So I pretty much had an awesome week :-) In fact I think it was the most relaxing and fun break I have had to date. It's funny for the first time ever I didn't worry about when I would see people, I just kept praying and asked God that His will be done with who I wanted to see. I got to spend a lot of time with those I wanted to see, and got to see people I didn't think I was gonna see at all :-) it's cool how God works, and how good it feels when you trust in Him. I laughed so much this week and I just had so much fun being home. I just love being around those I love and it was good not to feel the time crunch I normally feel when I am home... I hope I can take what I learned and apply it to my other breaks. here are some pictures from my week. My favorite ones are when I had a sleep over with my pastor's girls. One of the girls made me the cutest cup with dog ears and a note saying "hi amanda" and another made me a cake that said "welcome team leader manda" :-) We also watched the movie dreamer... such a cute movie, and Bethany Dillon's song "Dreamer" was in the credits so I was excited.
Alyssa and I had some great conversation on the ride back regarding something I learned in Pastor Darin's sermon today, about being scared to be who we are... I find it's the hardest around people I love most. sometimes I feel like a turtle.... :-) horrible analogy I know, but I find that it is so hard for me at times to just be me. I will be all outgoing around some people yet I will completley hide in my shell out of fear of looking stupid around others... sticking my head out of the shell when I desire to be loved or accepted but not sure if I will recieve it in return is a vulnerable place to be in, which is why I find much comfort in silence and hiding :-/ hmmmm... I can't do the things I love, or say what is running through my mind and my heart, just because of the fear of acceptance... pretty stupid... but I am going to work at that, because why hide yourself from the people you love most, it seems to me that the people you love most probably are the ones who love you for who you are so why hide what they already love???
Alyssa and I had some great conversation on the ride back regarding something I learned in Pastor Darin's sermon today, about being scared to be who we are... I find it's the hardest around people I love most. sometimes I feel like a turtle.... :-) horrible analogy I know, but I find that it is so hard for me at times to just be me. I will be all outgoing around some people yet I will completley hide in my shell out of fear of looking stupid around others... sticking my head out of the shell when I desire to be loved or accepted but not sure if I will recieve it in return is a vulnerable place to be in, which is why I find much comfort in silence and hiding :-/ hmmmm... I can't do the things I love, or say what is running through my mind and my heart, just because of the fear of acceptance... pretty stupid... but I am going to work at that, because why hide yourself from the people you love most, it seems to me that the people you love most probably are the ones who love you for who you are so why hide what they already love???
So tonight I spent time with the Burke family. It was good to spend time with Sarah (their daughter) and pray for John Sr. This family has been through so much. They just lost their son to cancer, Mrs. burke is in remission, and tomorrow John Sr. will be facing his second surgery to remove another brain tumor. It was painful listening to this family struggle with wondering what God is doing. If you think of them pray that God will show up like He did to Job. And pray that John Sr.’s surgery would go even better than expected. It's so crazy how God can make me feel so close to this family when I didn't know anything about them just months before.Being at the Burke household tonight also reminded me about how short life is. That in life sometimes the things we wouldn't even imagine could happen do, and that youth and good health really do not mean anything when thinking about sin and how it has affected this planet. I want to be able to live my life in such a way that I am living it to the fullest for I am not guaranteed a long life.
The past few months I have been struggling with how long God wants me to attend BBC and for all of you who have put up with me talking about it all the time i'm sorry, but i'm gonna talk about it some more :-). Going for four years would be much easier for me in the fact that I could put off a lot of big life altering decisions for another two years, while two would be more “practical” especially since we would be saving $40.000. It’s funny how this seems so little compared to what the Burke’s are facing, but I realized tonight that I have not given this area completely over to God. I am scared at what God will say. Stuck in the middle, fearful that God will say that I need to be away from everything and everyone I love for another two years, yet even more afraid that He will tell me that I am ready to graduate and face the big decisions in life. The truth is I just worry that I am not ready for certain things, and that I will not be good at the roles I hope to have someday. It's amazing how I can want things yet can be afraid of what I want at the same time.
At my Namibia meeting yesterday we did this activity where we paired off with a fellow team mate and were given a list of questions to ask eachother in order to get to know the other person better. The question that has been haunting me was on that list. “What are your dreams???” I know what they are, but I haven’t been able to answer that question honestly till that game because of thinking that if I just admit them to someone else they won’t happen… I know, I’m crazy like that :-)
I have quite a few dreams, some bigger than others, and I think the fact that someone who barely knew me informed me that my dreams were beautiful ended up helping me realize that I would be pretty stupid to cover up all of what I hope for because of fear. If you looked deep inside of me and wanted to see the things I hold closest to my heart, my first dream would be that I want to make God smile. I want to live my life for Him and to bring Him glory, but usually I worry so much about what it is that would bring Him “the most glory” that I run around franticly ignoring all of the little things that cross my path. I also want to work in a church. It was so cool tonight to just spend time with the Burke’s, and to love them and to be able to show my support by praying with them. It makes me realize how I want so badly to somehow be financially supported to just give my life over as a service to others. And I am sure you all can guess what Church I would like to be apart of, it’s been my dream since I was fifteen for some reason :-) I just want to help others in their pain, especially teens, I know that teenage years are especially important when going through problems… and I just pray that God will give me an opportunity to serve Him in a church setting. I also want to get married. I want to marry someone with whom I can serve God alongside and be constantly growing closer to God with. I want the chance to be able to apply all that I have learned about love and marriage, and to live out the godly example that God has laid out. I also want the chance to be a parent, and to experience what I think is one of life's hardest but biggest joys. I so badly desire all of these things, it’s just the giving it over to God and trusting Him that I will be ready in His perfect timing. A friend once told me that we are never truly ready for anything- for marriage, parenthood, etc. He said that sometimes you just need to jump in the pool and start kicking. I think I need to start taking these words to heart. I need to stop letting fear control me, and stop clinging to the edge of the pool fearing to let go that I might drown.
