So I thought it would be fun to look at some recaps of 2008.

Let's see... I'm having trouble remembering things, looking back through pics for help...

January...ummm... Probably was starting to be conned into the 08 Namibia trip which I swore I wasn't going on.
Also was our winter youth retreat with the youth group! It was such a neat weekend for me, to see the kids bonding and finally seeing a hint of unity amidst our diverse group of kids.


February... SJ's 19th Birthday! We took a road trip to Boston to Celebrate.


March... 11th- My dad's bday, 31st- My Mom's bday!!!



April.. I took some big steps in upgrading my car :)


May... This was a very eventful month and I was probably thinking, it's been a year since I graduated from BBC, what should I do with my life?
I also went for a roadtrip down to Florida with the Shaw's! :) I remember long car rides, complete with lots of Sister Hazel and Bruce Springstein, being back at Disney for the first time since I was five, and having a blast spending time with a really great family. Oh yeah and the palm trees. LOVED them.


May was also a time for a visit down to BBC to see my friend Shirley Graduate. It was also the 30 hour famine which was a time to see the kids sleep in cardboard boxes and put their faith in action by bringing sandwiches to the homeless in the streets of Nashua. It also ended with a church service where the kids shared and Dieter was in town to preach and put so many things in perspective.


June... I turned 21 and was overwhelmed with the amount of love I felt from family, friends, coworkers and students.


June also was the end of the school year at my first "real job." I was thinking how blessed I was that God put such an amazing little boy in my life to work with, because I am definetly not the same person because of him in so many ways. June also held a random trip to Maine and a memorable walk with my grandfather, and lots of 21st bday outings. :)

July... Oh Namibia. I really didn't think I would be back there. I didn't think I would be a team leader again. But life sure surprises you. :)



August- Also a very busy and memorable month. It started out with a roadtrip to boston with kayleena, a dinner cruise with the fam, Andrew's 14th birthday and my first patriot's game!


September- A new school year. I also made a big decision to go back to school, and somehow went from baptist school to catholic, I just want to cover all my bases. ;) We had our labor day kick off party, SJ got his white lab coat, had my first and last King Kone of the season, and took a roadtrip to Vermont so my mom could have a break.


October- Corn Maze, Pumpkin Festival, and seeing old friends.


November- Thanksgiving!!!! Always a crazy time to get together with family! ;) Then there was the yearly turkey bowl and I got bangs for the first time since I was about 8, which therby followed lots of sarah palin comments. Then our crazy black friday outing.


December- Ice storms, Power outages, my Nana... :) Oh boy, let's remember the good times, like Parties and friends and our Savior's birth.


It's been quite a year. Happy 2009 Everyone! Looking forward to many amazing and crazy things to come! :)

No one knows what the future holds
Except the one who made it all
But it's alright with me
maybe my dreams just aren't meant to be.

I'm too young or maybe too old
to know what this life is about
But faith is what always pulls me through
The doors are wide open now.



I need to start writing and playing again. But I'm really thinking about the next couple of years. What do I want to see happen? How does God want me to spend these next couple of years? I know we are not guaranteed anything, but I really don't think there is anything wrong with having an idea or dreaming.

So many options. Like this website:
http://www.teachabroad.com/search.cfm

I looked into Namibia and Greece and there are so many options, some short term, some long. Some I'm not qualified for yet. But I don't know if I could honestly say I really want to go, part of me does, but then the other part is, what about my family? What about my friends and all the people I love, how do you just leave all of that?

I'm concerned because as of now, there are no class being offered next year that fit my program. :( So then there is the question of transferring, taking the year off, joining the army. haha just kidding on the last one. I just really don't want to be in school forever. I want to get my bachelor's then maybe my master's. I want to teach or work solely with children who have special needs.

The options are endless and at some point I need to remember that I should let nothing hold me back. I need to just run towards Jesus and He will guide me from there. No matter what anyone thinks or no matter how much I want certain people to always be close by. Maybe sometimes when you let go of all the other things, maybe just maybe I could be more brave.

I've been hearing that over and over again. I have accepted that life is difficult and I believe that God is in control. I am almost 100% sure He loves me and that He allows things to happen to those He loves because in some weird, crazy way it brings me closer to Him and glorifies Him. I think I've been over my being angry and running away from God phase for a little bit now, and it feels like a huge weight is lifted. But just because there isn't as much anger and fear, there is still pain. A lot of it. And it tends to hit me when I least expect it. Like tonight, so many things assaulting my mind so quickly that I just shut down. I go into this self preservation mode where I just cry and want to escape any people around me. People tend to ask too many questions before I'm ready for them.

Tears were spilling down my face as I listened to lyrics of songs that talked about pain and hurt. I just don't understand why people are so... awful. I don't understand why I have to be holding my mom's hand because Christmas doesn't bring "merriment" because now it feels to all of us to signify the end of what she thought was a beginning. I don't understand why things keep coming and coming. But there are so many real life stories of people who went through awful things, like we heard tonight, and they are capable of doing great things. I think that somehow pain brings beauty in the end. Although most of the time I feel anything but beautiful.

Tonight just reminded me all the more that I just wish I could feel God like I do a friend. I know God is always there. I know I can pray to Him and read my bible and spend time with Him. But what does it mean for God to be your everything. What does that mean when all I want is for someone to walk through my mess of a life with me, remind me that things will be okay. Why do I always want something that God can fill, or is it maybe deep down I feel He can't fill that spot? I just for once, want to feel taken care of. I want to be held, I want to have someone do little things throughout the day to make me smile. My whole life has been spent trying to take care of others. It brings me joy, I love to encourage people and help others.

I guess I'm just feeling selfish tonight. I'm just trying so hard to let God be the one to comfort me, but sometimes I just wish I could physically feel His presence. I just wish I could honestly say that God meets all my needs, so then why do I still feel so empty sometimes and like something is missing?

So I've been thinking that I could probably write a book on my experiences this past week alone.

More to come...

My heart feels so burdened tonight. I'm hurting for my brother, for my mom. From recent tests it was found that Andrew's epilepsy has now spread throughout his entire brain instead of the spot it was before. He has also been having some weird dizzy spells this week, which we assumed were side effects from his new meds but the doctors don't think so. So we are off to the emergency room at Children's tomorrow. I just feel scared.

God says not to be afraid, that He is with us. I know that and I do know He is there, I just miss the closeness I once felt with Him, where I felt I knew Him. I miss feeling genuine in my faith where I felt an overflow out of my heart instead of feeling like I have to force it. I know God knows me better than anyone else, and I believe He loves me even though I don't understand why. I just want to be true and pure and set apart and sincere. I want Jesus to be what I live for. I just wish I could feel it. I know that God doesn't change when my emotions do. But does anyone ever feel like this whole faith thing is crazy? That this whole story, that there is a heaven, that Jesus is alive, that when I confessed with my mouth and believed with my whole heart almost 8 years ago, that the wrath of God was replaced with love and forgiveness... doesn't it sound crazy? Praise God that just because my heart is confused and unsure it doesn't change who God is and what I believe. I think that faith is believing when you can't see, through the doubt and uncertainties. Continuing to struggle and fight and hold on when everything is screaming at you to just give up.

