I had a great conversation last night, talking about life and the fact that I want something I can't have. I have been saying all year that I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of two lives, a life where I want to be, and a life where I should be for now. I've been really homesick this week. As bad as it sounds sometimes it just hurts that everyone I love at home doesn't need me. I don't know why I desire to feel that but I do. My family goes on with their lives without me, my friends do the same, and as time passes by the less and less I hear from everyone. Harsh reality that life doesn't revolve around me, I never thought it did, but at times I wish it did only so I could fill the hole in my heart to feel needed and wanted. That's why I am so encouraged when anyone says that God doesn't need you but He wants you, because I've decided that in human relationships we dont "need" eachother and feelings change so much that after you fill another persons needs they don't want you either. In my everyday relationships I don't need anyone, it's just I want them... but sometimes relationships need to stop for awhile I guess to keep you continuing on in the life where you are now. The relationships always pick back up, but abruptly end when I'm away, I don't like that feeling. Been thinking a lot today about the school year coming to a close, how hard this year has been for me emotionally and how much I've learned, petrified thinking I have to do it all over again next year.

On a happier note I wrote a song today :-) I don't know if it fits my dream of writing a "good song" but I'm gonna work on it more and ask jace what he thinks. Sorry but I'm pretty sure most of you will never hear it but I'm okay with that, for me music is expressing some of my deepest thoughts and being completley vulnerable and I'm not there yet, nor do I think I ever will be and that is because of fear.

So pretty much my week has sucked, I miss my mom and I was just home a week ago, and as much as I make fun of family traditions I just missed Greek Easter for the first time in my life and that really hit me hard. I will be so relieved for this year to end, but I'm scared to come back to the place I love so much because I'm not going to want to leave again.

Sorry my posts have been so depressing latley. But I was reminded by someone younger and smarter than me that I should never try to cover up who I am or what I am feeling and try to put on a persona that everything is okay. The only reason I am sane right now is because God is holding me together, because the next four weeks are going to be really hard mentally and physically because I'm pretty sure I will be losing a lot of sleep. But I have some fun things coming up, spring banquet is friday so that should be fun. Other than that I once again find myself completley numb, but I know that God is going to use all of this.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowldge Him and He shall direct your paths." ~Proverbs 3:5-6

Doug has been taking amazing pictures lately! Here are a few of my favorite flower ones, pretty much decided if I ever get married I want these flowers:

These photos were taken by Douglas Ostlund.

Side note I've decided that love hurts too much, so much joy yet so much pain. I'm glad that God's love is a love that can cover all of that :-)