It's a good thing no one can see me as I write because I already have tears in my eyes. I've been thinking about my life tonight. Last night in bible study Pastor Darin started talking about God being in the details of our lives. That sometimes He "messes" with our lives, even for the little things like to have a short conversation with someone. Looking back now I am in awe. God used such horrible things to bring me to where I am. If it weren't for abuse which led to us moving to NH, I would not be who I am. I probably wouldn't know God, wouldn't be at Christ's Church, and wouldn't be looking for what God has for me.

I'm just overwhelmed by all of that. I've been thinking about childhood. The friends I have had, and sometimes even when you haven't talked to someone for years or haven't spent time with them since you grew up and took different paths, you miss them. You remember how that person changed you. How that person was there in some really hard times. How that person hurt when you hurt, and was happy when you were happy.

How much fun it was to go out in the hottub and look up at the stars as young teens and dream about what we thought life would be like. How gilmore girls and one tree hill were our everything. How we are both going to be in eachother's weddings.

How those girls in the dorm were always there for me and loved me when I couldn't love myself.

How your best friend gets married and things are different.

And then there's always that group of people that your time was far too short with them, and you can honestly say it was one of the best time's of your life.

How your "little" brother grows up, and it isn't till he's gone that you realize how much you love him and how proud you are of him.

How the uncle who has always been there for me, who claims he is my "uncle buck," and that I'm his "little buddy #1," goes to a doctor's appointment today and our worst fears are confirmed that he has a form of leukemia.

Sometimes I just miss parts of my life. It's so hard letting go of people, moving on, and going down the path God has for you. Because change isn't easy. Change can sometimes feel like your life is being ruined or that it will never be better again. But for me looking back, the changes in my life have often been the best things.

I don't remember being this little, but I am in awe of a God who knew all the details of my life before I was even born, and who knew everything that would happen the first twenty years, and I can trust that He knows what He's doing for the rest of it.


"So here's to the past please let me go
Here's to the future I don't even know
Here's to the people who've made me cry
Here's to the ones who never leave my side
In all of my life's ups and downs
God you still somehow
You still somehow love me"
~Lyrics to my new song in the works