Sometimes I wonder why it feels like it's just one big thing after another. Why my family has had to go through so much. All I know is I don't know. But I don't feel anger, I just feel tired. I just pray that God would grow my faith to trust in Him. I'm not sure what they will say tomorrow, and who knows maybe the tests will reveal some good news, but I just hope we would seek Him no matter what they say. Please pray for my family.


"You are my strength when I am weak,
You are the treasure that I seek,
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all."

Well everyone, we survived! :) Yessss!!!

I'm trying so hard to end these 30 days with an inspirational post, but I feel blank today. Constantly thinking of all the things I should do.

I guess I'm glad I just stuck to this. I've been struggling so much with discipline lately, so I'm glad I could at least stick to something.

Happy Almost December!!! :)

The Holiday Stroll was tonight. It was pretty fun. I always love the atmosphere. My head was elsewhere though. I've been struggling with forgiveness today. When people hurt you and your family it just takes so much time to heal. All I kept thinking today helping my mom and seing all his crap everywhere is how much I STRONGLY dislike him.

I'm wondering how this Christmas will go. My mom told me the other day never to get married on Christmas eve. I know we will probably never be able to listen to Jim Brickman anymore... so many things will be different. It's so hard watching my mom just hanging on. It's so hard for me to trust and forgive. Hard to love without being scared of being hurt. So hard to be myself when you don't want to let your guard down.

But I am still looking forward to the Christmas season, the lights, the music, the special services at church. Surprisingly even though I was feeling all of this, I did pretty well at keeping it in check. So I'm thankful to God for teaching me that when I focus on Him and ask for help, He truly can take my burdens.

I had a really great Thanksgiving. Although I can barely move today from the turkey bowl yesterday haha. :) I went black friday shopping with erica, manda, katie, and emma. It was fun to get out and see the Christmas season starting to kick off.

I've listened to lots of music today, and have been in a very musical mood. Listened to my new mix cd, the new taylor swift cd which has many lovey dovey songs on it so of course i love it :), and I watched walk the line which I bought for $3.98at target this morning. I love that movie. Johnny Cash has such a rollar coaster life and made so many bad decisions, I'm not sure if he turned around like he did in the end of the movie. But the movie still served as a good reminder that no one is without hope.

I'm so excited for the Holiday stroll tomorrow, and I have two concerts to go to next week!

Plus only two days left to this blogging challenge. :)

What I'm Thankful for:

T he best family
H aving a warm house
A mazing friends who love me for me
N o longer being made fun of for last year at the turkey bowl ;)
K ids, little ones to teenagers, helping them gives my life meaning
S pring, summer, winter, fall
G eorgie :)
I ce cream
V ery unique oppurtunities
I nteresting conversations, laughter, joy, and fun
N amibian friends
G oing places, having the oppurtunity to travel

I have a lot to be thankful for, and I know I don't always remember that. But I know I'm thankful for life and second chances, the ability to love and be loved, to experience life, to smile, to cry, forgiveness, to live life to the fullest.

What are you thankful for?

Happy Thanksgiving! Much love and blessings!

After some "helpful" hints from a few guys, I finally filled my car with Windshield wiper fluid. It wasn't hard at all, and I didn't use directions. Once I found the tab that had windshield wipers on it I just filled 'er up. I am completley car knowledge deficient, which makes me feel a bit ignorant. I think part of it is I've never really had anyone to show me. So I've decided that I should learn some of the basic skills. :)

In other news, I am Oh so excited for Thanksgiving tomorrow! Football, friends, family, and good food! Should be a great day! :)

It's so nice to have SJ home. The house doesn't feel so empty now. I had the chance to hang out with my coworkers daughter again! It was a lot of fun. We went to high school musical 3, and yes most of it was incredibly cheesy. But the cheoreography wasn't so bad, and it talked a lot about the issues that seniors in high school face, although I'm convinced that things like, making big decisions or deciding what you are supposed to do, are life dilemmas that never go away.

I am excited for my next 5 days off work, just hoping I can fill it up with some fun things along with the stressful family get togethers! :)

work, home for a short time, just long enough to fall down the stairs and probably have a nice bruise on my butt, then youth group which as usual was a ton of fun. Tonight's topic was communion and it was a great reminder about searching our hearts.
Now it's time for bed.

The Holidays are fast approaching! Looking forward to working only Monday and tuesday this week! Also having a bit longer to work on homework and all that fun stuff. I love the first signs of christmas. I love hot apple cider and hot cocoa, I'm even looking forward to snow (as long as the big storms hold off till closer to christmas :) I'm looking forward to events like the holiday stroll, and wearing more red. :P

I've been listening to the relient k christmas cd for awhile, and am beginning to pull all my other stuff out again. I'm sure if you were a fly on a wall you will begin to hear lots of mercy me, josh groban, trans-siberian orchestra, and all my other good christmas music mixes.

But, it's not Christmas yet! :) First comes Thanksgiving which is always good times, I'm especially looking forward to the Turkey Bowl!

The abc family has been playing non-stop christmas movies so that also doesn't help in avoiding getting in the christmas spirit! :)

Can't sleep, dreaming again, but is dreaming really living?


I don't know what that means as it is late and I am very over tired. hehe :) but it sounded cool at almost 1 in the morning.

I had a fun night hanging out with my mom and auntie kelly and went out to dinner.

Will blog more tomorrow. Too busy, but I think I did awesome on my mid term! yay :)

Tonight needs to be a late night if I can stay awake. Yikes. Tomorrow is gonna be crazy. Work, study group, class-taking the ed psych mid term, comin home to make soup for work the next day, going to see twilight with a few of the girls at 12:01 am friday morning. Tomorrow will be a coffee day! :)

So... I'm working on an assignment for my educational psych class. Last minute of course :) I am also watching a movie called "a ghost in the darkness" and it's about killer lions eating humans. I'm scared, but my co-worker jeff is making me watch it. That's what I get for telling him about the "stay in your car" signs... woops.

So anyways, it will be fun to see where the few friends I asked the question of will fit in Kohlberg's levels of moral development. Also if there is a difference in answers based on age or gender.

I love the class, but I think I would love it more if I didn't have a midterm thursday night. yikers.

