AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Don has Im'ed me a few times from Namibia, but nothing could have prepared me for what I would see when I woke up from a nap...

Dear Amanda
I miss you and I hope to see you in June..are you coming? I will be here in Rehoboth waiting to see you. I have alot to tell you.
LoveMaderyna


God is SOOOOO amazing!!! :-)

So I'm being really bad... it's 12:37 but I'm taking a break from studying because I have a lot on my heart right now.


BBC had a special sneak peek preview at the movie "Facing the Giants" It comes out tomorrow but they allowed BBC a special viewing which I participated in tonight. It was amazing. I'm not usually big on the whole Christian movie type thing, but this one was awesome!!! It had such a good message... and yeah.... there were a few cheesy parts, but it had a lot of good humor, and some heart twisting in the process. The movie is another "Remember the Titans" type spin off, but the difference is the fact that these kids in the movie and especially their coach realize that their "team philosophy"... their life philosophy is not about winning, but it is doing the absolute best you can for Christ and believing in Him 100%.

I cried a lot in this movie. There were at least three themes that really resonated with my heart...

1) How often I fail at doing my best, and fall into laziness and lack of motivation. How I am not constant in seeking God and giving 110%. This movie really left me feeling with the desire to give my all.
2) A shy teen boy in this movie majorly doubts himself then ends up realizing that he does have worth in God's eyes, and that he needs to believe that and give it his all and not let fear or anyone else get in the way of that. He realizes he could play big for God and he wasn't inadaquet.... basically quite similar to what God has been teaching me for awhile now, and i'm still trying to grasp it.
3) The whole idea of belief and "preparing the fields for rain" even if it doesn't seem like it's going to come. Being prepared, and knowing and then in turn acting knowing that God will show up, because NOTHING is impossible with God.
4) The first scene that I really started to cry was when God was really showing up in this high school and seeing so many teens turn to God. I just cried. My heart has been yearning for that. I miss being involved in youth ministry so much. It's so hard here when in comes to getting involved in churches, but I am looking forward to an oppurtunity to go on a winter retreat that I went on last year in two weeks so I am so excited for that!!! :-)

I loved this movie so so much. I've decided i'm going to buy it, and invite some of the girls over when I come home next, it's worth the watch, and it comes out tomorrow... well today now.

I'm sure I'll be blogging again soon, God's really working on my heart right now, teaching me a lot of things in my life that could use some changing, and learning that it's all about doing my best. I don't have to be scared about failure, because winning isn't what matters in the first place... I can't even tell you how hard this is for my finite mind to comprehend. I'm reading an awesome book for my youth min class, which I hope to share my thoughts on later, and I am working on a project/youth event that I'm doing with some of my closest friends. More news on that will definetley be coming up soon... it's going to be crazy!!!

I am still reading from "His Princess- Love letters from Your King" It has been so good for me, and continues to be. I'm beginning to realize how often I put up this negative/unrealistic perspective on life, when in reality there is so much right outside I don't see. I am so thankful for my mom of reminding me of that a few days ago on a hard night when I didn't want to see.

Thank you Lord for being so amazing.


Psalm 19
"1 The heavens declare the glory of God;the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
2 Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge.
3 There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard.
4 Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun,
5 which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion, like a champion rejoicing to run his course. 6 It rises at one end of the heavens and makes its circuit to the other; nothing is hidden from its heat. 7 The law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul. The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy, making wise the simple. 8 The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes.
9 The fear of the LORD is pure, enduring forever. The ordinances of the LORD are sure and altogether righteous. 10 They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb. 11 By them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward. 12 Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults.
13 Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then will I be blameless, innocent of great transgression. 14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer."

"You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with JOY in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." ~Psalm 16:11

The following picture is one that my good friend Don e-mailed me today from Namibia of two very special girls. God looks like He is opening doors for this summer, I don't know why I'm always so surprised when that happens :-)

For the first time in my life, basically since I've gotten back to BBC, I have felt a peace and contentment I've never quite felt before. God is so good :-)

Ever wonder sometimes why life only seems to go by so fast when your looking back on it?

I'm in my LAST semester at BBC... that is so crazy!

