honesty has been becoming more and more easy for me the closer I grow to God. The more I realize that I am nothing without my Saviour, the more I am willing to share about my weaknesses, my faults, and my struggles. So prepare yourself for some honesty from a heart that is tired, but is still standing strong only from the strength of my God.
I am very confused at the moment, uncertain about pretty much everything and anything in my life, but I am not confused about the most important thing- how much God loves me, and how much I love Him back. I think right now that is the only thing I am certain about... and I am trying very hard to be content in that, and I'm getting there :-)
Decision Making...
yikes! Just the thought of the word "decision" brings a whole bunch of things to mind regarding my current circumstances, my past, and my future... and reminds me of how much I struggle with decisions, and the fear of making mistakes. But even still, God is so incredible! How is it that the past few days I have been struggling, I talked about my life just last night with a few friends... only to arrive at church today and it was about.... you guessed it...decision making... I don't believe in coincedences :-)
I do not know where I am supposed to be anymore, I don't know where I even want to be. I'm caught in the middle of something where my true self is not revealed either way. When I am around the people I love the most I am scared to open up. I am trying so hard to live the way I am told that is best- to "live for the moment" or to "make the best out of my circumstances" well, i'm sorry but it is hard for me to even let myself get too close to anyone anymore out of fear of leaving them behind. I don't want to reveal my heart when I will have to soon leave behind that openess that I so long for, but the fear of being known and inconsistency wins out. I hate thinking of all the things I have missed and am going to miss here at home, most of the time I would love to just give someone a big hug when all I can do is respond to questions with "I don't know" or a superficial grin saying "everything is great" How is it that I want to be myself, I long to have deep meaningful relationships, yet the fear of loss and the concern of making a mistake blinds the desires of my heart? Bethany Dillion lyrics come to mind when she sings,
"I want to hide what’s deep in my eyes, I’m scared to be known by you"
Numbness is the story of my life at the moment, I am not sure what I love or where I am supposed to be, but I do know that in everything God is in control, and even in my uncertainty I just have to keep trusting and remembering that God is the love of my life. If I keep seeking after Him He will give me the desires of my heart... even through this uncertainty I still have desires...I have dreams, In fact God has put a couple of things in my heart that He says He is going to do... and it's just difficult waiting to see how all of these things he has been revealing to me will work out... but I guess it's okay that I don't know for now.... cuz when you think of it my journey is only a small part of a big story, and things like school, ministry, marriage, summer plans aren't too hard for God to put together.... thank God for that... let's just say if all these things were in my control... yeah... ;-) I just need to keep making sure my heart is a heart after God.
I guess I will just have to be patient, trust God, make decisions, and see what this next year holds.
Love you all and happy New Year!
Posts
you must believe that before the beginning of the world that God knew you.He did give you a free will in that He gave you the most important decision of your eternity---Will you believe in Jesus Christ and that He is risen and He will be back to gather His church? I believe you have made the correct decision. Pray that others will also. All things work for good that believe on him.
Amanda, thank you for visiting my blog! I also don't believe in "coincidence" - when it comes to other people's lives. If you don't mind I would like to continue following your blog and praying for you. You obviously have some things that are weighing heavy on your heart...I pray the Lord makes CLEAR to you His will. I believe when you have committed your life to Him and have learned to want only what He wants for you...He puts desires in your heart. I stayed pretty confused as a teen...even in a christian college, but it was because I was still a carnal Christian wanting my fleshly desires to be what God wanted for me. I have tremendous scars from seeking after my own will...ones that cannot be forgotten and still hurt. God does work all things together for good, but for that time in my life I missed out on God's BEST for me. I NEVER want to make that mistake again.
It sounds like you genuinely want what the Lord has in store for you and I will pray that you continue towards that blessing of seeking God's best for your life.