I had a great oppurtunity today to hang out with my co-workers daughter and chat about some things going on her life. Although I now got her addicted to starbucks peppermint hot chocolate, so I'm sure her mom will be loving me... :)

It's times like these where I feel God is using the experiences in my life to help others. One thing I have blogged a ton about and have always struggled with, is self worth. Not feeling good enough, feeling unworthy of love. Today looking into a young girls eyes and telling her the same things I wish rung true in my heart, made my heart soften and understand something about myself. I saw a young girl in pain over the divorce of her parents. I saw in her eyes and quiet nature that she was dealing with feeling unloved. It was one of those times where I truly saw how young she was and all that she was faced with. I felt myself flash back to remembering that I went through so much by the time I was this girls age. And for the first time in awhile, when I said out loud that it wasn't her fault that her parents got a divorce, It's like I realized that it wasn't my fault with mine either. That just like I told her, I am worthy of love. My past holds no grip on me, I am not dirty because of things done to an innocent child. I am not unworthy of love because I have seen 3 "father figures" come and go. That doesn't change anything. I pray more than anything that this young girl does not go through the emotional turmoil I went through and will probably continue to struggle with the rest of my life. I pray that when I told her she is worthy of love and that the things that have happened weren't her fault, that she will listen and believe. So I'm thankful for a time to chat with a young girl, and even though I wanted to be a help for her, it's amazing how she truly helped me realize more about myself.

Also tonight at youth group we did an activity that just the thought of it has always made me cringe.... washing each others feet. The interesting thing is I honestly would have rather washed the 20 or so people's feet in the group before letting them touch mine. It's not like I have gross feet or anything, it's just the vulnerability of the situation. The symbolic surrending yourself to someone else, and trusting them. I really don't know what I've always been afraid of because truth is, it was a very amazing experience. I mean what's the worst that could happen? Someone might tell me my feet stink, hehe, but truly what has always scared me? I think it ties back to before; Not feeling worthy or comfortable enough, to put myself out there in such a vulnerable position. So it was cool to see how earlier I was beginning to see that I'm worthy of love, and then being pushed to the test this evening by doing something I have always been weary of.

The other awesome part was seeing my 14 year old brother. The one that makes fun of me, is verbally abusive most of the time, but watching him wash the feet of one of his peers. Sure I was laughing watching him accomplish the task in an awkward fashion, but I couldn't help but feel my eyes well up, feeling so proud of my brother and all these kids doing something the world would find completley crazy. It brought us together for awhile, and I am thankful for the example Jesus left. To serve. To serve others, not for gratitude or for fame, but to genuinly love and do things that others wouldn't imagine.

1. What do you add to your coffee? enough to get rid of the taste of the coffee ;) hehe, I actually like it better now, but my favorite is peppermint mochas at starbucks
2. What are you reading now? Um... nothing right now, I've just been obsessed with the twilight series
3. Do you own a gun? Sorry, this one made me laugh... hehe! :)
4. Are you registered to vote? Yes! I voted for my first time this year!
5. What do you think of Hot Dogs? I like them.
6. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Yes, I'm not a fan of being asked to take my clothes off, put on a giant piece of paper and be freezing cold while being asked a bunch of questions and being poked. But they are doing their job.
7. Favorite Christmas Song? I LOVEEEE Christmas music, too hard to decide. I've already been listening to it! :)
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Honestly it depends, right now carnation instant breakfast
9. Can you do push ups? ahaha... not well... at all.
10. What was the name of your first boyfriend? I've never had a boyfriend... :( hehe
11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry? My purity ring... that keeps turning black... i'm beginning to doubt the qaulity, and my blue topaz ring from my mom.
12. Favorite Hobby? Hmmm... anything music, latley listening to it.
13. Do you work with people who idolize you? Not idolize, but I am told on a daily basis that 99% of people would not do my job, and I get lots of hugs daily. It's great!
14. Do you have ADD? Sometimes lately I feel like I do. Always having to be on guard at work makes it hard to sit through meetings and 3 hour classes.
15. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself? Oh gosh... too many, my jealous nature, being overly emotional... still learning what my psych prof. calls, "self-acceptance"
16. What’s your middle name? Elizabeth
17. Name three things you bought yesterday? Linner at Panera!
18. Name three thoughts you had just now. What should I do? I don't know. Why am I so indesicive?
19. Name 3 beverages you regularly drink. Water, diet soda, coffee
20. Current worry right now? Ugh, breakfast with my entire extended family or go to church. breakfast might win because my uncle is here from wisconson
21. Favorite place to be? Traveling, adventures
22. How did you bring in the New Year? Ummm, mariany's/shenanigans
23. Where would you like to go? Australia, Greece, Italy, Hawaii, Texas, Bermuda again, Ireland.... Namibia of course
24. What color shirt do you have on? Gray/dark gray
25. Can you whistle? Defientley more the past couple of years, the little boy I work with whistles up a storm

If you want some great new music, check out my new friend, Charlie Chronopoulos' Website here.



In other news I was at Panera for 3 1/2 hours today, but I cranked out a ton of homework so that was pretty awesome. I'm starting to feel a bit overwhelmed with the homework load of one of my classes and I have the midterm thursday night, so I'm praying I can stay on task and not only survive this course, but pass as well!

I'm thinking a lot lately about what makes me happy. Trying so hard this week to focus on positive things and smile and enjoy life. So far it is working pretty well, and it's been a pretty good week despite some mishaps at work.

It was quite a rainy day today, but oh so profitable, so thank you God for helping me stay on task for so long, despite my recent ADHD type symptoms.

I went out with Meghan tonight and had way too much fun! We went to this resteraunt that was beautiful and way too expensive. Phantom Gourmet was there filming, so that was kind of cool. We had front row seats to this awesome band. It was so nice to get out after a couple of somewhat stressful days at work.

My Posts have been so short, and for that I apologize, but that's what happens when you have this annoying thing called homework.

Tomorrow is Pajama day, Pizza party, and movie, for my little guy's class. :) So that should make for a fun day!

I'm looking forward to it being friday tomorrow. I have no plans, but that will be good so I can hopefully crank out some homework. Only 3 more weeks left for these classes! :) YAY!

This is why I shouldn't be allowed to plan youth group games! :) So Much fun!

I just finally got the assignments done that I needed to get done! yay. But now I am exhausted and my bed and electric blanket are calling my name. It's been so chilly!!!

Goodnight. More tomorrow.

So I'm cheating. I zonked out last night without posting and woke up with a start early on my day off to make up for it. :)

So let's see my thoughts on November 10th were that I love the youth group at CCA. I love planning games and being apart of small groups and guiding them in discussing questions. Lisa and I took the Junior High girls for our small group and it was awesome. The girls stayed mostly on topic the whole time (that is huge!) and thoughtfully answered questions. We were discussing the two commandments Jesus gave and it was neat to see the lightbulbs going off in their heads when discussing the questions.

Germaine played a video on You Tube that took a bunch of scripture and made it a love letter from our Father. The girls in our group said they thought the video felt "stalkerish" thinking about God knowing everything and being there in everything. I on the otherhand felt so loved. I was overwhelmed with the thoughts of Psalm 139 and thinking that God knows everything I've done, everything I am, all my imperfections, all the times I turn away from Him, all the times I doubt, all the times I want to go my way... and... He loves me. He loves me before I mess up, while I'm messing up, and still after I mess up. When I think about myself I don't understand why anyone would want to love me. Yet was overwhelmed with the thought that God loves me. He still loves me.