I had such a good drive home yesterday, I left Chris Tomlin's CD, "See the Morning" on repeat, so you know it's a good CD if you can listen to it over and over for about 5 1/2 hours straight. His CD has been such a blessing to me, and I love so many of the songs. "How can I keep from singing" and "Made to Worship" are among my two favorites and since I have a special Edition CD I have the accoustic versions of both songs, my other favorite is his popular rendition of Amazing Grace with the new chorus he wrote. The one thing I like about driving by myself for a long period of time is it gives me plenty of time to think, and I really just tried to meditate on God and how good He is. The second time the CD played through the familiar lyrics in the bridge of "Enough" hit me with new meaning, and gave me a joy and peace I haven't felt in a long time.

"More than all I want
More than all I need
You are more than enough for me
More than all I know
More than all I can see
You are more than enough for me"

I have heard this song so many times, I have sang it so many times, and the words never really hit me so hard till yesterday. God is so much more "awesome" than I could ever imagine or recognize because of my sinful state. God is more than all I want... I have learned a lesson this past week in the fact that we don't always get what we want, but God is always enough for us. There are so many times when I don't feel like God is enough, and I just selfishly want something that I feel that I need. But the hard truth is that I do not need anything or anyone... all I need is God. So when things don't work out the way I hope they will I need to remember that God is more than all of my knowledge and life experience, He is more than all I can see. I love that line! I only see such a small picture, I can't see what God is doing, I don't know what is going to happen, but God does. So it is learning that He is more than enough for me, even when sometimes I think that something else would fullfill me more, it always comes back to the fact that nothing will ever satisfy me like my God can satisfy me.

I've grown so much in just the past five days alone. I'm breaking down walls I was always too scared to break, and doing things that I was always afraid to do. I am so amazed that God truly can give us such courage when we just look to Him, not to mention that you really can choose what you think and stop from thinking a certain way. For example I'm learning that when I get nervous I just tell myself not to be nervous and with God's help I get through it.
I feel free, and I feel happy. It was so nice to see Doc's smiling face this morning in chapel... I can't even tell you how much I missed having that joyful spirit around. I was so excited because the first song today was "How can I keep from singing" and then the amazing grace song, so Chris Tomlin is following me everywhere.


So I'm happy, genuinley happy... I know it won't always be this way, and I know that I have had a lot of ups and downs since I've been at BBC, not to mention how hard but good this past week was. But these are my last sixteen weeks at BBC, I want to make them my best :-)

My classes are going to be good and very helpful for my future. Its looking like I will be a teacher's assistant this summer and then maybe take on a teaching position for the next school year for the four year olds at the day care. So i'll see how I like it as well as gain teaching experience in a familiar setting, then who knows where God will take me, but if I do stick to this teaching thing I hope to go on to a school setting instead of a child care center. But it will be good to help me get on my feet, get a good insurance plan, and slowly learn what it means to know all of those "adult things" that I need to learn. I also hope that along with teaching I can get involved in youth ministry more which I miss doing so much. I'm also praying about the namibia trip this summer, but we will have to see what God has in store, but as I figure out my job situation here I'm praying God will help me work out a good plan to get the money I need to go.

So although graduation is 117 days away, and I leave for Bermuda in 118 days (ahhhh!!!), I'm going to enjoy just being where I am. Even with all the reading... sigh... homework :-) On a last note, our first night back consisted of going out to our favorite dinner spot (not pioneer obviously :-) and then to the mail room... i love the little joys BBC has to offer...

so that's all for now... love you all and of course i miss you already :-)

5 weeeekkkssss!!!!

<3, amanda

2007!!! Wow, crazy how time flies... this month it will be 6 years since I trusted Christ as my Savior. Man has it been a journey since then. Here's a look into my heart as the new year begins.

The past year has been a hard one, I've been at BBC for a year and a half and i finish up in one more semester! :-) talk about being really excited but scared out of my mind! But looking back I think one of the hardest aspects of Bible College for me has been the fact that you are constantly given information- Information about the bible, what your relationship with Christ should look like... there has just been so much amazing, life changing information. The problem with that is I see how much change I need in my life, I see so many aspects of my life that I wish I was better at, I see so much hurt in the world around me through the many wise men that told stories as they stood up in Chapel. It's just an overwhelming amount of information to the point where I've been falling.

