Longing for Heaven
amanda
Ever been too scared to turn something over to God? It's when you have given most of something over, but inside your just afraid to let that other part go. I'm holding onto the pieces of my heart with everything in me yet I feel like God is telling me to let go. Why can't I let go? why is fear grabbing on? I'm going to be honest no matter how horrible this sounds. I don't trust God. I don't trust Him with how long He wants me here at BBC, I don't trust Him with who I am going to marry, and I don't trust myself. So who am I gonna leave these things up to anyways? I feel like everything is moving... life is circulating around me and all my hopes and dreams are shattering in my face.... given I don't even know how anything will turn out, but truth is I just want to go home... and not my NH home. I want to be with Jesus, I want to stop hurting and being confused, I want to escape my desires and love for the seemingly impossible. A man back home just died last night from a brain tumor. It's funny how you can not really know someone and have something hit you so hard. I have been praying for this man for months now and I have visited him only two times but my heart has been burdened for him and his family. As I cried last night and told my mom that I had still been praying for a miracle, she told me that his miracle is that he is dancing before Jesus right now. It makes me cry just thinking about it. In my lowest times I recognize that the true cry of my heart is for God and God alone. I want to be dancing before Jesus. I want to be wrapped in the arms of someone who loves me like that. Even when I think I am in love it is bitterly dissapointing because it will not fill that void for God. I just want Jesus to wrap His arms around me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. It's what I want more than anything... so why won't I just let go. I pray for my heart to break tonight. To completley shatter. I am too worried, too self-concious, and too wrapped up in myself. I love you Lord I just want to love you so much more...

Here is a song by Mercy Me off their Christmas Cd... It is called Joseph's lullaby.. it's precious...

"Go to sleep my son, go and chase your dreams, this world can wait for one more moment, go and sleep in peace.
I believe the glory of heaven is lying in my arms tonight. Lord I ask that He for just this moment simply be my child.
Go to sleep my son, baby close your eyes. Soon enough you'll save the day, but for now dear child of mine, oh my Jesus sleep tight."

I pray for rest... I pray for renewal of trust... I pray for Peace. God I know that you love me even so much more than Joseph loved Jesus. You are the ultimate lover. Help me to not try to find love in the wrong places, but instead in you. Help me to turn over whatever I am holding back from you... I want you to have all of me...

"Take it all away, all my hopes that aren't of your will. This pain I know will see better days, I just need to trust in you. Love more beautiful than anything is within my grasp, help me to give in //make me fall in love with you/ I'm too scared to move/ I want to fall in love with you/ I'm your child I shall not fear/ your precious grace rescues my soul from anything that has brought me here/ beautiful Jesus just hold me tonight/ I want to fall in love with you// Pain consumes, love overtakes. The future seems too far, but in your hands you will lead the way. No matter how far I try to run you help me find my way back to you. Forever resisting, help me give in. //make me fall in love with you/ I'm too scared to move/ I want to fall in love with you/ I'm your child I shall not fear/ your precious grace rescues my soul from anything that has brought me here/ beautiful Jesus just hold me tonight/ I want to fall in love with you// Rest and comfort I find in your arms. Sin is no match to you, I'm giving in. I'm falling in love with you."
~Me

PS: this is something i wrote on a friend's site awhile back... i think i should take my own advice:

6/26/05: I think that one of the coolest things about God is that He knows all the answers and we don't. there have been so many times when i want to figure something out, and i hate feeling that i don't know or understand anything, which i admit is all the time. the overwhelming sense that we constantly have more to learn and understand can be frusterating, at least for me anyways. God has been showing me especially in recent days though, how perfectly everything works together to the point that it scares me. i guess i've come to the conclusion that since we are all ever condemned to incomplete understanding that its okay. plus if we knew everything would real faith exist? i don't think so... i think its not knowing all the answers that leads us to keep seeking after God and to learn more about His character, which is why we fall in love with Him. i think its when we are able to discover on our own that God is loving, and merciful, and that he will never leave our side is when we can begin to live a life of love and faith, and seek after figuring out the delicate balance you described. our process of spirituality is never ending, and our fear and love for God is what brings us to the point of discovering what true faith is.

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