Today in church my heart felt lighter than it has in awhile. I was reminded in the sermon and the songs that we sang that Jesus came to save sinners. Sometimes I feel like I am the biggest one of all, so it was a really good reminder for me to know that truly because of Jesus I am set free. That when I rest in Him sin has no place in my life.

In other news I had a great evening with the girls last night, so tired now but it was worth it.

My Papou, who I love to death, but who is 91 informed me today that I better watch my weight and lose some and start looking good because if I don't find a man by 24/25I'm screwed. It was a great half hour conversation where I smiled and nodded and tried to convince myself over and over that he wants what's best for me. He also told andrew to watch his weight so that made me feel a little better cuz Andrew is a stick. I could definetley afford to lose some weight but having a relative say it over and over gets old quickly.

I LOVE my new haircut! Thanks Lis!!! :)

So I am in the middle of watching Indiana jones. Kayleena, Gwen, Katie and Kelly are here and we are having a... "Shia Marathon" they are obsessed. So if I can stay awake we will also be watching Disturbia and Transformers. I made dinner and we had salad, chicken parm, and I made dirt for dessert... you know that yummy stuff you eat as a kid.

I have a new haircut and I love it! Thanks Lis!!! :)

3 Chords played last night and they sounded great!

Sorry my posts have been so short. I haven't been very creative lately.

Going out to see my favorite band play tonight!!! Making sure I'm writing something before I forget, haha. :)

I get to spend some time with lisa tonight and I am so excited because we haven't had some quality girl time for quite awhile, so it will be nice.

Listening to Bethany Dillon today, and there was a song called, I belive in you. Sometimes our friends can see the hope in our lives when we can't.

I'm praying hard this evening for my friend and partner in crime at work and am really hoping that there will not be bad news tomorrow.

I must do my homework.

Lots of talk about the end times today.

I've been wicked tired the past couple of nights, like wanting to go to sleep at 8... weird...

The End.

Today I walked into a small gym, where I approached the lady with the clip board of last names A-L. She then checked my name off and pointed me to the ballot lady. The ballot lady then gave me the precious folded piece of paper, not the cheap kind, it was thicker, and the words Official Ballot were on the front. She also gave me a sticker, where if I wanted to I could have gone to Starbucks for a free cup of coffee. Then I saw the curtains. I approached them confidently, looked for one that no legs were visible underneath, and found a good spot towards the end. I closed the curtain and instantly felt more grown up. I opened the piece of paper, read the directions, because I want my vote to count, and started the process. 3/4 of the names I didn't recognize, but I made a distinct "x" next to McCain and Palin. I folded the paper up, and walked to the Ballot Collectors who took my name and address and crossed off my name so I couldn't vote more than once. And then it went... into the box with all the other votes. I voted for the first time today, and it felt so cool.

The End.

Hairstyles: I'm gonna hang out with Lis on Friday and am possibly bringing back a hairstyle I haven't had since I was 8. I guess you will just have to wait and see...

The Election: Tomorrow is my first time being able to vote ever. I'm kind of excited... mainly because it will all be over.

The Pharisees: Why is it so east to create our own rules and regulations and lose sight of what truly matters... believing in and loving Jesus?

Quote from my Educational Psych Class:

"We Remember...
10% of what we read
20% of what we hear
30% of what we see
50% of what we see and hear
70% of what we discuss with others
80% of what we experience personally
95% of what we teach"

This quote scares me, because this is proof that teaching is difficult. It's hard to make learning fun and memorable, and as a hopeful future teacher someday, this quote is really eye opening for me.


My prayer for the evening:

"Open the eyes of my heart Lord, I want to see you."

I'm listening to the song "Wedding Dress" by Derek Webb and am thinking about sin and how it takes away from God. The distraction it plays to pull us away from Him and everything I strive to live for. Does anyone else ever get frusterated with how weak we can be or how self-righteous we can be in judging others when we are capable of the same things?


In other news from my deep thinking I want to watch gilmore girls season 7. I also have a good amount of homework. blah.

I am taking the NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) Challenge! It's with Pastor Darin and Jackie though so it will be all good :)

I'm still trying to decide on where I will be posting, but for today it's right here!

The haunted house went over pretty well. Gotta go tear things down today and then I can close the book on it and be done!

So I have some random thoughts about last night's haunted house and halloween and in general that I'm trying to work through...

The first is that it was kind of fun to be scary, mainly with the older kids. I was actually feeling quite amused all evening. I heard everything from "you're not scary," to "ahhh!! you're so scary" to pure shrieks just from pointing a fake black rose in their direction. I also got hit on by about 5 junior high boys. My favorite was the one that sat down next to me, took off his mask, waved his hair around like that annoying prince in shrek. Then proceeded to tell me that he was already an "eternal vampire" ahahaha. It was hysterical. But some things weren't so funny.

Motherly instints that surprised me were coming out last night. Do you know what it's like to see about 40+ students from the school that you work at walk through? Some were fine and smiled at me when they recognized me and were giggling at my costume and said, "Hi Miss LaFave!" But then you had the others that walked through with pure terror on their face. I immediatley took my fake teeth out and spoke loud and clear saying it's all pretend and I got my costume at a store just like they did. But a few of the kids I knew really well still looked at me with such fear in their eyes and struggled with wondering if they could trust me even though I was offering them candy without having to go into the vault. Those looks are what I've been thinking about this morning. It's amazing how easy it is to fall in love with the students you work with and that urge in me that jumps out to do whatever I can to protect them. I know it was all fun and games, but some of the kids were so young and the fear in their eyes was unmistakable and it left me feeling awful. Hopefully at school on monday they will be all smiles and say that they saw me. But I can't help but wonder if some of the trust they had in me might be gone.

I also was thinking about an analogy. When we are faced with fear we lose sight of everything. I do that with God. When I am faced with a situation that scares me or angers me my faith completley shatters and it's because I am so in the situation I lose sight of the One in control. Just like the kids who knew they could trust me, couldn't even look at me or listen to the words of comfort I spoke because they were dwelling in fear.

Does anyone ever wonder how Job did it? I don't get it, the slightest thing and I feel my faith crumble. I don't want to be like that. Is it because Job had a good life and had years of practicing his faith without trials? I wonder if that makes the difference? In my case however I have been through some awful things in my 21 years before I accepted Christ, and up till now. My life has been up, down, sideways, all over the place. So I can't help but wonder... if Job's years of practice of getting to know God without facing trials, and the distraction and pain that come with them, made his faith what it was? So that when He finally was faced with trials He was ready for them?

