment of it.
Love ~G