First off....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDREW!!!!

I cannot believe my baby brother is 12, time sure does fly!

So I woke up at seven this morning. It's one of those mornings when I should still be sleeping, but sometimes anxiety has other plans in store. Sitting here staring at the screen with tired eyes, there is just so much on my heart. Sometimes I will go to biblegateway to look at the verse of the day for some encouragement.. check out todays: :-)

"When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." ~Psalm 94:18

God is the only comfort I need, why is it that I so quickly forget that? I just wish that I was braver. I wish that I didn't get teary eyed every time someone says, "i'll see you in three weeks." I wish I didn't have to say goodbye to people I love, I wish I didn't have this ache in my heart from saying goodbye, and I wish I could explain how I feel.

haha... boy do I wish a lot. It's just I have that quote that I've been trying to live my life by- "Life is a journey, seize every moment." I've come to the conclusion that I suck at that. It also doesn't help after seeing World Trade Center. I'd say the biggest theme that struck me is when you wake up to that alarm clock make sure you make every moment count, because you don't know what today is going to hold. It just seems to be such a fine line between seizing a moment, and not pushing God's plans too fast. Knowing how much to say and when to stop and guard your heart. All way to confusing for me to figure out. Sometimes I would love to be able to just open my mouth and have everything come tumbling out, but I have a feeling if I did that I wouldn't be able to stop for a long time and I might say something that breaks the waiting on God's timing thing. A very ironique idea from a recent conversation, how I regret not saying some things, yet I fear that I might regret something I might say. I hate waking up feeling anxious and with regrets, but maybe the fact that I keep my deepest thoughts so close, is that it is my form of protecting myself from more hurt when I leave. Selfish? maybe...

I'm scared to leave because that ache in my heart only gets bigger as soon as I pull onto that BBC campus. Although I am so tempted to just drop out, I'm going to let God stretch me one more time through BBC. I have one more year. I know it will be hard, I know I will be crying on alyssa a lot, and I know that a lot of my heart will still be in New Hampshire. But God is going to get me through just like He did last year, and Lord willing He is going to bless me with an Associate's degree, and send me home to find the other piece of my heart again. Until then I will cling to the verse I memorized when I was 13:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct Your paths." ~Proverbs 3:5-6

I will also cling to this song that talks about God casting out fear, and that we need to hold onto hope of a day when all of these troubles will fade away, but listen to this line- "But until that day comes still I will praise you." I hope that this year teaches me to be joyful in my sorrows and worries and that I will develop a more praising heart. Thanks for reading and know that I love you all so much. If you think of it please pray that I live out all of what I just said. I will leave you with the chorus to this Matt Redman song, it's such a good reminder that through every up, and every down God NEVER lets go.

"Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me"