Is that my problem? That maybe I have never truly gotten to a point of knowing and loving God deep enough so that when I come face to face with a trial I don't lose sight of my trust in Him? It was like the older kids that went through the haunted house, years of practice and experience gave them the wisdom that everything was pretend. That was why more of the older kids were able to go through the haunted house and break a smile. Maybe in my faith I am still the small child who is doubting and wondering what is true and real. Maybe I haven't had enough time to stand up before the next thing knocks me back to my knees.

I truly have no idea, but I would like to hear from others about my analysis of Job's life. Do you think the lack of trials in his life up until the time they all hit played a big part in making his faith stronger?

This is going to be very random because I'm starting to feel guilty that I haven't been blogging...

There are so many things I want to do before Christmas. I want to go to NYC and see everything all lit up and beautiful. I want to go to the beach when it's snowing... just because I think that must be beautiful as well. I want to go to Pennsylvania to see my friends! Well... I guess that's not such a long list :)

In other news I'm addicted to a fiction book series about a girl who falls in love with a vampire. Definetley not anything I thought I'd ever read but a lot of my friends have been raving about them. I really enjoyed the books and am looking forward to the movie coming out!!!

I finally have a work buddy as of monday so my stress has gone down A LOT!

I'm heading up a crew to help out with the haunted house at Charlie's.


There I blogged.... :)

What a rough few days. After talking with my mom and a really sweet co-worker of mine who is like my mom at work, I told them I needed a break. I have had two days off but they have been anything but days off. I have been completley miserable and really struggling. These past three weeks have been filled with anxiety attacks, self hatred, and just plain awful thoughts. I am in the middle of a spiritual battle with myself. I don't know if any of you know what it's like to feel the constant fear that there is someone in your past coming to kill you or not being able to sleep at night because you could swear someone is in your house. I have those fears, to an unrealistic point. On top of that I struggle everyday with seeing the worth in myself. My job has been taking a toll on me this year, and I just started taking classes at school. And to top it all off, my faith has been shaking for some time. The thing is I don't want to give up. Even though my mind and body might want to rebel, my heart doesn't. I don't want Satan to win, I want Jesus to finish the work He started in me. I want to see a glimmer again of that passionate thirteen year old who had no doubts in her mind about who she was living for.

I'm going to see a psychiatrist tomorrow. I had been on a medicine for anxiety and depression but stopped taking it in Namibia. I think the big reason was because I felt like people would see me as weak or taking the easy way out. And if anyone disagrees with taking medicine, I know where you are coming from. I have been that way for a long time. But I don't feel the same about it anymore. I think that God put doctor's on this earth to help us. I agree that medicine is overprescribed, but that there are some people who genuinely need it. I do not want to be on medicine for the rest of my life, but I feel like I am one of those people who needs it right now. I have a long history of family members with depression and anxiety, and I have been through a lot of things in my young life that have only added to that. But I'm willing to admit that I am weak and that I need help. I don't want to waste this short life feeling like someone is just around the corner waiting for me, or being unhappy. I want to enjoy life and to be able to look back and know that I lived to my fullest. To do this I need something to stabalize my moods and bring my anxiety level down. I'm just thankful that God has put me in a church where I get to build into the lives of others, because it's in those moments I do feel worth and have time to forget about myself and help teenagers who may be struggling with similar things.

But just know that I am really having a hard time, and that it's in these times that I start to feel worthless, and wish I had someone who would remind me that I'm not and feel like they would protect me. Then my mind moves to wondering what is wrong with me that I don't have someone like that. So as you can see, my thought processes always end up with, "it's my fault."

But I'm not going to give up and I've been singing these words acapella in my car the whole ride home tonight.

"I believe You're my healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my portion,
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need."
~Hillsong

So if you think of it, an encouraging note or praying for me would be greatly appreciated. I just need a reminder that I'm not alone, and I'm praying that God would show up in a way that would blow my mind and remind me of that.

"Nothing is impossible for You."

My Mom: How is it that in the hardest times she never loses faith and always wonders what God is trying to teach her. She is so strong and I want more than anything to be more like that.



Procrastinating: I am so distracted and have done everything but my homework. Now that it's 9:30 I really should make this quick and get it done! hehe.

Music: Jesse and Lisa, you will be so proud to know that I just picked up the guitar and played for about a half hour. It felt so good, I'm not quite sure why I've been avoiding it because it is so therapeutic for me. I am so wanting to get my music recorded and to start writing again. Jesse you are so right, yours sounds MUCH better and I already can't wait for geetar shopping in October! PS: I still gotta talk to you about lessons...

God: I'm realizing more and more that I don't know anything. I feel like I need to go back to the basics and do studies in John and the gospels and remember who I am and who God is. Pastor Darin, you will be getting a call soon because I'd love to go over all of this with you!

Love: After watching far too many chick flicks with the Shaw girls this weekend, along with depressing myself with the new Josh Bales album (so good!), the new John Mayer album (SO GOOD!) and some new Relient K... I'm realizing that I am torn. I'm torn because I desire and crave that feeling of love and wanting to journey through life with that someone else, yet on the other hand, I battle daily in my mind with negativity. I battle with my idea of men. My step-dad got kicked out of the house two weekends ago. Yet another reminder that the men in my life for the most part really screw up. It's so hard to believe that someone would ever want to love me, protect me, and want to share life with me. It's hard to believe that there is someone romantic, patient, and loving. Someone who will make a good father. Someone who pushes me to be better and who doesn't let me get comfortable with where I am at. Someone who loves God and will be a good husband. Someone who is practical and good with directions to keep me from getting lost. :) Someone who shares my dreams, hopes and passions of traveling, music, and ministry. Not only do I struggle with believing that, I also struggle with trusting God to bring the right person into my life. There I said it...
It's so hard to say I don't trust You. To say that I trusted You before and that for some reason I must have heard You wrong, because I was so sure. It's hard to admit that I'm scared and that even if You brought the right person along, I'm scared of not being good enough. That I wouldn't make a good wife or mom. I'm scared of getting hurt again, and even more scared that there is no one out there. I'm scared of love. I'm scared of love because every time I have been vulnerable, I've been hurt. It's so draining to fight everyday and remember that You are not like that. That You, God, are trustworthy and loving and my protector. Please help me to stop worrying about trying to stop loving someone and also wondering who that someone should be. I just want to be rid of it all. To love You and only You. To become more of the woman You desire me to be. To bring me back to You even though I have been rebelling and trying to make my own path and have lost my identity and have forgotten who You are along the way. God please bring me back and break away everything. I am so tired of running and trying to figure out who I am. Help me to remember the purpose of why I'm here.

Youth Group: Because of night classes I won't be able to help out at monday night youth group for awhile. I know that God is going to use this time, but it's also reminding me how much I stinkin love those kids and how much I am going to miss it. God really woke me up to youth ministry at the beginning of my junior year in high school. It was right after I got back from Namibia for the first time and I was completley depressed. I begged God and asked Him what He wanted for my life. He said youth ministry, and since then my life has truly never been the same. I have realized my love for something that always makes me feel whole and makes me feel like I'm right where I need to be. Thankfully relationships don't end just because I can't be there on monday nights. So I'm looking forward to all that God is going to do in the lives of these kiddos this year!

