This song has been my theme song the past few weeks....
"Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems i dont know where to start
But its now i feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain
I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I dont see I still believe
Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises i still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain
The only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers in brokeness
I can see that this is your will for me
Help me to know you are near"
Jeremy Camp's lyrics resonate with my heart so much. Life is full of questions, uncertainty, and pain. Yet God is still always faithful :-) I've come to decide that part of His faithfulness is trusting in Him and giving Him the chance to show us that He is faithful. A speaker at TLC said that it is easy for someone with lots of blessings to praise God and to trust in Him, but a faith that is really deep is one that can still trust in God when things are not going so hot.
I have so many questions and a desire for so many answers- yet I love how his lyrics portray a person who is so helpless. In life none of us know where to begin, and when God "slowly unwinds" the answers, we need to remember what a joy it is to experience seeing our hearts, that only He could have prepared, and how everything fits together so perfectly. Yet Jeremy Camp's honesty that even though he recognizes God's sovreignty, he still has so many struggles and doubts, but he says even in all of that, even when he cannot see, he will choose to believe. Faith is so amazing when you really think about what it means! It is so comforting to know that we can go to God absolutley broken- even when tears won't seem to stop, and your heart aches, God hears our prayers that might not even seem clear to us at the time. Jeremy Camp closes his song with a desire to know God is near. It's human nature to want to feel close to someone, to feel loved and protected, I know for sure it's something I desire, yet even though we cannot see God we can still feel His closeness if we just ask!
That's my hearts desire for tonight... to recognize that God is near. The very common verse in Matthew that says "knock and the door will be opened to you, seek and you will find, ask and it will be given to you" caught my eye tonight. I don't know if it was from the pink highlighting in my bible, but I think God wanted me to see that verse.
I don't seek Him enough, I've been struggling with a lot of things as of late. Feelings that I am not good enough, wishing I could be different... let's just say I am not happy with my self. But that's just it, I'm blaming my unhappiness with myself and my frusteration with life on God. I try and fix things on my own, yet when I constantly fall short, or wind up dissapointed I think deep down I blame God for me being so stupid. Yet every time I end up in tears because lets face it I don't understand anything, I come crawling back to God. Matthew reminded me tonight that the last few weeks especially, I have been going about life all wrong. If I'm unhappy with an aspect of myself I need to pray and ask God to help change me, not rely on what I can do, because God is the faithful one and not me... trust me or ask anyone of my close friends... I mess up ALL the time :-) Yet God is so good because He still loves me, and He has blessed me with a mom who still loves me even when I'm moody, and friends who love me even when I fall short of meeting their needs.
I have two more weeks at home, then off to BBC. I'm really struggling with a decision (that might not even be possible) to get an associates in early childhood education along with taking the youth min courses that I feel will be profitable. I've really been struggling with what I am going to do after graduating in May... I would be fine if everyone would stop asking me!!! hehe :-) but since that's not likely, I have really enjoyed working with kindergarteners this past week. And since my dream job is not likely to happen anytime soon, I thought maybe next year I can work at the daycare I have been working at as a teacher. I think it would be a good thing, and a practical thing (i know that contradicts ALL of my past posts :-) but I figure that I could get that job so that I could actually have one, and make some money cuz who knows maybe I can go to Namibia for the whole summer in 2008, I would love to go this summer, but financially that would be deemed impossible. But I guess I should just focus on today and see where God takes me from there ;-)
Who knows... all I know is that I am emotionally exhausted all of a sudden, I'm bored out of my mind on a friday night, and I can't even say I'm anxious about the next couple of weeks... I'm anxious about my entire life at this moment :-) have I mentioned yet how messed up I am? I apologize in advance to my future spouse because the only thing good in me is God, which is very good because there could be no greater thing living in such a horrible person.
