What a rough few days. After talking with my mom and a really sweet co-worker of mine who is like my mom at work, I told them I needed a break. I have had two days off but they have been anything but days off. I have been completley miserable and really struggling. These past three weeks have been filled with anxiety attacks, self hatred, and just plain awful thoughts. I am in the middle of a spiritual battle with myself. I don't know if any of you know what it's like to feel the constant fear that there is someone in your past coming to kill you or not being able to sleep at night because you could swear someone is in your house. I have those fears, to an unrealistic point. On top of that I struggle everyday with seeing the worth in myself. My job has been taking a toll on me this year, and I just started taking classes at school. And to top it all off, my faith has been shaking for some time. The thing is I don't want to give up. Even though my mind and body might want to rebel, my heart doesn't. I don't want Satan to win, I want Jesus to finish the work He started in me. I want to see a glimmer again of that passionate thirteen year old who had no doubts in her mind about who she was living for.

I'm going to see a psychiatrist tomorrow. I had been on a medicine for anxiety and depression but stopped taking it in Namibia. I think the big reason was because I felt like people would see me as weak or taking the easy way out. And if anyone disagrees with taking medicine, I know where you are coming from. I have been that way for a long time. But I don't feel the same about it anymore. I think that God put doctor's on this earth to help us. I agree that medicine is overprescribed, but that there are some people who genuinely need it. I do not want to be on medicine for the rest of my life, but I feel like I am one of those people who needs it right now. I have a long history of family members with depression and anxiety, and I have been through a lot of things in my young life that have only added to that. But I'm willing to admit that I am weak and that I need help. I don't want to waste this short life feeling like someone is just around the corner waiting for me, or being unhappy. I want to enjoy life and to be able to look back and know that I lived to my fullest. To do this I need something to stabalize my moods and bring my anxiety level down. I'm just thankful that God has put me in a church where I get to build into the lives of others, because it's in those moments I do feel worth and have time to forget about myself and help teenagers who may be struggling with similar things.

But just know that I am really having a hard time, and that it's in these times that I start to feel worthless, and wish I had someone who would remind me that I'm not and feel like they would protect me. Then my mind moves to wondering what is wrong with me that I don't have someone like that. So as you can see, my thought processes always end up with, "it's my fault."

But I'm not going to give up and I've been singing these words acapella in my car the whole ride home tonight.

"I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my portion,
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need."
~Hillsong

So if you think of it, an encouraging note or praying for me would be greatly appreciated. I just need a reminder that I'm not alone, and I'm praying that God would show up in a way that would blow my mind and remind me of that.

"Nothing is impossible for You."

My Mom: How is it that in the hardest times she never loses faith and always wonders what God is trying to teach her. She is so strong and I want more than anything to be more like that.



Procrastinating: I am so distracted and have done everything but my homework. Now that it's 9:30 I really should make this quick and get it done! hehe.

Music: Jesse and Lisa, you will be so proud to know that I just picked up the guitar and played for about a half hour. It felt so good, I'm not quite sure why I've been avoiding it because it is so therapeutic for me. I am so wanting to get my music recorded and to start writing again. Jesse you are so right, yours sounds MUCH better and I already can't wait for geetar shopping in October! PS: I still gotta talk to you about lessons...

God: I'm realizing more and more that I don't know anything. I feel like I need to go back to the basics and do studies in John and the gospels and remember who I am and who God is. Pastor Darin, you will be getting a call soon because I'd love to go over all of this with you!