I'm taking a break from the blogging world for awhile. Just wanted to get that out in the open so I don't have to keep feeling guilty about not writing. So to all my loyal fans... once I get my life in order, I will be back.

"I see the King of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes
I see His love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, the people sing

[Chorus]
Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest (x2)

I see a generation
Rising up to take the place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith
I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees

[Bridge]
Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your Kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
~Hillsong


Father, help me to desire the things of Your heart. That my heart would be the slightest resemblance of Yours. Help me to love like You, and to share with others the wonders of everything You are.

June 28, 2004 (Just turned 17, right before my first trip to Namibia)

I'm not sure how I'm feeling at this moment. It's weird but the sense of piece I felt in my last entry is something I'm not really feeling right now. I really like this journal and I'm glad Lisa got it for me. She said she thought of me when she saw it, and she thought it would be good for when I go to Namibia to record my thoughts and things I learn. I'm leaving in exactly one month tomorrow. I'm having mixed feelings about the whole thing though. I am very excited and I know this trip will have a huge impact in my life. I guess I'm just worried at what those changes might be. I trust God with everything... it's just that I've never liked change, it's scary and new. Changes in my life have been good in the past once I adjust... it's just hard at first.

June 29, 2004

In my first entry I mentioned the book "Wild at Heart" and how some of the things had hit me. One of the things that touched my heart is when he says that in every "beauty" there is a desire to be rescued, and in every "knight" there is a desire to rescue the "beauty." He also states that some other desires of a woman is for her to know if she is lovely or worth pursuing. These two hit me so hard because next he ties these to "father wounds." He says there are two ways a father can cripple his daughter, if he is abusive or passive. Unfortunetly, I've had to deal with both. I guess that scares me because those are the desires of my heart... The only father that has said I am worth it and I am lovely is God. I know it's enough, I just know I missed out on something big, and it's a constant reminder espcially when I see Pastor Darin and his girls. Even though I've tried to push those feelings away... I really wish I had had an earthly father who made me feel like I live up to God's answers. Instead, even now I feel ashamed, guilty, dirty and unloved. Alot of people don't understand why I still feel this way but at times I do. It's weird but lately I keep thinking about marriage. It's something I want more than anything. I guess I just want the chance to feel a man love and protect me, and I want someone to cuddle with and to share my dreams. I want to marry a knight... I want someone who is willing to fight for me. I want someone who loves God more than me, and I want to know that I am lovely and worth fighting for. I love you God.
<3 always, Mandy

Picture- Did you notice that I changed the once scenery picture to a cool picture I took of my flip flops a couple months ago?

Music- I added my playlist from myspace to my blog! =) The first song on the playlist is one of my new favorites. I heard it for the first time at MCC last Sunday when I visited. It's a beautiful song.

Who I was, has made who I am- The title (at least for now) of a new segment I am going to be adding to my blog. I will be posting at least once a week from journals of my past. I have found myself reading back through entries I wrote even as early as thirteen and it's neat to look back on and remember all that God was doing. And possibly even see how some of my readers have made an impact in my life, dun dun dun.

What does this mean?!?- I hope to start posting every now and again about confusing topics in the bible that may be controversial. Or maybe bringing up questions that I always don't know how to answer when explaining my faith to others. I'm hoping that through this segment that I will continue learning.

Imprint of the week- I hope to post weekly about something that left an imprint on my heart. A conversation, song lyrics, verse, quote, picture... you get the idea.

I hope that by posting some regular segments (I'm copying Pastor Darin, hehe) that I can get more of a hold on this whole blogging world that I'm really coming to love and enjoy!


Thanks for reading! =)

"There is no place in all the world You do not call Your own.
Creator of all peoples every, nation every tongue.
From every corner of the earth, boundless is Your reign.
Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, hear us sing Your praise.

We Your people call to You, asking for Your help.
God be merciful to those whose pain we�ve never felt.
Give them rest from worldly sorrow,
Bless them Lord with food to eat.
We ask You, Gentle Shepherd call,
The ones that are Your sheep.

All seeing Lord now look to those in city and in field,
Who seek to spread Your fame and love,
this broken world to heal.
See Your persecuted children, soothe their violent wounds.
In their weakness be their strength, that they might hope in You.

Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, may Your kingdom come
In all the earth as it is in heaven, may Your will be done.
In all the world in all our hearts, Jesus You are King.
We wait, we hope, we trust, we know,
Your face we soon shall see."
~Josh Bales

The sun sets delicatley, but with bursts of color. This is still only a backdrop to the beauty of what is before me. Children run in the streets, laughing and smiling, playing together. One community but on their own seperate journeys to what they call home before it gets too dark. I smile, thinking that I am so blessed to have been able to spend the day with them. A chill begins to form in the air as the brilliant pinks and purples on one side, and the golds and reds on the other all blend into navy. The darkening of the sky is only a preperation for something grander. Shimmering lights, none of which are the same, begin to appear. Ready to shine brightly throughout the evening, making their entrance into what could have been nothing but darkness. Some locals walk past me, as I try to continue on my way as well, trying not to trip over my own feet for I cannot help but look up. I start to wonder if I could ever get so used to this sight as to just walk past it? I decide that it would be impossible, and continue my efforts to both gaze into the heavens and methodically move my feet forward.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Every trip to Namibia is so different. Watching it through the eyes of those who have never been before is a learning experience. I observe a 23 year old dancer, her blonde hair moving to the rythym of her dance, but her radiant smile never leaves her face. A young man stands before a crowd to share his gift of music, but it's not the great sound of his guitar or voice that stand out. It's his goofy smile and dancing and love in his eyes for the children in the audience that's memorable. My heart smiles watching two of my youth group kids growing and learning, and serving their God in a way that's meaningful to them. Watching my beautiful friend who has been through so much, come out of her shell and for the first time seeing true joy and purpose in her smile as she gives of herself to those around her. As always I see change and love, and that moment when eyes are opened to the realization that this life is so much bigger than us.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Many smiles are before me, but this time it's different. A generation of people I have never spent time with in Namibia. Wrinkles on faces and hands, and bodies that at their ages should look worn and weathered, but instead are still bursting with life and energy. I am stunned by how appreciative they are, and it begins to sink in that recognition is not in their lifestyle. I am priveledged to spend time with this group. The hard workers, the ones that take care of the children in the community, and all without trying to get something out of it. I am before the humble and selfless, and I am filled with love for them. They sing and dance with smiles that show years of life experience, but more importantly a desire to truly live with nothing holding them back.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"I love to dance," he says to the three guests in his living room. This man in his seventies keeps us laughing the entire length of our visit. All that runs through my mind is that this is a true depiction of joy. Loving with all of his being. A great husband, and caretaker to all of the children in his home. In that short length of time I see what a great man of God looks like.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