But God is faithful so I am doing amazing.... when I remember that fact of course :-)
"Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems i dont know where to start
But its now i feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain
I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I dont see I still believe
Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises i still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see you prepare
But its now that I feel your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip washing away my pain
The only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers in brokeness
I can see that this is your will for me
Help me to know you are near"
Jeremy Camp's lyrics resonate with my heart so much. Life is full of questions, uncertainty, and pain. Yet God is still always faithful :-) I've come to decide that part of His faithfulness is trusting in Him and giving Him the chance to show us that He is faithful. A speaker at TLC said that it is easy for someone with lots of blessings to praise God and to trust in Him, but a faith that is really deep is one that can still trust in God when things are not going so hot.
I have so many questions and a desire for so many answers- yet I love how his lyrics portray a person who is so helpless. In life none of us know where to begin, and when God "slowly unwinds" the answers, we need to remember what a joy it is to experience seeing our hearts, that only He could have prepared, and how everything fits together so perfectly. Yet Jeremy Camp's honesty that even though he recognizes God's sovreignty, he still has so many struggles and doubts, but he says even in all of that, even when he cannot see, he will choose to believe. Faith is so amazing when you really think about what it means! It is so comforting to know that we can go to God absolutley broken- even when tears won't seem to stop, and your heart aches, God hears our prayers that might not even seem clear to us at the time. Jeremy Camp closes his song with a desire to know God is near. It's human nature to want to feel close to someone, to feel loved and protected, I know for sure it's something I desire, yet even though we cannot see God we can still feel His closeness if we just ask!
That's my hearts desire for tonight... to recognize that God is near. The very common verse in Matthew that says "knock and the door will be opened to you, seek and you will find, ask and it will be given to you" caught my eye tonight. I don't know if it was from the pink highlighting in my bible, but I think God wanted me to see that verse.
I don't seek Him enough, I've been struggling with a lot of things as of late. Feelings that I am not good enough, wishing I could be different... let's just say I am not happy with my self. But that's just it, I'm blaming my unhappiness with myself and my frusteration with life on God. I try and fix things on my own, yet when I constantly fall short, or wind up dissapointed I think deep down I blame God for me being so stupid. Yet every time I end up in tears because lets face it I don't understand anything, I come crawling back to God. Matthew reminded me tonight that the last few weeks especially, I have been going about life all wrong. If I'm unhappy with an aspect of myself I need to pray and ask God to help change me, not rely on what I can do, because God is the faithful one and not me... trust me or ask anyone of my close friends... I mess up ALL the time :-) Yet God is so good because He still loves me, and He has blessed me with a mom who still loves me even when I'm moody, and friends who love me even when I fall short of meeting their needs.
(Abrupt shift in thoughts here... hehe... no good transitions come to mind :-)
I have two more weeks at home, then off to BBC. I'm really struggling with a decision (that might not even be possible) to get an associates in early childhood education along with taking the youth min courses that I feel will be profitable. I've really been struggling with what I am going to do after graduating in May... I would be fine if everyone would stop asking me!!! hehe :-) but since that's not likely, I have really enjoyed working with kindergarteners this past week. And since my dream job is not likely to happen anytime soon, I thought maybe next year I can work at the daycare I have been working at as a teacher. I think it would be a good thing, and a practical thing (i know that contradicts ALL of my past posts :-) but I figure that I could get that job so that I could actually have one, and make some money cuz who knows maybe I can go to Namibia for the whole summer in 2008, I would love to go this summer, but financially that would be deemed impossible. But I guess I should just focus on today and see where God takes me from there ;-)
Who knows... all I know is that I am emotionally exhausted all of a sudden, I'm bored out of my mind on a friday night, and I can't even say I'm anxious about the next couple of weeks... I'm anxious about my entire life at this moment :-) have I mentioned yet how messed up I am? I apologize in advance to my future spouse because the only thing good in me is God, which is very good because there could be no greater thing living in such a horrible person.
But God is faithful so I am doing amazing.... when I remember that fact of course :-)
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