God help me to give my dreams, my schooling, EVERYTHING, over to you… help me to jump into my pool and to kick with all my might, so that I can live my life in a way that will bring glory to you, so that I might actually experience the joy of when you finally realize you can swim instead of clutching onto the concrete edges and never experiencing that joy at all. Help me to trust in you Father, Amen.
I have quite a few dreams, some bigger than others, and I think the fact that someone who barely knew me informed me that my dreams were beautiful ended up helping me realize that I would be pretty stupid to cover up all of what I hope for because of fear. If you looked deep inside of me and wanted to see the things I hold closest to my heart, my first dream would be that I want to make God smile. I want to live my life for Him and to bring Him glory, but usually I worry so much about what it is that would bring Him “the most glory” that I run around franticly ignoring all of the little things that cross my path. I also want to work in a church. It was so cool tonight to just spend time with the Burke’s, and to love them and to be able to show my support by praying with them. It makes me realize how I want so badly to somehow be financially supported to just give my life over as a service to others. And I am sure you all can guess what Church I would like to be apart of, it’s been my dream since I was fifteen for some reason :-) I just want to help others in their pain, especially teens, I know that teenage years are especially important when going through problems… and I just pray that God will give me an opportunity to serve Him in a church setting. I also want to get married. I want to marry someone with whom I can serve God alongside and be constantly growing closer to God with. I want the chance to be able to apply all that I have learned about love and marriage, and to live out the godly example that God has laid out. I also want the chance to be a parent, and to experience what I think is one of life's hardest but biggest joys. I so badly desire all of these things, it’s just the giving it over to God and trusting Him that I will be ready in His perfect timing. A friend once told me that we are never truly ready for anything- for marriage, parenthood, etc. He said that sometimes you just need to jump in the pool and start kicking. I think I need to start taking these words to heart. I need to stop letting fear control me, and stop clinging to the edge of the pool fearing to let go that I might drown.
God help me to give my dreams, my schooling, EVERYTHING, over to you… help me to jump into my pool and to kick with all my might, so that I can live my life in a way that will bring glory to you, so that I might actually experience the joy of when you finally realize you can swim instead of clutching onto the concrete edges and never experiencing that joy at all. Help me to trust in you Father, Amen.
"May I still remind you, God loves you more than anything.
He's growing a rose, purifying the gold. In you He is making something beautiful."
~Michael Knight
Both pictures were taken by my step-dad doug, I think they are beautiful :-)
This photo was taken at our most recent Herd event. It was so much fun and it's nights like these where I feel the most joy and feel like I am being a part of what I was made for... that's a good feeling :-) I decided to tie the green theme into my blog (I guess I can have a little Irish spirit since I have some in me ;-) One thing I always realize at these events is what God means by having Faith like a child... These kids will do the craziest things (most recently sticking their heads into two gallons of jello and bobbing for grapes :-)
I know that to have a more childlike faith, I need to be willing to recognize the simplicity in things, and be willing to do anything for God without caring about the opinions of others... I will be the first to admit my guilt of caring way too much about what others think. A song by 10 Shekel Shirt has been becoming a theme song for me this semester and I think I've posted the lyrics before but think about them closely...
"Of a childlike faith,
and of my honest praise
and of my unashamed love.
Of a Holy life.
and of my sacrifice
and of my unashamed love."
Children do not have shame in their actions. Children are honest (most of the time, hehe) and I just want to make a commitment with God that I will never get so prideful or become so wrapped up with trying to solve deep theological issues that I will forget the simple meaning of Faith. And that is to love God with everything in me. Always remember that...
"We know that we all possess knowledge.[a] Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up. 2The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know. 3But the man who loves God is known by God." ~1 Corinthians 8:1-3
Faith isn't a matter of becoming a biblical scholar, but instead about drawing near to God and falling more in love with Him each day. There is a huge difference between knowing about God and knowing God. I just want to encourage you all to seek after a childlike faith, because in the end even if you were right in every debate that you fought, if you didn't know God all that knowledge means absolutely nothing. So in your every day life observe children... observe your own if you have them. I think that you will be surprised to discover that you will learn a great lesson from someone much younger than yourself. Isn't it cool how God works??? :-)
Wow... it's been awhile, I don't even know where to start....