We are finally allowed to leave the room and see what the boys have been up to the past couple of hours. I nearly fall over when I see a table with roses and candles. Such time and love was placed into this event that they were so looking forward to. We sit down and are served wine and a delicious meal. In this moment I feel more special than I ever have in my whole life. Tears won't stop running as I try to put into words and explain what I'm feeling to the concerned pairs of eyes looking at me from around the table. I share that no man has ever put this much effort into making me feel special. That I am overwhelmed because I felt so loved and appreciated, and I realized that God desires to sweep me off my feet like this. That when I see a sunset or the stars that they are love letters from His heart to mine. I continue to twirl my rose, and even though tears continue to fall, I smile.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I am pouring my heart out as the group of about 15, eleventh grade girls stare wide eyed at me, holding onto my every word. In that hour I speak about life. I share my past and about the God that has brought me through it all. I cannot contain my passion to encourage and stir the souls inside each of these beautiful girls that God loves so greatly. I wish they could see what I see. The potential, and all the great things they could do if they hang on and don't give up. We share tears and laughter together, gripe about boys, and share our fears. I always get asked why I keep coming back to Namibia. What an easy question. "Because I love you," I say.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

One of my greatest vices is that I am so self concious and worry about what others think. All of that dissapated when my dear friend and I each put in an earbud, and the first notes of "Can you feel the mountains tremble" begins to play. I feel free as I sing at the top of my lungs and dance like an idiot. Quite the contrast to the beautiful ocean in front of me. My smile could not stop even if I focused really hard. A moment of true joy in realizing that God is real, He loves me, and I'm going to live for Him and praise Him with everything in my being.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It's the last day in Arandis. My heart literally hurts as I glance around the congregation worshipping. It's hard to leave a place before you feel you're ready to, but experience has taught me that it's not goodbye, it's "see you soon." My eyes lock across the room with those dark brown, almost black eyes of a certain seven year old. Tears stream down my face as my mind drifts to moments imprinted in my mind and heart. Memories of hugs, smiles, and conversations I've had the past week with a child I met five years ago. At the end of the service, I chase him around the building because he won't come over to me. Finally I pick him up and hold him tight. He runs off again but quickly comes back. I hold him somehow tighter than I did before not wanting to let go. It's moments like this where the desire to pour your heart out wins. So I tell him I'm never going to let go. He just smiles and I tell him I love him and that I'm going to miss him greatly. He once again slips out of my grip and goes to play with his friends. I walk around aimlessly. I cry harder with each conversation I have following that interaction. I have to let go of so many; JP, Marcus, Cyprian, Elaine, Pearl, Chandre, and so many others desperate for a hug. After it's over I stand with my back to the stage staring blurry-eyed over the crowd. I watch the members of my team hold on tightly, each surrounded by children who don't want to let go, but more importantly they don't want to let go either. I suddenly start to feel very alone when little arms from above wrap around me. I take one last look into those deep eyes, and observe that a look of seriousness has taken over the cute, little face before me. He says, "I'm going to miss you too," and then he runs off for the last time.

Trip number 5 is just about to begin.

I'm realizing this year, or understanding more, how hard this trip is for my family especially my mom. It's so hard to let go of the things you love.

Last night, I couldn't find the pillow case I've brought on every trip with me. It's the one thing I know of that I have that was given to me while my mom and dad were still married. It's a source of comfort and home for me. Last night I was also going through an old box of pictures from when my mom and dad were still married and when I was a baby. Needless to say I spent last night bawling my eyes out thinking about how life could have been different, and how I wish I could remember what it was like to have both mom and dad at home. The thought of leaving without the pillow case and certain pictures was too much for me. Because it's a way to bring my mom and dad with me. Yet how much more difficult is it for them to watch me go, which I have done to them for the past four years, and now as of today a fifth year.

Love is by far the most amazing thing, and the most painful thing. Because it hurts like none other leaving those you love behind.

So mommy and daddy I love you both very much, and I know this is hard to watch me go across the world but it's what God wants me to do. I will see you soon. Love you!

Amanda


PS: I found my pillow case, God is oh so GOOD! So now I'm ready to go to Africa. Which is where I will be till July 16th, and will be home the 18th. I'm very excited to be sharing this trip with the people who are going. We have some returning dancers and also some first timers who I am very excited to get to know! So check out the blog and leave some comments.

Namibia 2008 Blogspot

Each of your teammates will have have special gifts and talents. Learn from eachother, help eachother, and get to know one another.

Here are some AMAZING people that you are going to either meet for the first time, or be re-united with.



Pearly is very mature for her age, and always amazes us each year. She is so full of joy and love for others. She is very talented and passionate, and I cannot wait for the dancers to come alongside her once again and make a difference in the lives of so many kids!


Dieter, is one of the most full of life people you will ever meet. He is always joyous and loves his Lord with all of his heart.




Toivo is marrying Casey this summer (last year he was afraid of commitment, so we will see how this year goes!) Toivo is amazing, to say the least. His great sense of humor, and his dreams bring a shining light to Namibia.

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at MagMyPic.com




So while traveling, we all get tired and at times we might not be your favorite people. Pastor Darin isn't lying when he said that the things that bug you about someone here, multiply over there. So be ready to put grace into action.

But on a serious note, these trips always astound me because of how close you get with your teammates in just a short couple of weeks. You become like a family and learn so much about eachother so quickly. I am so excited for the group we have going this year, I'm looking forward to getting to know many of you better!

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at MagMyPic.com


In four days you will be sporting suitcases, traveling to the airport on a sweet bus, and then getting on a plane. It's going to be a long journey, but with a good attitude and trying to make the best of it, it will be great. And believe me, once you get off the final plane and set foot on the Namibian soil, the many hours of traveling fades away and in place is the unexplainable feeling of excitement and this sense that you finally made it home.

To Do List:
~Pack
~Clean room
~Pack
~Walmart run
~Pack
~Fix my sleep pattern
~Pack

Five days till take off and the nerves are definetley starting to kick in. The anxiety about traveling and also just the waiting till tuesday. I'm so excited, don't get me wrong, but as usual the trip snuck up so stinkin fast. So here I am wishing I had a little bit more time. To be honest I never feel prepared enough, I struggle with pushing away expectations. But every year it's amazing. Every year is different. And every year, God comes through.

So teammates. Are you ready?

It's been so long since I last posted, I don't even know where to begin.

All I know is my lack of desire to read, write, and create music is slowly driving me crazy.

Change hurts. Change takes time. Change takes effort and transition. Taking part of any of the previously mentioned activities means change for me. I pick up a book and something strikes a chord. I pick up a pen and my heart doesn't want to give in because the words I write are too raw for me to visually see them. I pick up Geetar and I realize that the music of my heart doesn't match what I want my fingers to play. When avoiding these activities, and as a result avoiding the change that could take place, I am choosing to run.

