You Never Let Go
amanda
So I haven't been able to get Pastor Darin's sermon out of my head today. I love how He described God as this furious love. A love that keeps taking you back no matter what you do, and that pursues you. I don't get it. I tend to run away from the things I don't understand. I was looking at some of my friends xanga pages and stumbled upon some lyrics that really hit me. I have been processing so much this past week. I've been truly struggling with remembering that my human relationships aren't like God. God doesn't make mistakes, or hurt you, and He's worthy of your trust. That's so hard to swallow because if you're like me you put too much faith into people. And you wonder how a God so big could love me when the people in your life who are supposed to can't and they mess up... alot. So much hurt from my past has resurfaced this past week. I feel like a scared little kid sometimes hiding from the world because I don't want to be noticed. I like to hide and blend in because I don't want people to see who I am. But God doesn't want that. He never grows tired of me and He wants me to break down all of my walls, He wants me to be free of myself, and to hope and to have dreams. I wrote my own version of Psalm 139 because I desire that love, but I'm also afraid of it. I'm afraid to dissapoint, and I know there will be times when I will, and I don't want to be given up on or hurt anymore. But love requires risk and even getting hurt, but it also means never giving up. It requires forgiveness. I need to be a more forgiving person, but as Pastor Darin said "forgiving hurts." Because when you forgive you know in the back of your mind that there is still the risk where you will be hurt again in the same way, yet we still need to forgive anyways. Because real love is a love that always forgives and perseveres, that never gives up. I'm really glad that God is so good at this loving thing, because I am really not even close to as loving as I would like to be. Most of all, love isn't fearing somone so much that you can't be yourself. But you can't be yourself without loving yourself first and knowing your worth in Christ. I have a long road in this area, but I am so so thankful that God NEVER gives up on me, and will never hurt me. I'm glad for that love that pursues me and never let's me go. I am so excited to go back to Namibia in about 15 days. I can't wait to be taken out into the dessert where my God will speak to me tenderly and I will feel all of my doubts pass away and just be loved by my lover who won't let me go. (And for those of you that didn't hear the sermon I'm referring to, check out Hosea 2.)





"In your eyes a moment ago I saw fire and rain

Surely after you smiled at me It all melted to pain

You cannot be true to me Until you're true to yourself

You say you have to leave And put your heart on a shelf

What taught you that you've gotta run? What inspires this fear?

When you start to feel something real, You always disappear You have to disappear

I wanna get inside of you Find what makes you tick

You can see I am getting thin And your walls are too thick

I've given my heart and mind What more can I do?

You cash out any time See I'm getting through

What taught you that you've gotta run? What inspires this fear?

When you feel something real,You always disappear You have to disappear

I know you have dreams Don't hold them inside

Take hold of your heart and open it wide

I know you have fears Just push them aside

You'll never feel love if you never try

I know you have dreams Don't hold them inside

Take hold of your heart and open it wide

I know you have fears Just push them aside

You'll never feel love if you never try

Who told you that you've gotta run?What inspires this fear?

When I show you somethin' real Please don't disappear, don't disappear" ~Stephen Speaks


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