I have been having so much fun here at BBC, and my month away from the computer was very good for me. Oh and before I forget Happy Birthday Daddy and Alyssa!!! It was their birthday yesterday :-) they are both really old now ;-)
God has been breaking me... sometimes in my spiritual walk I feel like I am on a standstill and I truly feel how horrible and deep my sinful nature is... it reminds me of David Crowder's lyrics to "Wholly Yours"
"But the harder I try, the more clearly can I, feel the depth of our fall and the weight of it all"
There have just been so many times lately when I don't want to pray or talk with God, I would much rather just handle problems on my own, but deep down I don't like doing things without God's help, and I know I need Him. I hate it when I get into moods like that, but every time I come running back to God He will still take me back, and I will never understand that. I think that doubt has a huge part- doubting that God can provide money for me to go to Namibia this summer, doubting God's plan for my future. It just reminds me how little faith I have and how much I need to grow. It's funny how being at a Bible College seems to have put a hindrance on my growth... I'm not sure why, but I felt like I was growing a lot more while I was at home. But God has been using dorm life and experiences at work to stretch me, funny how much you learn outside of a classroom :-)
I have been having so much fun here at BBC, and my month away from the computer was very good for me. Oh and before I forget Happy Birthday Daddy and Alyssa!!! It was their birthday yesterday :-) they are both really old now ;-)
God has been breaking me... sometimes in my spiritual walk I feel like I am on a standstill and I truly feel how horrible and deep my sinful nature is... it reminds me of David Crowder's lyrics to "Wholly Yours"
"But the harder I try, the more clearly can I, feel the depth of our fall and the weight of it all"
There have just been so many times lately when I don't want to pray or talk with God, I would much rather just handle problems on my own, but deep down I don't like doing things without God's help, and I know I need Him. I hate it when I get into moods like that, but every time I come running back to God He will still take me back, and I will never understand that. I think that doubt has a huge part- doubting that God can provide money for me to go to Namibia this summer, doubting God's plan for my future. It just reminds me how little faith I have and how much I need to grow. It's funny how being at a Bible College seems to have put a hindrance on my growth... I'm not sure why, but I felt like I was growing a lot more while I was at home. But God has been using dorm life and experiences at work to stretch me, funny how much you learn outside of a classroom :-)
Speaking of which I have the coolest praise! My manager at work came up to me yesterday and he was asking me questions about my trip and he then informed me that he talked to his family and whatever money that I need in the home stretch that I can't raise he wants to pay for it. This guy is 20 years old! I had finally decided to let God take Namibia two days ago, and my heart stopped hardening and I prayed for God to take this area. I am just stunned of how God works everything in my life out to the good... even when i'm a brat...So yeah... i pretty much cried :-) It's cool to see how much God is using my manager (of all people an unbeliever) to work in my life, and how us BBCers who work with him are trying to build into his life, he's so close to grasping what faith means! He is also the first person ever to confront me and ask me what my problem towards men is. I guess I didn't realize that I put off this vibe, and it's really cool that he cared enough to ask me that, because since then I have been changing at warp speed in that area. God put me in a class of all guys for what I thought was punishment, but now I see its for healing. Although at times I half expect these amazing men to turn around and suddenly turn evil (hehe, i know! im ridiculous!) God has truly been teaching me that not all guys are bad. I'm even going to be meeting with a counselor from my church when I am home on spring break, for those of you that know me I have been avoiding that step for 10 years!!! it is cool to see how far God is bringing me, and my manager doesn't know this but he is turning into a big brother and I am so thankful that God put him in my life to give me a smack upside the head :-)
Well this is all the updating I'm gonna do for now... it's been awhile so I will leave you with some pix, quotes, and song lyrics that have really touched my heart this past month...
love you all and it's good to join my fellow bloggers again :-)
Be blessed!
"I went away from thee, my God, in my youth I strayed too far from thy sustaining power, and I became to myself a barren land... And you sent your hand from above, and raised my soul out of the depth of darkness"
~Saint Augustine's "Confessions"
"May we be poor in spirit so that we may be rich in grace."
~President Jeffrey
"No guilt in life, no fear in death, this is the power of Christ in me.
From life's first cry, to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of Hell, no scheme of man,
can ever pluck me from His hand...."
Rest in Peace Rick Moore 3/2/06
Rick Moore died from Cancer and he was a dorm dad and led BBC's security. I have never met this man, but he died as I with about three hundred other BBC students gathered around Vibbard dorm with Rick inside and we sang and prayed for Him. They read something Rick wrote about how he was thankful God gave him cancer because he never would have known his savior like he did when he was struggling. There was not a dry eye that night as we all realized how selfish we all were, and how even in this difficult time Rick's faith strengthened. We helped usher Rick into Paradise as he took his last breath as we sang "It is well with my soul." I pray that I will have half the faith that Rick had.
"when peace like a river attendeth my way..."
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