When I'm at school I feel at times like I'm on this standstill where I don't see growth. I have felt that my life this past year has been so surreal, that every moment I see myself acting out a motion but it feels so fake and that I'm watching myself do it and that I'm not really there. I've had a lot of doubts this past year, not really doubting the fact of God's existence because I do believe that with all of my heart. But it's been a long battle of fighting myself and my doubting of my salvation. This has been a scary experience for me because I have never struggled with that, and it's something I never thought I would struggle with. And I've really been trying to pinpoint the "source" of my doubts. I think it comes back to me. It comes back to my long term battle of insecurities and feelings of worthlessness. It's funny how you can see worth in every person around you and really try and love them like Christ would love them, yet you do the complete opposite to yourself.

To tell you the Truth I don't know how to stop that. I know a huge part of this insecurity stems from a lack of a good father figure for the majority of my life, as well as a season of being abused when I was younger, yet God has definetley provided a man in my life who has been that father figure to me, and who I love very much. God has even gone above and beyond by blessing me with other men in my life who are so protective of me that I don't know what I would do without them. Although I have a different relationship with each of them, each one has slowly been used by God as a building block to set up my foundation to have the ability to trust again. I haven't "arrived" I don't think I ever will, but I'm getting better. I know these four men know who they are, and I could never thank them enough for loving me the way Christ wants me to be loved, and that's still something I can't fully comprehend. But it helps me see more of who Christ is, instead of the hurt that I was formally used to.

But most of all I am so thankful to Christ because He still loves me despite my doubting and insecurities. He has been molding me the past six years to look more like himself, even when I fight against that. Praise God for loving me truly and completley and being patient with me because it's still going to take a little while till I will visibly be comfortable with who He created me to be.

My mom bought me a book for Christmas called, "His Princess, Love Letters from your King." This book has been a life changing one for me, and I have been reading a love letter or two everyday, and each one touches my heart and my struggles so close to home I usually find myself in tears. God's love for me is so overwhelming, and it's hard for me to accept love because I know how undeserving I am and how I have nothing to offer. Yet God wants to be intimate with me and say all of the things that I've been longing to hear yet scare me at the same time because I let my trust issues and my feelings of worthlessness get in the way.

The love letter I read today said, "Don't let your light hide behind your uncertainties and insecurities." All I can say is that I CONSTANTLY fail at this, especially with those who I want to share my heart with, all I can say is that I'm scared... I'm scared of letting you down. Yet the other letter I read today talked about letting God's grace lighten my step, and letting go of seeking approval from others. Isn't it funny how God uses so many different ways to speak to us?

I loved a quote from Augustine that was on Mike's blog, it said, "Instead of fearing, as I ought, to be held back by all that encumbered me, I was frightened to be free of it." It's funny, I don't like where I'm at now, but it's in a way easier to stay here because I am afraid to let go. I'm afraid of letting who I am be out there completley for all to see because I don't know what that means. And I certainly don't know how to live that way because I have yet to really let myself get to that point. But I do know that scripture will help teach me. An encouraging verse has been 2 Timothy 1:7 which says,

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." In my study bible notes it references that Timothy had an extreme lack of confidence which was a serious problem for him. Boy, can I relate :-) But the end is so encouraging! The Spirit (which I think might be the Holy Spirit? You bible scholars can help me out :-) is NOT a spirit of timidity, but it IS a spirit of power, it's of love, and it's of self discipline! amazing! :-)

I have also been really reading the book "Don't waste your life" by John Piper. I got the book a long time ago, but have really just been getting into it. I don't think it would have meant as much to me as it does now if I had read it when I first got it. All I know is that as the new year starts, I don't waste my life. A story Piper references is hearing a man say late in life, "I've wasted it, I've wasted it!" That to me hit really hard, I don't want that. Piper says that, "God created me- and you- to live with a single, all-embracing, all-transforming passion- namely, a passion to glorify God by enjoying and displaying His extreme excellence in all the spheres of life."

We need to glorify God with everything, and for me that means with my imperfections and by letting Him into my life in the areas where I'm scared to let Him come in. He wants to love me I just need to let Him.