Love: After watching far too many chick flicks with the Shaw girls this weekend, along with depressing myself with the new Josh Bales album (so good!), the new John Mayer album (SO GOOD!) and some new Relient K... I'm realizing that I am torn. I'm torn because I desire and crave that feeling of love and wanting to journey through life with that someone else, yet on the other hand, I battle daily in my mind with negativity. I battle with my idea of men. My step-dad got kicked out of the house two weekends ago. Yet another reminder that the men in my life for the most part really screw up. It's so hard to believe that someone would ever want to love me, protect me, and want to share life with me. It's hard to believe that there is someone romantic, patient, and loving. Someone who will make a good father. Someone who pushes me to be better and who doesn't let me get comfortable with where I am at. Someone who loves God and will be a good husband. Someone who is practical and good with directions to keep me from getting lost. :) Someone who shares my dreams, hopes and passions of traveling, music, and ministry. Not only do I struggle with believing that, I also struggle with trusting God to bring the right person into my life. There I said it...
It's so hard to say I don't trust You. To say that I trusted You before and that for some reason I must have heard You wrong, because I was so sure. It's hard to admit that I'm scared and that even if You brought the right person along, I'm scared of not being good enough. That I wouldn't make a good wife or mom. I'm scared of getting hurt again, and even more scared that there is no one out there. I'm scared of love. I'm scared of love because every time I have been vulnerable, I've been hurt. It's so draining to fight everyday and remember that You are not like that. That You, God, are trustworthy and loving and my protector. Please help me to stop worrying about trying to stop loving someone and also wondering who that someone should be. I just want to be rid of it all. To love You and only You. To become more of the woman You desire me to be. To bring me back to You even though I have been rebelling and trying to make my own path and have lost my identity and have forgotten who You are along the way. God please bring me back and break away everything. I am so tired of running and trying to figure out who I am. Help me to remember the purpose of why I'm here.

Youth Group: Because of night classes I won't be able to help out at monday night youth group for awhile. I know that God is going to use this time, but it's also reminding me how much I stinkin love those kids and how much I am going to miss it. God really woke me up to youth ministry at the beginning of my junior year in high school. It was right after I got back from Namibia for the first time and I was completley depressed. I begged God and asked Him what He wanted for my life. He said youth ministry, and since then my life has truly never been the same. I have realized my love for something that always makes me feel whole and makes me feel like I'm right where I need to be. Thankfully relationships don't end just because I can't be there on monday nights. So I'm looking forward to all that God is going to do in the lives of these kiddos this year!

I'm taking a break from the blogging world for awhile. Just wanted to get that out in the open so I don't have to keep feeling guilty about not writing. So to all my loyal fans... once I get my life in order, I will be back.

"I see the King of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes
I see His love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, the people sing

[Chorus]
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest (x2)

I see a generation
Rising up to take the place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith
I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees

[Bridge]
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
~Hillsong


Father, help me to desire the things of Your heart. That my heart would be the slightest resemblance of Yours. Help me to love like You, and to share with others the wonders of everything You are.

June 28, 2004 (Just turned 17, right before my first trip to Namibia)

I'm not sure how I'm feeling at this moment. It's weird but the sense of piece I felt in my last entry is something I'm not really feeling right now. I really like this journal and I'm glad Lisa got it for me. She said she thought of me when she saw it, and she thought it would be good for when I go to Namibia to record my thoughts and things I learn. I'm leaving in exactly one month tomorrow. I'm having mixed feelings about the whole thing though. I am very excited and I know this trip will have a huge impact in my life. I guess I'm just worried at what those changes might be. I trust God with everything... it's just that I've never liked change, it's scary and new. Changes in my life have been good in the past once I adjust... it's just hard at first.

June 29, 2004

In my first entry I mentioned the book "Wild at Heart" and how some of the things had hit me. One of the things that touched my heart is when he says that in every "beauty" there is a desire to be rescued, and in every "knight" there is a desire to rescue the "beauty." He also states that some other desires of a woman is for her to know if she is lovely or worth pursuing. These two hit me so hard because next he ties these to "father wounds." He says there are two ways a father can cripple his daughter, if he is abusive or passive. Unfortunetly, I've had to deal with both. I guess that scares me because those are the desires of my heart... The only father that has said I am worth it and I am lovely is God. I know it's enough, I just know I missed out on something big, and it's a constant reminder espcially when I see Pastor Darin and his girls. Even though I've tried to push those feelings away... I really wish I had had an earthly father who made me feel like I live up to God's answers. Instead, even now I feel ashamed, guilty, dirty and unloved. Alot of people don't understand why I still feel this way but at times I do. It's weird but lately I keep thinking about marriage. It's something I want more than anything. I guess I just want the chance to feel a man love and protect me, and I want someone to cuddle with and to share my dreams. I want to marry a knight... I want someone who is willing to fight for me. I want someone who loves God more than me, and I want to know that I am lovely and worth fighting for. I love you God.
<3 always, Mandy