I've decided why I like to run. When I travel I get to escape my everyday life and a chance to be the person I want to be. To slow down and take time for what's important. When I'm at home, all I can see is all of the things I have to change. What is it that I crave about fresh starts? Even with the knowlege I discovered a long time ago, that running away only tends to make your problems catch up with you that much faster.

So what is it I'm running from? More than I would like to admit. But avoiding God and questioning why certain situations could possibly be for my good does nothing except make me desire change all the more and make my stubborness more apparent. It's like Tara Leigh said tonight. We need to honor our emotions, but we glorify God by giving our emotions to Him. But giving that part of me away is hard, and it requires change. And here we are full circle, back to where we started.

I don't like change.

My trip was definetley not a boring one!

I made it safe and sound two thursday nights ago and got to see one of my best friends Shirley. I love Shirley so much. She has been through so much the past couple of years and I was so proud to watch her graduate! With all the trials her family has been through and all the times she wanted to give up, God truly kept her strong. As she walked across the stage that day it truly was a moment that I felt God was pouring down His blessing on her.

It was so great to see my friends again, at the same time it was hard. All my friends will be done at BBC soon and will be going off in different directions. Some to places farther than the 5 1/2 hour drive, some will be getting married, and most are going off into full time ministry. It was just one of those bittersweet, wow we're really adults now aren't we, moments.

The trip home was much more eventful. A couple of hours before I was ready to leave I started feeling really sick. All my friends were going in different directions however, so I had to make the trip home. Once in the car I realized pretty quick that this was not a smart plan. So I ended up having to stay in a hotel by myself really sick with the stomach flu. It was pretty awful. But I survived and left the next morning.

On the drive home, someone cut me off and I slammed on my brakes harder than I ever have before. It was pretty scary. So a bit shaken up I kept driving down the highway. God showed up. As I was going through a toll a nice person ahead of me paid my toll. This put a smile on my face, despite being sick, grumpy and having had a near accident experience. That little act of kindness meant the world to me. I passed the woman who had paid my toll with a world peace bumper sticker on her car, smiled and mouthed the words thank you. She smiled and waved back.

I learned a lesson of love that day. That a perfect stranger had a heart's desire to brighten someone's day. Changing the world requires thinking of others above yourself and being willing to act. Whether going across the world to help the needy, or paying a 50 cent toll for a random person behind you in a toll line. Changing the world requires action.

"We've got this twinkie goes around the world
meeting all the boys and girls
Seen more sights than many have seen
Those guys in New Jersey are really really mean

There's this guy named Darin with crazy ideas
Being eaten is the twinkie's greatest fear
Will I melt or will I freeze?
Keep me safe if you please!

Got my picture with Uncle Doug!
Namibia, Africa here I come!
Stink!"

~Lyrics by Amanda LaFave and Emily Shaw, music by John Ilkenhons

I thought I'd give a quick summary of our trip:

Friday- Lots of driving
Saturday- More driving, made it to Diann's by 7. I got to meet the most amazing family who made me feel comfortable by the get go.
Sunday- We went over to John's church and then had a big family cookout.
Monday- Magic Kingdom to see the girls dance. Then we went on a bunch of rides till late. A very tiring day
Tuesday- Hollywood Studios. Tower of terror was my favorite!
Wednesday- Relaxing day. Went to Grandma's pool. Then back to Grandma's house for a bday party for em. Then played scattegories till really late! =)
Thursday- Hung out with my friend Jordan from BBC. Then made our journey to Dave's house. Had a cookout and met their family. Got to see Richard.
Friday- Went on a really fun boat ride where we saw gators. Then went to the beach and out to dinner. Played some music.
Saturday- Lot's of driving
Sunday- More Driving and we made it home!

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One of the things that really touched my heart on this trip was the family I was around. It was so nice to be around a family where God was truly at the center. That although they may be in different locations when they come together they can talk about what God is doing, and laugh about things like politics. The family traditions and love for one another was so apparent. It was nice to be around a family that has pretty much always had God in their lives, and were relatively normal. :-) It was just such a blessing for me.

The hardest part about trips like this is meeting such amazing people and not having enough time to get to know them. It's good experiences like the one I had that made me wish I could have stayed longer. Or sometimes I wish I could be in so many places at once. Be at home, school, my ohio friends, work friends, with my group from the cruise, florida friends, namibia friends, the texas friends I know I will have when I finally go visit! :-) But God has me where I am for a reason. I was a little heavy hearted waking up this morning. I was just wishing that my trip hadn't been so short and that I didn't have to go back to work already. But I prayed on the drive to work that God would take away the anxiety I had. As soon as I saw the big smiling face of the student I work with, I felt reassured that I am where I am supposed to be. God really does bring peace and remind us of our purpose when we put Him above our own personal desires. Yet another answer to prayer this week!

I put a ton of pictures up on my facebook. Overall I am just so thankful for the week I had to relax, read, meet new friends and listen to God.

To all my new Florida friends, thanks for everything!

"A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Chorus 2x
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out"

~Hillsong

So I cannot believe my week long trip to Florida is coming to an end. I'm in denile. I am willing to admit that. :-) Tomorrow we get in the car and make the long journey home. It's really not that bad. I have found it to be a great time to chat with the other people in the car and try to be an encouragement amongst the not always comfortable sitting space and getting on eachother's nerves cuz we are all over tired. :-)

My trip has been great. I have seen God answer prayers this week and bring me closer to Him. I had a great talk with Pastor Darin on the way down. I cried and just poured my heart out as to how much of the past year I have struggled with my relationship with God. Not having a desire to pray or read my bible or really anything for that matter. Through that talk I was able to learn more about myself. I learned I need to get comfortable in my own skin. :-) So as we were driving I sat, cried, listened to the lyrics of Crowder songs and began to pray. God has been answering those prayers.

I've been praying this week for the little things, the big things, and more for other people. I've had a desire to read and grow and learn on this trip. I've been around many people who love the Lord and I've been able to hear what God is doing in their lives. How He has been there, provided, and encouraged them.

It's been such a great week. I know I will have more to say later on, and lots of pictures to share. But I will leave you with this picture of just 5 of the really fun people I hung out with this week.



So in conclusion, God has been faithful on this trip. As with any relationship there will be times that are great, but there will also be times that will be difficult. I'm just thankful that God has given me the strength not to give up. I'm thankful that Jesus' story didn't end with Him dying on a cross.

"Here at your feet in awe and surrender"

Happy Birthday Erica!!! I love you so much.

I hope you realize what an amazing person you are. Your love to work with kids and to serve every sunday in kids connection is so awesome. And your love for people in general. I love you girl. You are truly beautiful inside and out.

So it's my crazy Pastor's birthday today. I've known Pastor Darin for about 6 years now. He's my pastor, friend, and he has always been like a dad to me. His love for other people is obvious, and his heart for those who don't know God is his life's mission. :-) Thank you Pastor Darin for the amazing person you are and for helping me through so many things. I value our conversations. I love you and I hope your birthday was great!